If you love an alcoholic or addict, you know how terrible the disease of addiction can be and you are indirectly impacted. If you are married to an addict or alcoholic, not only do you suffer from watching the person you love go down the tubes, you are directly affected.
You have to deal with the person you love behaving irrationally, getting sick, perhaps lying, cheating or any other number of unacceptable behaviors and, on top of that, you are legally bound to this person. That means that you bear the brunt and are on the hook for any damage they may cause.
For example, if your spouse drives while intoxicated, you are the one who sits home and worries; if he or she gets arrested for driving under the influence (DUI), you are the one who gets the call at 2:00 am from the police or the hospital; you are the one who has to pay the fines for the DUI and/or damage done to the car or another's property and funds used to pay for damages awarded in a lawsuit or insurance claim probably come from your hard earned dollars or sweat equity as well.
No doubt, addiction is one of the greatest challenges a marriage will face. It is also perhaps one of the most frustrating in the sense that a rational non-addicted person looks at the addict and says, "Can't you see what you're doing to us? Why won't you stop using?" or, "If you really loved me, you'd stop drinking, spending too much, starving yourself."
Tragically, I have seen dozens of relationships deteriorate or completely dissolve due to addiction in one spouse or the other. Given that the prevalence of addiction is staggering, this comes as no surprise. Here are some of the estimates of numbers on only a handful of types of addictions:
There are many other variations of addictions such as gaming, shopping or spending, sex and love addiction (which might include internet porn) and pot smoking which is all too often disguised as a "medical necessity."
Because all addiction is progressive, the only path for the addict and his or her spouse is a downward spiral -- if they don't get help. While this decline seems preventable -- and there is no shortage of rehabs, 12-step programs and other types of supports -- an addict has to want help in order to stop acting self-destructively.
But addiction is a disease that tells the addict s/he doesn't have a disease. Unlike other diseases, such as cancer that may invoke a patient's survival instincts, addiction wants its victims dead (but, as the saying goes, it's content to just make the person miserable).
So getting back to the issue of marriage and addiction, it would seem that there are just as many millions of people out there suffering from the effects of living with an addict. With just the numbers listed above, assuming half of these people are married, there are as many as 12.5 million spouses suffering out there on this limited array of addictions.
That's a lot of suffering.
Some of these people will divorce, some will live with the problem for the rest of their days and, sadly, the smallest number of people will get the help they need and enjoy recovery from the addiction and go on to live a happy and fulfilled married life.
The threat of divorce is not usually enough to get an addict in the throes of their addiction to stop. It's almost never a function of their love for their mate, rather it is an indication of the level of progression in their addictive illness. While the threat of divorce should never be used if you don't plan on following through with it, divorce can be a bottom for some addicts and can be the impetus for them to stop using. After all, when you are responsible for yourself and living on half of all the assets you once had, it is much harder to maintain an addiction.
It's important to seek professional guidance with regard to the strategy you use in moving forward. I recommend checking out 12-step programs such as Al-anon, CoDA (Codependents Anonymous), ACoA (Adult Children of Alcoholics), as well as the many companion programs for gamblers, sex addicts, food addicts and more.
For those who need professional advice, it can be helpful to find a therapist in your community who specializes in addictive illness and recovery. If you have tried all other measures to change the addictive family system and nothing has worked, you may want to look into conducting an intervention. This is a powerful tool that friends and family can use to educate everyone (including the addict) on what addiction is, how the family system may be unconsciously helping the addict continue their negative behavior and what type of treatment plan is recommended for the family (yes, the family -- it is a fact that treating the addict alone will do little to interrupt the dysfunctional system).
When all else fails, you may have to look at getting a legal separation or even a divorce. A legal separation is a legal proceeding in which you maintain your marital status but you are no longer tied to your spouse financially. You would need to speak with a local attorney to know if this is a good or practical option for your particular situation.
Having to get a divorce is unfortunate to say the least. It can be heartbreaking and devastating, but it sometimes is the only choice you have as the non-addict. This is especially true when there are children involved because they need a stable adult around. When addiction is present, neither parent is emotionally available and often there is little or no stability or consistency in the parenting structure.
