Gay and Lesbian Manners: When Best Friends Have Sex and the Sounds of Silence
When friends have sex
Q:Last week I ended up having sex with my best friend, Richard. At least he used to be my best friend -- we haven't talked since. Did I mess up? I definitely don't want to lose our friendship, but I don't know how to put the genie back in the bottle. Does that mean we should be boyfriends? --Murray in Manhattan
A: Slow down. Before you plan the rest of your life together or, conversely, prepare for Armageddon, you're going to have to do some thinking and talking. Best friends sometimes make the best lovers; after all, they know you so well and share your trust and affection. But the decision to take a friendship to the next level is tricky -- and you can't do it alone.
First, you'll need to ask yourself: "What do you want out of this beyond sex?" and "Are you willing to risk your friendship if the romance fails?" In a perfect world, you would each have explored these questions before things got physical. But hey, that's life.
Assuming you want to move forward, call him or email and say simply: "We need to talk." Then, you'll want to explain how you feel and what your hopes are. Ask if he knows what he wants from your relationship. Even if he doesn't want to move beyond friends, initiating this conversation gives him an opportunity to talk about it with you.
If you find you're not on the same page, you may be able to salvage your friendship if stay open and honest with each other. But that's hard. Been there. Done that.
Silent Girlfriend
Q: I'm loud when we have sex and like to tell my girlfriend how much I love her, but she never makes a sound or says a word. After we're done, she just turns over and goes to sleep. I always enjoy the sex we have, but I never know what she thinks. How do I find out? --Sweet Sioux
A: Ask her! Sex often makes us so uncomfortable that we forget the easiest way to get to the bottom of a problem is to talk about it. So, yes, ask her about her feelings or her sexual enjoyment -- or prompt her a bit more slyly by telling her something like, "Hey, that was amazing sex." (You may want to wait till morning if you can't catch her in the moments before her post-coital doze.)
On the other hand, don't forget about all the other forms of communication besides words: Is she passionate? Does she seem engaged and like she's enjoying herself? Pay attention to the nonverbal cues. Maybe she's just not a very talkative person or is tired after a long day. She may already be telling you how great you are in her own way.
Steven Petrow is the author of "The Essential Book of Gay Manners & Etiquette. Visit him on the Web at www.gayandlesbianmanners.com
Follow Steven Petrow on Twitter: www.twitter.com/spetrow
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Ah-DUH! Don't tell me you guys are just finding out what heterosexuals have known FOREVER - having sex is the best way to screw up a friendship.
...And that goes DOUBLE for marriage!
Sounds the like gay advice column had just as many pointers for straight people. ;) That second question threw me off because I didn't realize I was reading a gay advice column anymore. I pictured Sweet Sioux as a man and the quiet one who went to sleep as the woman. LOL! I know, I know. straight people think everything is all about them. ;P
What makes these queer questions, anyway? They could just as easily come from straights.
Don't straights have the same problem when a person sleeps with someone who's been a friend?
Don't straights have the same questions when sexing with a silent partner?
chances are both relationships will not last. every relationship we have had except our current ones has eneded.
its not failure, its we have decided relationships must go on until we die. our lives shows this isnt how they work, yet we try to hang on, fix things etc. when nature is telling us to move on, and open new doors of friendship or love. relationships are worth trying to save, but we need to know whats really wrong, and have the other party committed to the same goal. otherwise its curtains for the relationship.
how do get a job like Stevens? I LOVE LOVE LOVE giving advice..see, I've made ALL the mistakes so my mission would be to stop others. the best friend sex thing.....I don't care..gay or straight...stupid stupid stupid...lovers...so easy to find...GOOD FRIENDS..Priceless..and not worth taking a chance on changing that..for a roll in the hay... The older one gets...the harder it is to make true friends... this relationship may be irreperably harmed... and for god's sake..don't friggin stalk him...let HIM come to you if he chooses to...but sadly..my gut tells me the friendship...gone.. that's sad...sex is nice..but overrated...when it possibly ruins a closer relationship...
so so...can I have a job?
To Silent Girlfriend;.... Is she just silent or sentient? Is making love to her like doing it with a blow up doll? Because if she just lays there and reluctantly "consents" to sex, for whatever reason, your really going to hate phase two. If she is, indeed, a "cold fish" then you had better slip quietly out the door because this person will never bring the degree of passion to your life you need despite your feelings for her. Eventually you will be forced to find it outside the relationship and that isn't worth the inevitable pain that comes from finding out that you made a life altering mistake way too long ago. Do yourself a favor..."just hop on the bus Gus."
Cause Steve... Is writing... An advice column?
Steve ...please TMI...can't you figure it on your own
It's an advice column. Steve is the writer.
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