Poll: 37% of Americans Unable to Locate America on Map of America

Editor's note: This post is a satire.

Washington, D.C. -- According to a Gallup/Harris poll released Monday, a full 37 percent of American citizens are incapable of identifying their home country on a map of the United States.

Of the 1,400 residents surveyed, the most common incorrect responses placed the more than 230-year-old territory in the Atlantic or Pacific Oceans (19 percent), the space where Mexico would appear were it in fact included on the map (10 percent), and inside the word "America" written just above the northernmost states (6 percent).

"On the whole, these figures should be construed as somewhat disappointing," Gallup spokesman Keith Ventner said. "Especially the two percent that believed the United States was located on the map's color-coded inset legend. I think we as a nation likely could have done without seeing that."

When asked to reveal the identity of the giant America-shaped landmass found on the map, several of those polled were decidedly varied in their answers.

"That thing definitely looked familiar," said autoworker and father of three Ed McConnell. "And my gut told me there were probably a whole bunch of Americans there. So I had to go with 'Iraq.'"

Other guesses as to the nature of the mystery country included "Hollywood," "Palestine," "The Shire," and "Club Med Punta Cana."

The map used in the poll, with erroneous America locations in red

Stuart Weiss, senior sociology professor at Boston College, said although these findings may be surprising to some, they're by no means atypical.

"The sentiment of many Americans is that there's little intrinsic value in studying a map of a place you're already at," noted Weiss. "It'd be like driving to Graceland and then asking for directions once you've arrived. Not much point."

Shirley Matheson, a part-time Arby's employee residing in Dayton, Ohio, agreed with Weiss's assessment. "I live in the U.S.A., so why would I need to know where America is? Or the United States for that matter?"

Added Matheson: "As long as there's still room on that map for all three of those countries, I'm sure everyone will keep getting along just fine."

Meanwhile, the Department of Homeland Security sees the Gallup/Harris poll results as a blessing in disguise. According to Secretary Michael Chertoff, the nation would be better off if these numbers skewed even higher.

"Personally, I believe if fewer people in this world could spot America on a map, we'd have a much better chance of avoiding national tragedies like 9/11," said Chertoff. "You can't attack a country you can't find."

Of the respondents actually capable of pinpointing America on the map of America, their accuracy decreased considerably with each additional query about the country. Asked for the name of the U.S. capital, those polled placed Washington, D.C., fifth behind "Minneapolis-St. Paul," "Mount Rushmore," "America City," and "Whitewater."

Despite Americans' seemingly underdeveloped sense of their own geography, history and domestic policy, they did score high points on the issue of patriotism, calling America "the greatest country in the world" (47 percent), "the best state of all the Unites States" (31 percent), and "a place to definitely explore when I finally get my passport" (22 percent).

Steven Shehori is an award-winning comedy writer. And Canadian. He claims he can find America on a map.

Comments

[firstandlast]

I can believe that 37% of Liberals can't find America on a map of America. That is not only funny, but very true.

[LaLaverne]

are you sure you weren't surveyed?

[Myshkin57]

That is so funny. Hey... I'll make a funny, too.

I can believe that 37% of... (wait for it)... CONSERVATIVES can't find American on a map of America. That is not only funny, but very VERY true. Wow... it's hysterical both ways. I can't stop laughing. See? I changed 'liberal' to 'conservative' and added a 'very' (making it that much funnier). So funny.

[UncleMilo]

I'm certain you wouldn't know a liberal even if one came up and tried to help you out of the many problems you have.

[PeanutButterJellyGirl]

While I understand that your comment is an attempt at humor it misses the mark. It's as if you didn't even read the commentary above. Although this commentary is satire it's pretty clear that the the participants of the fake poll are indeed Republicans. Proof positive is the excerpted paragraph below.

"Despite Americans' seemingly underdeveloped sense of their own geography, history and domestic policy, they did score high points on the issue of patriotism, calling America "the greatest country in the world" (47 percent), "the best state of all the Unites States" (31 percent), and "a place to definitely explore when I finally get my passport" (22 percent)."

