Have you ever said yes to someone and then immediately regretted it? Like giving away that yes stripped away a part of your soul that you can never recover again?
I may sound a tad dramatic, but some yes' do have serious long-lasting consequences.
Like when you're 15 years old, in love for the very first time, and your boyfriend is pressuring you to have sex... before you feel ready. And you say "yes" even though every cell in your body is urging you to wait.
Or like when you're 35 years old, and your soon-to-be husband says, "Having kids really isn't a priority for me." And you say, "Oh, yes. I totally agree. Our lives our full enough as it is without kids in the picture." Even though your heart is crying out, "That's not true. I want to be a mom."
Saying yes when you want to say no is like swallowing a sip of poison. Or in some cases, a big gulp.
And that goes for your professional and public life, too. Not just your personal realm.
As a media coach, I've heard dozens of horror stories from clients and workshop participants who got booked in the media, signed a promotional contract or landed a book deal and then got asked to do things that made their heart sink and skin crawl. (Like pose half-naked on a book cover, for example.)
Whether you're a business owner, public speaker or author, it is vital that you learn how to say no, even when there is an incredible amount of pressure to say yes.
It's very simple to do. You just say (without shrinking or puffing up or taking a "tone."): "No, I'm not comfortable doing that." Or: "No, I'm uncomfortable with that."
And if they push back, take a calming breath and feel your feet on the ground, solid and still. Then, in a neutral tone keeping your eyes, face and body soft and relaxed, say:
"Actually, this isn't open for negotiation. And... here's another possibility that I came up with ... [and then describe an alternative solution]."
That's it. You're holding to your principles while offering an elegant solution that serves everyone. Don't back down.
Remember: You don't owe anyone an explanation for feeling the way that you feel, and you don't need to keep repeating yourself. No is a complete sentence.
Safety expert Gavin De Becker says, "When a man says 'no' it's the end of a conversation. When a woman says 'no' it's the beginning of a negotiation."
By saying something just once, you're making it clear that this is not a negotiation.
Speak your mind. Stand your ground. Sing your song. Show people that you are not someone who is easily swayed or pressured. Someone who is to be respected and honored.
Need a little encouragement?
Check out these powerful public figures who have said NO even when there was intense pressure to say YES:
- Bestselling author and TV actress Mindy Kaling has said no (repeatedly) when red carpet stylists try to drape her curvy body in gigantic muumuu-style dresses. She wants to wear form-fitting gowns that show off her body, not hide it!
- America's bestselling poet Mary Oliver, almost always says no to media appearances and interviews. Her reason? She finds them unnecessary. She prefers her poetry to speak for itself. (One of her most famous poems is called Wild Geese.) It starts out: "You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your kneesFor a hundred miles through the desert, repenting."
- The 40 CEOs profiled in this book each had to make touch calls in the face of tremendous pressure -- often with billions of dollars on the line. In each scenario, their call was a career-making decision.
Saying no isn't always easy, but in the long run, it's always easier than living with the pain of a yes that you shouldn't have given.
What's the hardest no you've ever had to give?
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.