Since cementing her impressive 'runner-up' status in the nearly-too-close-to-call 2008 election, there's been much talk about Sarah Palin receiving the keys to her own shiny new television show. In fact, Internet chatter alone has reached near-Patriot Act proportions!
Now, I know what the liberal pundits are thinking: "Sure Steve, we adore the Divine Ms. P. as much as the next residents of 'Real America.' But why should she receive a potential TV deal over say, your Dennis Hasterts, or your Newt Gingriches, or your Kay Baileys Hutchisons?" Well, that's a terrific question (although admittedly, I raised it myself and placed it in the third person out of dramatic license).
Simply put, Sarah Palin represents what we admire most in our politicians. Folksy and winking? Check. But even more impressive? She is, to coin a term, untakedownable. The woman's a rock, and a rockin' one at that.
One example of many? Troopergate. The controversial events surrounding Sarah's dismissal of Alaska's Public Safety Commissioner could have irreparably mangled her burgeoning career. Instead, they washed over her like water off a rapidly melting glacier's back. By contrast, the 1972 break-in at the DNC's Watergate office (an infamous event thereafter known as 'Watergate-Gate'), eventually took down Richard Nixon. Why? Well, although long considered America's most charismatic and congenial politician, Nixon was, dare I say it, no Sarah Palin.
So in lieu of being consigned a paltry four-word catch-phrased cameo on Laugh-In (no offence, Dick), Sarah's proven she's a breed of politico clearly worthy of her own television show. As such, allow me to pitch a few potential options:
Sarah Palin-tologist: In this 12-part series, the churchly Alaska Governor teaches America's schoolchildren about the planet's most ancient vertebrates: dinosaurs! And do I mean ancient! Join Sarah and her team as they dig up everything from a 6000-year-old Tyrannosaurus Rex to a 6000-year-old Protoceratops to a positively geriatric 6000-year-old Velociraptor! You don't get much older than that, folks!
Northern Exposure -- The Next Generation: Picture the iconic opening credit sequence of the beloved 1990s dramedy: as zydeco-esque music plays, a carefree Morty the Moose jaunts along the main strip of a charmingly quirky Alaskan town. In the updated Palinized version, he's subsequently mowed down by a Ruger Gold Label 12-gauge, then eviscerated and field stripped, with his remains carted away on the back of a snowmobile. Whoops, sorry Todd. Snow machine.
You Betcha!: Still hammering out the specifics on this one. Maybe a Punk'd type show? Or an infomercial for unbeatable Texas Hold 'Em strategies. Question is, will it be riveting enough to knock you, the viewer, on your ass? With Sarah at the helm, "you betcha!"
Parasailin' with Sarah Palin: Don't have much of a premise here either. Just really digging the rhyme.
Governator -- The Sarah Palin Chronicles: Sarah plays a sexy cyborg politician sent from, here's the twist -- the past! -- to restore America's values to somewhere between the mid-1950s and the pre-Renaissance era. Root for her each week as she attempts to terminate everything from dastardly pro-choice legislation to dastardlier (sic) same-sex marriage legislation (*). Give 'em heck, Sarah-bot!
(*) Note: Despite such actions, some of her best friends are Robosexuals.
Wasillafornication: Sarah plays a lovable-but-dysfunctional small town writer who can't stop having sex! Specifically, the procreative kind! Plagued by an enduring case of writer's block, she takes to naming her ever-expanding brood after random dictionary entries.
Palin 'Cross the Ocean: Isn't it time Monty Python's Michael Palin passed the travel show name-torch over to a new generation of globetrotters? And who better to guide you outside the country than America's best known Washington outsider? From her breathtaking refueling stopover in Ireland to her life-changing few minutes in 'practically Iraq,' Sarah's insatiable wanderlust is the stuff of legend. So bring your recently acquired passport, because she's taking you 'cross the ocean to the world's most exotic locales. First stop? Africa, where she'll chat with the country's president and explore its immensely popular new region, Madagascar 2.
Maverick: Admittedly, it's little more than a shot-by-shot remake of the '60s TV Western starring James Garner. But don't you think it takes a real maverick to blindly march lockstep with a much older, set-in-his-ways maverick? Short answer? "Yes." Longer answer? "Yesssss!"
So there you have it. A slate of shows fit for a queen. The good news? With a full four years until a Sarah presidency (Palin/Hasselbeck 2012 -- whoo-hoo!), there's no reason why more than one of these projects couldn't be green-lit. Spread the wealth around, you know? (just not in a socialist Obama way!) Hey, if anything, they should help pass the time 'til her inevitable coronation.
'Inauguration.' I meant 'inauguration.'