Queeries: "Is He Your Brother or Lover?"

Q: I've been partnered with my boyfriend for about five years and only recently put a photograph of him on my desk at work. I like to gaze at him during the day, but I've been surprised by how many questions I've gotten, like: "Is he your brother?" What's the best way to answer these curious coworkers, especially since I'm not really out yet? --One Foot In, One Foot Out

A: To be or not to be out, that is yet again the question. Although one of the basic premises of good manners is to make people feel comfortable, don't let etiquette be marshaled into an argument for keeping you in the closet. Displaying your boyfriend's photo is a good way to come out (at least partially) without shouting the dreaded, "Hey, I am gay!" Other ways include referring to a girlfriend or a same-sex spouse in casual conversation ("My wife is home with our kids..."), making charitable contributions to an LGBT rights groups and then asking your company to match, or attending the office holiday party with your partner. Obviously, there are many degrees to being out.

Before you come out at work, be sure you understand whether your company has nondiscrimination protections based on sexual orientation, gender identity or gender expression, as well as local or state laws. Most states have no such protections, and you certainly don't want to be fired.

Finally, here's what you can say to "Is that your brother?" "No, that's my boyfriend, Stan. We've been together five years." Enough said.

Note for straights: No one likes to be asked, "Are you pregnant (or just overweight)?" While you can't always know the answer, know that there's often more than one.

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