Here are some questions you can answer that may help you get clarity on what steps, if any, you can or should take next:
Here are some national resources and books that may be helpful to you in dealing with your situation:
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Fortunately there are many medical therapies that go beyond the 12 step programs, which have their uses but are not universal. I don't believe it matters what approach an addict takes to fix themselves as long as they are sincere about it AND they are not in control of the fix. Solving an addiction is like fooling your brain which is hard when you are the one trying to do the fooling. It is best done by someone else. The most promising thing in addition therapy in my view is ibogaine-based treatments.
Coping an addiction can be teach you a lot about yourself and I think Al Anon for example is way better than AA in this regard in its approach to a compassionate nonenabling way of coping with addicts.
I think you shouldn't be in a relationship if you're going to be an enabler. An enabler makes matters worse for everyone. I believe addiction is treatable but the approach of just walking away I don't think is the answer. I do agree with the posters who say it is all about tough love and it has to be the toughest, which is hard. If you can get through an addiction, I bet your marriage will survive anything.
I agree though that any scenario that is abusive means the addiction has gone too far. I see SOME addictions become more prone to this than others. Alcoholism specifically I can see being really a hard and abusive addiction to deal with whereas I just can't see a marijuana addiction being physically or verbally abusive (though neglect is another issue). But I have to admit that I don't know a single marijuana addict (though I believe you can become addicted to anything psychologically at least).
And sometimes the addict does get help and goes on a permanent recovery. I've seen that happen often enough. Anyways, this is obviously a deeply personal issue for different people. My view is mostly stating what I'd be comfortable doing with my spouse which is that if she became an addict tomorrow it would be unlikely for me to just walk away without trying extremely hard to help her to the best of my ability. If my attempts to do so lead to me becoming less functional (which is a slippery slope I agree and hard to predict) then I would indeed walk away only because I believe you need to be able to help yourself first before you can help others.
The path to recovery and being recovered unfortunately I think necessitates multiples failures. It's the sincere trying that counts and what frustrates an observer but again, would people think it's generally right or okay to say "divorce your spouse because they have cancer?" (I've seen chronic physical diseases devastate a family just as much as addiction or chronic mental illnesses but the former is more accepted by society than the latter.)
Because I adored him I tried to stick it out, always looking for new ways of coping and ways to help him to stop drinking but the effort has burned me out. One of the chief features of addicts is a stubborn refusal to admit that there is anything wrong. They cast blame on others and insist on sticking with behaviors that repeatedly get them into trouble. My friend stands people up (including clients) on a regular basis yet he sees himself as the victim.
That's part of the deal with addiction. It's not just an inability to stop the behavior, it's the denial. Their defense mechanisms are so strong, they can't see that they are doing real harm to themselves and others.
I believe you cannot help an addict when they are in this denial stage, or even after that, until they want to help themselves.
I was adopted at birth and raised by alcoholic parents. In my undergrad years, I also did an internship working with addicts (mostly drug and alcohol) who were court-ordered to attend treatment. I have since come to the conclusion that someone with an addiction has no business being around a child. The addiction is such that it becomes all they live for and the child is often a very small blip on their radar if the child is on it at all.
Get your money & run.
TRUST ME!
The most difficult thing, tho, as several posters have said, is when children come out of these dysfunctional relationships .. and divorce. I still have to work everyday on not allowing the addict to control or abuse me. That's why it was so very important for me to have a lawyer who knew my husband was an addict, narcissist and abuser in creating a parenting plan that had boundaries and behavioral expectations regarding visitation and schedules for the children. I follow this plan to the 't' .. he does not. This plan gives me peace. It is my boundary and my safety .. even though it's only a piece of paper. So to me, family courts did help .. somewhat.
How can we help others identify the sicknesses and dysfunctions? It's especially difficult when these kinds of families live in isolation .. as is often the case with addictions.
Don't wait around hoping to be AN EXCEPTION.
These people will take you down before you know it & they don't have the brain cells to even understand or care --- REGARDLESS OF WHAT COMES OUT OF THEIR MOUTHS.
Just get out. I speak from experience.
if you do have kids, then the yardstick should be whatever is best for the kids. Sometimes that means leaving, sometimes it means staying. You have to decide.
Sometimes addicts will get treatment if your ultimatum is entering a long term program or lose the family. It doesn't matter how or why they begin treatment, just begin the process. Eventually, something will sink in.