10/09/2008 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Coming Headlines!

Conservatives Electrified! Could Actually Win!

Tide of Hope Turned Back by Fear!

Four More Years of Profiteering and Intimidation!

Bullies Everywhere Psyched!

Blackwater Opens Security Kiosks in Every Starbucks!

Halliburton Changes Name to Eat Shit, Suckers, Inc.!

George W. Bush to Tour in "Will Rogers Follies!"

Vice President Palin Initiates 'Give a Homeless Brown-Skinned Lady a Scrunchy' Program!

Bristol Palin and VP Mom Pregnant With Same Octuplets!

President McCain Craps Self During Easter Egg Roll!

Barack Obama Becomes One of the Founding Fathers of New Breakaway Country: UPSCSA (United Peaceful Smart Constructive States of America); Much of World Migrates to New Land Mass Comprised of Recycled Rubber Tires and Loofahs, Epidemic Hope and Contentment Seize Entire Population!

Remaining Conservative Neo-Cons Tout Missile Defense System, No One Gives a Fuck!

US President Grover Norquist Confesses to Being Oh So Lonely, Launches Pre-emptive Strike Against Self, US News Outlets Report Favorable Outcome Until All Transmissions Cease!

Swallows Come Back to Capistrano! Gladly!