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Gay and Lesbian Manners: When Best Friends Have Sex and the Sounds of Silence

11/03/2009 09:18 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

When friends have sex

Q:Last week I ended up having sex with my best friend, Richard. At least he used to be my best friend -- we haven't talked since. Did I mess up? I definitely don't want to lose our friendship, but I don't know how to put the genie back in the bottle. Does that mean we should be boyfriends? --Murray in Manhattan

A: Slow down. Before you plan the rest of your life together or, conversely, prepare for Armageddon, you're going to have to do some thinking and talking. Best friends sometimes make the best lovers; after all, they know you so well and share your trust and affection. But the decision to take a friendship to the next level is tricky -- and you can't do it alone.

First, you'll need to ask yourself: "What do you want out of this beyond sex?" and "Are you willing to risk your friendship if the romance fails?" In a perfect world, you would each have explored these questions before things got physical. But hey, that's life.

Assuming you want to move forward, call him or email and say simply: "We need to talk." Then, you'll want to explain how you feel and what your hopes are. Ask if he knows what he wants from your relationship. Even if he doesn't want to move beyond friends, initiating this conversation gives him an opportunity to talk about it with you.

If you find you're not on the same page, you may be able to salvage your friendship if stay open and honest with each other. But that's hard. Been there. Done that.


Silent Girlfriend

Q: I'm loud when we have sex and like to tell my girlfriend how much I love her, but she never makes a sound or says a word. After we're done, she just turns over and goes to sleep. I always enjoy the sex we have, but I never know what she thinks. How do I find out? --Sweet Sioux

A: Ask her! Sex often makes us so uncomfortable that we forget the easiest way to get to the bottom of a problem is to talk about it. So, yes, ask her about her feelings or her sexual enjoyment -- or prompt her a bit more slyly by telling her something like, "Hey, that was amazing sex." (You may want to wait till morning if you can't catch her in the moments before her post-coital doze.)

On the other hand, don't forget about all the other forms of communication besides words: Is she passionate? Does she seem engaged and like she's enjoying herself? Pay attention to the nonverbal cues. Maybe she's just not a very talkative person or is tired after a long day. She may already be telling you how great you are in her own way.

Steven Petrow is the author of "The Essential Book of Gay Manners & Etiquette. Visit him on the Web at www.gayandlesbianmanners.com