(Medical) Reefer Madness!

03/18/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Man, I can not wait for weed to be legal. Not that I really care that much about its (legal) availability, I just can't take hearing about medical marijuana anymore. I remember that day at the Civic Center in San Francisco, circa 1993, when some dude walked up to me with the clipboard and "the pitch" for the first time.

"Uh, dude, it's like, really important because Marijuana heals, and there are people who need it...and..and..."

My first question was "where is the recreational marijuana petition, because I'd rather just sign that one". If you don't know, let me be the first to tell you: medical marijuana is a farce. It's the hippie version of yellowcake uranium with less dire consequences. Would it be such a big deal if it was illegal dirt with similar questionable healing powers? You wouldn't hear a peep about it. It's just a backdoor to legalizing weed. That's all.

It's also the worlds greatest exercise in quotes. You go to the "clinic" to see the "doctor" about your "ailment" such as "headaches" or "insomnia" and the "doctor" "prescribes" you "medication." I had a friend tell me that when he went in for a card with an original "ailment" the "doctor" said "aw dude... I hadn't heard that one before... good one..." like he just shared a new way to cheat on the SAT.

Before you get all mad about your cousin's best friend's brother who smokes weed through chemo treatments, let me just say it loud and proud. I think it should be legal. I always have. I think anyone should be able to smoke as many bong hits as their Xbox and Doritos addicted heart desires. If that means some self-prescription through medically trying times, then yea, that too. Though, as someone who went through cancer treatment, the last thing I'd want at a time of such introspection on life and mortality would be a big puff of the chron-chron, but to each their own.

But I do have a problem with the idea of pot as a wonder healer. It's just the same old weed always has been no matter what kind of Dr. Feelgood prescribes it and smoking it everyday for headaches still makes you a stoner. Every drug has its side effects, and this ones aren't pretty. For starters, it will make you paranoid eventually. It always does. Saying weed doesn't make you paranoid is like claiming you only go to Vegas to win money at blackjack. You just haven't lost your money yet, but it's inevitable. I'm sure some twenty year study will come out in 2030 to prove this, but I don't need it. I'll cite attending the University of Colorado in the 1990s as my research.

Secondly, being a stoner makes you annoying to the rest of us. "But you can't even tell when I smoke weed, I'm totally functioning." Yes, we actually can, we just don't bother saying anything. Have you ever had the experience picking up some friends and about two minutes after hopping in the car you put it together that they are stoned and for the next couple of hours you're stuck with them laughing at cotton candy and the word "slacks" while simultaneously freaking out about ever helicopter and police car that passes? Yea, me too. It sucks. And when was the last time you've seen Vicodin transform a suburban white kid into a Bible-quoting, dread-headed Rastafarian?

My thought on legalization is that it would become like alcohol if it was. Used and enjoyed responsibly by millions while stigmatized for its overuse, the stoner equivalent of the drunk instead of revered in modern culture (i.e. Dude, you got a Dell! guy, though a good stoner movie will always make me laugh). I also believe it's irresponsible to champion a few hits a day of "euphoria unlimited" as medication, or some "AK-47" for stress. If it isn't affecting how you function on the day to day, then you're smoking way too much. Most likely it is though; there is a reason Cheech and Chong movies are so funny. And there is nothing worse than a late blooming stoner. Weed is for the young who have no idea what "I'm too high" means.

The ironic part (ichronic?) is that I know a lot of smokers who still would rather buy from dealers and dealers who are doing brisk business. Honestly, I don't blame them. The prices are the same and you're not on "The Man's" list. Sounds delusional now, but what if Palin took it in '12 and the House and Senate went right? I hate to give them ideas, but the registered stoners list of the greater Los Angeles area is not the worst place to start tightening the screws on the liberal machine.

I know, I sound cranky over something that should be so celebrated, but it's frustrating to watch the pot-smoking left, who has always prided themselves on the truth, slip into the same manipulative and backdoor means as the other side of the aisle when it comes to party drugs. I'd rather they put their time and energy into across the board legalization and spare us all the dog and pony show. Getting us back to pots intended purpose, the perfect prescription for enhanced surfing, movie or hiking experiences, man.