In my experience, when a person is the leavee, they often tell me initially they would take their spouse back if he or she wanted to come back to the marriage. This is true particularly when the spouse being left didn't see it coming and didn't think the problems in the marriage were "that bad."
But then something interesting happens.
As the divorce proceedings take place, the leavee witnesses all kinds of behavior that they'd either never seen before or they had denial about (her selfish streak isn't that bad!).
In 90% of the people I polled, there was an emphatic "NO!" when I asked this question even three months into the dissolution process. One woman had a classic response when asked if she would let her husband back in if he were to ask her to reconcile. In a word, "EW!" Another client told me that after his wife had him served with divorce papers on Valentine's Day, he wasn't sure if he could even look her in the eye again, never mind let her back in his bed!
Divorce definitely doesn't bring out the best in anyone and this is so for several reasons:
Endings are hard for most of us (even when it's our decision to end the job or relationship, for example). It takes a great deal of maturity to contain all of your intense emotions and not act out in some way.
People do jerky things when they are "needing" to not like the other in order to justify a break up. I often hear people talking about their spouse "demonizing" them and complaining more than usual just before dropping the "D" bomb on them (By the way, it may seem odd in the moment, but this all makes much more sense in retrospect).
Even when leavers know they are in the wrong, they can still try to turn things around and make the leavees feel they've done something terrible.
In one instance, a man who started an illicit affair that got outed by the daughter, tried to divert attention from his own wrongdoing and began accusing his soon-to-be-ex-wife of being an alcoholic. There was no basis for his accusations and the commotion about it soon died down but the woman (actually the same one who said, "EW!") was devastated to be left in such a way and then have another layer of pain added on top of everything else.
Seeing the worst come out in the person you married can be scarring. Seeing the worst come out in yourself can be terrifying. Yet, in such a major transition as this, it is unfortunately not uncommon.
There are books you can read to help you make sense of things such as, The Script, by Elizabeth Landers and Vicki Mainzer, and Broken Open, by Elizabeth Lesser, and When Things Fall Apart, by Pema Chodron.
It's also invaluable to get emotional support from professionals as well as from others who have been through something similar and who understand (as long as they want to heal with you or have already healed). Find a divorce support group in your area. If one doesn't exist, feel free to contact me and I will try to help you locate support near you: info@changingmarriage.com
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The book also provided me with the clearest and most cogent explanation for why people are jealous. The "trophy wife" is so important to the man that he redefines his self image into a married pair rather than himself alone. She is the ultimate prize in the finite game, and he cannot stand to redefine himself as an individual.
This book opened my eyes to the basic difference between conservatives and liberals. I felt it, but I couldn't understand it.
And then to find out that the person you had valued does not value you any longer is devastating.
At that point, the person being left has to try to find some way to justify being in that position, some empowerment. So they begin to reflect on the difficulties they had excused for the sake of the other person. And they find that the one who is leaving had faults which eventually led to their state of affairs. The betrayal is vast. The hurt unrelenting. No apologies can ever heal it.
Who among us can bear to have our selves, our egos, our relationships so completely shredded and discarded as worthless?
Had the leaver stayed, the leavee might well have continued to forgive and work for reconciliation. But the human psyche can only bear so much pain. Would that those who inflict such pain would have to feel every bit they dish out for others to feel for as long as others would feel it! Perhaps then we would be more considerate of each other.
The author wrote the clearest explanation regarding jealousy that I have ever read.
I have already developed my personal theory about why violence during a marriage tends to escalate instead of starting off with physical abuse.
I call it the "Shock Factor".
I will add this - in many splits, a third party is already on the scene. This is not a surprise I hope. What I think happens is, as the spouse in an affair, or intimate relationship with a third party decides that they are going to leave, that they will be the ones responsible, they begin to realize, especially if they care about their reputation with family, church, work and friends, that they are going to have to conjur up/or remember some "issues/problems" - particularly if the marriage looked good to those who really knew it well. I think it is perfectly natural and I understand it. I don't like it, but I understand it. My ex, upon my request that we make an effort through counseling to hold our 20+ marriage together told me quite matter of factly:
"but don't you understand? I have resentments against you!"
My response?
"get in line."
There are very very few of us who are immune to the difficult emotional rollercoaster of a divorce. And all the regretful emotions we all experience through the long and painful process as well. Even Courtney and David.
But, it seems to me that it is a cop out to blame this solely on the emotional state of the participants.
There must also be a systemic cause. The pressure that an adversarial proceeding can put on a couple can and does result in people reverting to ‘survivor mode’.
A lawsuit amplifies an “attack-defend-attack†mode of interaction that is completely antithetical to how a functioning family ought to behave.
This state of affairs is not any one actor’s fault. The lawyers are doing their jobs within the system as are the judges.
The issue is that divorce is a family matter with a legal element, but it isn’t strictly a legal problem. And therein lies the rub.
The court system is not designed to make challenging decisions. If forced, a judge will decide but everyone in the system knows that in the vast majority of cases this is not the best outcome.
If parents knew about the options they had available, like mediation, they might feel more empowered to make different choices.
They will still feel the angst and the pain, but they might find the best in themselves and each other instead of the worst.
The MediateTrix
http://mediatetrix.wordpress.com/2011/11/22/mediatetrix-part-xii-good-people-at-their-worst/
I've witnessed this a few times post divorce with extended family. I have observed in these two situations that the leavers have a great sense of self righteousness. They were constantly trying to tell their side of the story without ever admitting they did anything wrong in the failing relationship. During the transition period, while reconciliation was still possible, the leavers made matters worst by doing vindictive hurtful things to the leavees. Which in turn only straightened the leavees resolve.
The "ew" response I've developed as a result of her behavior post-divorce has definitely helped me get over the loss of the relationship. The problem is, there is still the loss of family to deal with, as well as the acrimony that developed the "ew." The quietly nasty divorce we are experiencing is something that will stay with me a very long time. Sometimes I wish I could just switch off these feelings, but life doesn't work that way.
I also was demonized. Its part of the guilt process that helps the other through without feeling too awful badly about themselves. A type of damage control for themselves so they can move forward without shame, remorse or regret.
Being made out to be the wicked witch was, and still is, one of hardest betrayals of all, even over the actual affair that ended my marriage. I know it is meaningless how I'm actually portrayed in the other woman's eyes, but I'd be lying to say it still doesn't hurt me.
Also, there are civil divorces -- which I think occur when both people have already started to detach from the other. Trying to blame an admittedly flawed process that invites contention to the partners' emotional incontinence in accepting the invitation is not helpful.
There is loss -- loss of a sense of family, identity, financial security to name a few. And there is sadness. But, in the circumstances you identify, there also is relief -- probably shared by the whole family unit that have lived under constant tension -- sometimes for years.