Where the Girls Aren't

12/05/2012 08:31 pm ET | Updated Feb 02, 2016

Where are the attractive late-40s/early-50s girls to date? Why are you in hiding? I've tried finding you everywhere. I even just joined Eater, a dating website devoted to foodies, but when I asked one woman if she knew of Manhattan chef Jody Williams, she asked me, "Oh, you mean the Nobel Prize winner?" That was way off the mark.

My idea of the perfect date is meeting at a nice wine bar. On Eater I found that others' ideas of the perfect date entailed things like strolling along the Coney Island boardwalk or watching a game at a tavern and "pounding some brews." Hadn't anyone heard of the romantic One If by Land, Two If by Sea in the West Village? I decided to see if anyone on this site had a sense of humor, so I wrote, "Looking for a date to take my NetJet to see Shania Twain in Vegas." No one responded. Not even for a NetJet date?

I've scoured what seems like the two or three lesbian bars in Manhattan, and everyone there is usually together, slobbering over each other because they won't take it home. What would Dorothy Parker say about such animalistic behavior? Am I really suppose to find love around the jukebox with everyone playing k.d. lang's "Constant Craving"? I may be craving, but I'd like to find love in a more gentile way.

I've been to speed dating events, and if anything, it was like slow dating, and I was dying to get out of there. Face it: Speed dating is about instant attraction, nothing more.

I'd love it if there were a women's club where one could go wearing a fine Armani suit and sip gimlets. Or am I just from another era? Maybe I'm more Marlene Dietrich than Melissa Etheridge, more Tallulah Bankhead than Sam Ronson. I wish I could take a time machine and be a part of their culture.

Everyone I met in the past was though a contact. There was my love junkie whom I was attracted to for 25 years. There was the aforementioned chef (albeit briefly). There was a Mensa member and a woman who liked to tap-tap my butt. The list goes on a bit, but this isn't about my past. It's about my present.

I've tried finding them on long walks alone on the High Line, playing golf at the Chelsea Piers, looking to see if they're alone at the movie theater like I am, and at the gym (but there all the women look so straight, except for the ones in kickboxing classes, but those look hard, and I'm looking for cuddly). Why is it mostly men at so-called "mixed" gay gatherings? Why does it seem that so few of us exist?

OK, Manhattan lesbians, or anyone who travels here. I'm making a plan: If you know where the restaurant Perry St is, leave me a comment, and I'll meet you there. The ginger margaritas are on me! The truffle-flavored popcorn is on you. I'm a 50-year-old SWGF who loves to ski, read, eat at nice restaurants, walk my dog Watson (a female dachshund) and travel (next stop: Istanbul or Vietnam). I'm blonde, blue-eyed and 5-foot-6. I love my family of 25 and would never camp-camp in the woods (big fear of snakes!). Hopefully I'll hear from you.