Sometimes I think I'm just not good enough, or whether I'm just too fucked up on medications to be my ultimate best. Recently I was let go of a project I was working on and it's a killer for me. My eyes are all wet and I'm trying to assuage my tears with Burt Bacharach songs. "Lord we don't need another mountain," as one of his song goes. God, I feel like it's me against the Alps.
It's hard to be the fired, in unkind words because that's actually what happened. It's difficult to think you just didn't measure up. I think I've been striving to do my best since I was small. But in this case there was no second chance, just the finality of it all. What's harder is the actual "firer" likes me and wants to remain friends. I like this person tremendously, but is there really a chance to hold onto a friendship under these circumstances? "Yes, you're lovely with your smile so warm," sings Frank Sinatra now.
I'm obviously on Pandora listening to tunes writing my heartbreak away. Then he sings of "my foolish heart." It's good to be reading into songs as I look for ways to manage my future. "You see this girl...This girls in love with you." I should not be on this channel because no girl is in love with me, so I'm a loser in my personal life too. It's just a bloody day all around. I received another rejection for my book, "Gal Overmedicated." The editor thinks I'm "a rock star" but perhaps I need to write this memoir of coming off of my medications and looking back on my year when it has been a year. The year has only seven months.
This reminds me that my sister yelled at me regarding my last post here. "Sue, you're not sober. You never had a drinking problem to start out with. You just chose to give up alcohol as you come off your meds. Jesus Christ!" I looked for the word to best describe me. Turns out I'm a teetotaler. I'm that. I'm a lonely, fired girl and I'm looking to bury myself out of my pit. Burt Bacharach talk to me. "You were the sunshine baby...but I call you stormy today." Yep, my world is cloudy and gray. "Bring back that sunny day." Funny how that is. I hate sunny days. I'm an autumn girl, a winter chill. I like to be bundled, enveloped in warmth, not burned by it with my pale complexion and blonde hair.
I can't wait until the end of December. Hopefully, I'll be clean from the meds which have been in my system, some of them for over 20 years. I'm a little more than half way there. I just wish I was there. I think I need to put perspective on this somewhat disastrous day. Pandora hit it..."It's gonna take some time this time..." Thanks Carole King. I should have known it.