Liberals have an uncanny grasp of geography, history, domestic policy and reality because because we are elite, arugula eating, tree hugging liberals and we happen to be overly educated. And as you should know, we are in no way patriotic.

[PeanutButterJellyGirl]

As excerpted from above:

"they did score high points on the issue of patriotism, calling America "the greatest country in the world" (47 percent)"

Definitely a survey of Republicans. Liberals are in no way patriotic, you should know better.

[StevenKeirstead]

I despair of Michael Chertoff. There is no reason to think the next terrorist to attack the USA will need to do his or her own navigation. They might just go to their target by commercial transport.

[racetoinfinity]

Your Bush appointments at work. Par for the course.

[rosiebond007]

They probably checked with those red necks that voted for Bush and they have no time for education 'cos they are busy loading their guns to go hunting !!

What a pathetic survey - did thos folks ever go to school??
Very sad

[Kenshin]

i'd keep the satire for the onion. this really wasn't that good.

with so much going on in the world and at home, i know you'd want some levity once in a while, but yeesh, get better material than this.

[x88justy]

Satire!? So there's no big ta'doo?

[JonRaymond]

Considering that about half of them voted for Bush twice, it's no surprise.

[deetjay]

Whoa sport! Most of the big GOP support comes from below the mason-dixon. No one votes twice there. Not if they have to come up with the answer by actually counting.

[cplKlyde]

He had me until he went a little over the top with the Arby's employee.

[ontheflipside]

I realize this is satire, however, according to my dictionary, “America” is a continent of the western hemisphere consisting of North America and South America, joined by the narrow isthmus of Central America. It doesn’t seem unreasonable that folks wouldn’t know where “America” is since the question isn’t clear. Perhaps the results would be more positive if the question was “where is the United States?”…!

[SeanONe]

Your "dictionary" is rubbish. North America and South America are two different continents.

[Patricia84]

Wrong. And a man-made canal in Panama doesn't change that.

[photobug]

That's okay. Some people think Mexico is in South America too. We can't all know everything.

Of course we might want to check before calling a dictionary "rubbish," when we don't have a clue.

[nevereverwrong]

Well it looks like it was done in Washington DC, I think the Washington DC school system would be most likely be represenitive of who? I doubt a bunch of republican kids with conservative parents like the Palins, no, I'd think just the oppisite.

[Rufus01]

Dayton, Ohio?? Why pick on Dayton, Ohio??? Oh, I know... and so does my dog.
http://www.dogwalkblog.com/2008/12/17/i-am-so-proud-to-live-dayton-ohio/

[DG77]

80% of Huff Post readers fail to read the part that says "this article is a satire."

[lisakaz2]

The problem is, given the dumbing down of this country, who can be sure anymore? I wasn't.

Did you see the guy on "Jaywalking" who couldn'tt answer when the Fourth of July was. He paused and stewed then Jay said: "it's between July 3 and July 5." And the guy saaid: "July 3rd?"

[BurgessPenguin]

Morons. We've got morons on our team.

[JimmyTX]

I'm sorry to say I'm one of them... I thought it was real until I got to the part about Chertoff... I guess I should have a little more faith in the average person's level of general knowledge and/or common sense.

[wbramh]

Interesting.
I thought it was satire until I got to the part about Chertoff.

(just exercising some Irony)

[markytex]

we could use stealth technology and black out america from the map and even the world. the easiest thing to do would be to eliminate all references to america in future history books, then delete the constitution and redraw google maps.

[StewartIsnotfunnyanymore]

Hmmmmmmm.....that is a coincidence.

37% of the country is Republican and thinks we lived with Dinosaurs 6,000 years ago.

I think we can say Lincoln was a lousy President, and we - the North - LOST the Civil War. Red States lead the Blue states in divorce, drugs alcohol consumption, support for Sarah Palin and political corruption. We should have let them escape in 1860.

[Meat]

I wonder what percentage of those people who got it wrong were just making fun of a really dumb question...

[PoohBah40]

These are probably the same people who believe the world was created 6000 years ago and that evolution and "creationism" are equally valid scientific concepts.