03/18/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

I Hate America!

And therefore, I will be supporting the same policies which led directly to the current fiscal crisis and everything else related to Ronald Reagan's universally discredited theory of trickle-down economics.

I will seek to abolish a woman's right to choose and decry the unholy unions of gay men and women.

I like an unhealthy and undereducated population. Therefore I will support more cuts to education than have ever been cut before and fight for real deregulation of the produce companies and meat packing and poultry industries to loosen their hygiene requirements and relax concerns about humane treatment.

I will launch round the clock attacks on President Obama and his policies while disingenuously insisting that I am in no way racist or a sore loser.

I want to see John Boehner's face on a bill of legal tender and call it "a tanback".

I support ratcheting up military spending for useless military hardware and technically unfeasible programs like SDI; also, I am in favor of building a bigger nuclear arsenal and unilaterally launching wars around the globe in order to secure our dependence on oil. I will lobby to make "diplomacy" a naughty word along with "fetus" and "change".

I support officially eradicating the middle class and making fringe Christianity the official religion of the United States of America, while simultaneously adding Intelligent Design to all science curricula.

I am in favor of keeping pharmaceutical companies unimaginably wealthy and beyond proper policing, assuring that our elderly and poor are unable to afford medication for the problems caused by all that I have outlined above. That goes double for banks, insurance companies and lending firms.

I think guns should be available to anyone and everyone, whenever and wherever they want them.

I think Jay Leno should have his own network.

I will be campaigning vigorously for the election of Sarah Palin for president of the United States in 2012.

Wow. That was easy!

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