Love, Pretty Much Totally Explained

Valentine's Day 2016 is nearly here. And for us to truly comprehend the niceties of relationships, heartache, codependency, etc., we need to take a hard look at the emotion that started it all: love.

There are many notable traits out there that separate man from his primate counterparts. But to me, the two most important ones are a) our capacity for love and b) our unified lack of interest in flinging poop at passersby.

And yet, despite love being an exclusively human trait, people tend to get caught up in myriad questions when it comes to the issue. "What's the deal with love?" they'll ask. Or, "What's love trying to prove, anyway?"

Or they'll say, "Yeah, I got a question for the emotion sittin' over there on the right, next to that guy with the shirt."

And Maury Povich will reply with, "You mean 'love'?"

And they'll say, "Yeah! Love, where do you gets off thinkin' you all that?"

Friends, does love really think it's "all that"? Tough call to make. But one thing is certain: Such unwarranted amounts of hostility prompt me to believe a clearer perspective on this timeless enigma is required. So for the purpose of context, let us take a moment to focus in on the origins of love.

When did love begin? Anthropologists believe it was set in motion about a billion years after we climbed out of that bubbling primordial stew. Classical mythologists will argue that love came into existence the day Aphrodite was awarded the Apple of Discord by the Trojan prince Paris. Scientologists may suggest it has something to do with Scientology.

In an incorrect sort of way, they're all right. That is to say, love has a clever way of transcending all origin and definition. It's kind of like the Darkman of human emotions. Remember that movie Darkman? If not, you need only look at the name to figure out he was one mysterious hombre. Just like love.

This being said, there are many different kinds of love individuals are capably of experiencing. A man can simultaneously love his wife, his children, Old Glory, popcorn chicken, and chilling out on Snapchat -- sometimes all in the course of one evening. But which one is the real love? Is there one true form of love -- a "Queen Bee" if you will -- who simply outsources her labor to a collection of lesser "Worker" loves? Or do all forms of love follow a Marxist doctrine, each maintaining equal status while abiding by the laws of emotional determinism? Given the intrinsic complexity of this question, I take solace in the fact it's purely rhetorical.

Recently, I received a letter from Mr. R.L. of Topeka, Kansas (not his real initials), who wrote in to ask, "Steve, how can I truly find out what love is?" A very good question, R.L. The truth is that everyone wants to know what love is. From the doe-eyed toddler on the playground to the 84-year-old grandmother in the nursing home to Lou Gramm of Foreigner fame. But unlike Mr. Gramm, I don't want you to show me. For if you show a man how to love, he may love for a day. But if you give him the tools to love, he'll do so for a lifetime. (Note: individual results may vary.)

Sadly, if there's one thing we've all come to learn in life, it's that tools are inherently expensive. Even a Swiffer mop with that spray thing attachment can run you $20, easy. And that's more of a household appliance than a card-carrying tool. So you can only imagine what the price tag is going to be on that 16-piece socket set.

Friends, I believe it was Shakespeare who once said, "The course of true love never did run smooth." Questionable grammar aside, the Bard hits upon a salient point. The moral here is this: there is no roadmap for love. No radio to turn down in a fit of frustration when you get lost. No grease-stained service-station attendant to sagely set you off in the right direction. All you can do is fire up that wondrous Global Positioning Device we call "instinct," cross your fingers, kneel down in the direction of Mecca, and pray to Vishnu for the best.*

* Remember: love does not limit itself to one particular theology.