Learning to love myself means learning to love others. I've discovered they are both sides of the same coin. To quiet the self-berating voice in my mind, I had to stop finding fault in people. In the bible it says, "Judge not, that you may not be judged." Growing up, I was taught that verse meant if I were critical of another than I would be judged by God (and thrown into the fires of hell). Today, I believe Christ meant that if we judged others harshly, we will do the same to ourselves. His teachings weren't about doom and gloom but meant to help free His followers to live in joy.
It's hard to hold someone's behavior against them when you realize we all struggle, many of us carrying the baggage of less-than-perfect childhoods and life experiences. That's not to say that hurtful actions directed at you won't sting. They do, and the feelings about them shouldn't be denied. Understanding that we are all born innocent and only do what we've learned, makes it easier to trade our resentments in for compassion. I believe that beneath the most obnoxious personality lies a beautiful soul that I am a part of. Truly, we are all one. That is why it's impossible to pick apart another without doing the same to yourself.
Family systems and societal beliefs have a way of programming us to be fearful. We all want relief from our pain and many lash out at others to unburden themselves. That's why on a higher level, any kind of attack can be looked at as a call for love. Having empathy for what it would be like to roll in another's skates, in no way means that you should put yourself in a position to be hurt by wounded people. A good analogy for this lies in an incident that happened to my friend, Gigi, while she was living in Montana. One day out her back door, she spied two adorable bear cubs climbing a tree. Moments later, their mother appeared to help them down. Although Gigi is a wildlife photographer, she didn't take her camera outside and to try capture the scene. Understanding the protective nature of a mama bear, she knew she could be mauled if she went near them. That bear family was best enjoyed from the safety of her kitchen. In the same way, we have the choice to keep our distance from less than safe people. Like wild animals, some folks are best appreciated from afar.
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Text and images © Sue Shanahan. All rights reserved. www.sueshanahan.com