Not knowing if you should stay or go can keep you stuck in the marital indecision cycle for many years. This can be damaging to myriad parts of your life including self-esteem, relationships with others and productivity.
When trying to decide whether or not to end a marriage, most people have at least some ambivalence. This ambivalence can be confusing and I often hear the contemplator say that he or she is waiting for a sign or waiting until the "knowledge" that it's time to leave is present.
But people can stay in limbo for years -- sometimes decades -- waiting for a clear indication and a 100% feeling that divorce is the right thing to do.
There are, however, some indicators that can act as guidelines to make the way clearer.
The first indicator is really a question. That is, in your heart of hearts, is your decision to stay (or go) based on faith or fear?
Examples of staying for faith-based reasons might include: "Our marriage is tolerable and I want to raise my kids in one house with two parents," or, "I know that I have a part to play in the negative dynamic I have with my spouse and I want to stay, work on myself, and get on the other side of this issue."
Whereas reasons that include trying to avoid pain tend to be fear based, such as, "I'm afraid of not seeing my kids every day," or "I don't know how I'd make ends meet without my spouse."
There are some situations where staying for fear can be valid, but these are few and far between and they tend to be extreme. A good example is when one spouse has a mental illness or there is some kind of abuse taking place and one parent is afraid to leave the kids with the other parent.
John Gottman developed seven principles for making a marriage work (from his book of the same title). These include understanding whether your problems are solvable or perpetual, whether each spouse has fondness and admiration for the other and works to foster these feelings and whether the couple has shared meaning.
In 2008, I developed what I call, "Workability Factors," which are a bit more specific than Gottman's principles but there is some overlap. They are aspects of the relationship that are either workable, not workable or workable with intervention. They include:
Workable if Present: Mutual trust, good communication, fidelity, & mutual respect.
Unworkable If Present:Lack of trust, no communication, infidelity, no respect at all.
Workable w/Intervention if both are willing to work: Broken but reparable trust*, some communication, infidelity with willingness to end extramarital affair(s), a foundation of respect.
*whether the trust is reparable or not has to do with the nature and extent of the betrayal as well as the willingness of the one betrayed to forgive and move past the incident(s).
I also developed a "Workability Quiz" that can be found at the bottom of the page here.
This instrument is meant to be a preliminary guide -- not a determining factor -- in whether or not your marriage should be salvaged.
If, after reading books on the subject and waiting things out to see if they get better, you still can't decipher what's what in making your decision, you may want to seek the guidance of a trusted friend or a therapist who specializes in divorce to help you get the clarity you need to make the right decision.
Suggested Reading:
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I mean no disrespect. I say that because a lot of comments to these Huff Post divorce articles are laden with sarcasm.
If I had followed your workability factors I would be divorced. But that was not what I wanted—ever. He cheated. He filed. He tried to come back. He kept cheating—same alienator. He was not trustworthy.
In the beginning of our marital crisis we were in your unworkable range. He was not willing to work at it; he was not willing to end the affair. And the times when he was genuinely willing, he was still addicted.
It took a few years but we worked through that. He did finally end his affair. We did repair and we continue to build our marriage—building being a life-long process.
I’m commenting pretty late, so maybe you will not respond. But I am curious as to what you think of Bill Doherty’s views regarding Marriage Friendly Therapists.
When I had finally had enough I left. I tried to talk to him, tell him how unhappy I was, he would not listen. I drug him to counseling where his only comment was, "she's nuts". It's been 14 years since I left. Happiest days of my life.
He has not contacted his children in over 6 years - says they are too demanding. We've all given up on him.
But if one partner breaks fidelity the other partner is allowed to break the commitment?
Then how is marriage about either?
If you don't mean 'for better or for worse' then don't say it.
Part of my marital commitment was to work though his infidelity and heal together.
I'm not saying it will always happen. I'm not saying all cheaters will stop. But there a re lot of happy marriages that have healed from past infidelities.
Saying that, I realize there are insincere individuals, and they marry too. If you are committed, and your partner is not, then if he or she wants to quit you will be left with no choice but to let them go.
The ideal of working through life's ups and downs together only works if BOTH people commit. There are people who marry only until the grass looks greener, or they tire of you, or someone else looks better. There is not much you can do in that circumstance. And if the violence is hurting you or your children, leave. Ideals are good to have, but in the end you have to protect you & your kids.
(see http://jamesbarrickphd.com/MaritalConflict.en.html ) for how to resolve them.
If it's too late to save it, learn from the mistakes so you don't do it again!
http://jamesbarrickphd.com/PsychologyofRejection.en.html
...a choice that can be entered into and exited out of as easy as an automatic car wash?
Why do we make such a big deal of and take so seriously vows or an institution that 50% of the population view as optional?
Divorce rips children apart. If it's worth it to you, to achieve greater happiness for yourself, at the expense of destroying your childrens's happiness...well, that will be a choice you will have to live with.
Some of those effects are seen soon--higher teen pregnancies and dropout rates. But some may not surface until a person is well into adulthood--midlife crisis, higher divorce rates, fears of comittment...
Some of the effects reach so far that we no longer link them to the seed that was divorce.