Q: "If one more person asks me in front of my children where they come from or whose they are or where did we adopt them from, I'm going to explode. What's the best way to deal with these very annoying questions?" -Baby Makes Three
A: While probably well-meaning, these kinds of questions can be annoying and belie a lack of understanding and sensitivity. Frankly, they're also an invasion of a family's privacy. Although millions of gay and lesbian households with kids now exist, this phenomenon is still, well, a phenomenon and by that I mean something new and remarkable. Because our straight friends, coworkers and family members understand that biologically same-sex couples cannot reproduce (without the use of 21st-century technologies), they're puzzled and even curious about our progeny. Understand that to start.
So, what to say? Whose children are they? "They are ours." You are the child's parent (or one of them). Where did they come from? "They come from the same place all children come from." And then smile. If you still find yourself pressed, feel free to invoke your zone of privacy and say simply, "That's really a family matter, but thank you for caring."
In the case of adoption, it's also important to use the right language. Your son (or daughter) was born to his (or her) "birth mother" or "biological parents" - not "natural" or "real" parents. Even if, in fact, you did adopt the child, you should say plainly, "I'm his parent by adoption" rather than "adoptive parent," which sounds like a qualified or second-rate kind of mom or dad.
Finally, remember not to share too much information about your little one. Alas, not everyone (straight or gay) is as interested in your kid as you are.
Note for straights: Don't let your curiosity get the better of you. You don't like it when you're on the receiving end, do you?
Visit Steven Petrow on the Web at www.gayandlesbianmanners.com
Follow Steven Petrow on Twitter: www.twitter.com/gaymanners
I joined a fundamentalist church and found out that what HE wants is "Arrows for the War."
"Like arrows in the hands of a mighty man, so are children in one's youth ~ blessed is the man who has his quiver full of them."
I ended up with seven children ~ despite physical and financial hardships ~ I believed that I had submitted my womb to God's service.
Interestingly ~ a frequent topic among my fellow "Moms of Many" was how to deal with all the rude comments people made. "Don't you know what causes that?"
I have totally left all of it now ~ I am no longer a Christian, no longer serving a misogynistic "God," no longer afraid of people who don't believe and act exactly like me, and I am NO LONGER QUIVERING.
My good friend, Laura is out too ~ and for the first time in 25 years, she's reconciled with her "two moms" (as she likes to refer to her lesbian mother and the woman she's loved for over 30 years) ~ we're telling our story here: http://2spb.blogspot.com/.
When people start asking questions that are rude I typically turn the questions around... "Don't you know better than to take seriously what is poked at you in fun?", "Where did your children come from?" and a few other off the cuff questions tend to stop the questions in their tracks.
Although probably innocent on their part, if the child in question in anything but a toddler, it can actually hurt him or her, to hear these kind of questions, more than just being an annoyance to the parents, which is the real reason to ask people(however politely, or not) to mind their own...