What Marriage Really Needs Is for Us to Get "Whys"

This week in headlines, we heard that Mexico is introducing legislation that will potentially put time frames around marriage with the minimum contract lasting two years.

There are now approximately 26 countries throughout the world that recognize civil unions, domestic partnerships and same sex marriages.

While I see these nuptial changes as positive evolution, I feel that we still have a one-size-fits-all model for partnering in a culture that increasingly celebrates our differences. These newer proposals are simply time-limited and toned-down versions of the same thing with the same expectations.

The elephant in the room (or, should I say at the altar) is the question that has, to my knowledge, never been asked and that is, "Why are people creating these special unions?" My guess is that no one asks "why" because it is assumed that love is the only answer anyone would give -- or the only right answer -- to that question. Yet, there are many additional unspoken reasons people have for tying the knot.

Let's examine just the most surface level of demographics (age, socio-economic status, and family size) and see what happens. Do those who marry out of college marry for the same reason as the empty nester divorcees do? Do those who come from meager financial means marry for the same reason the wealthy do? Do those who want to find a good parent for their children marry for the same reason as the couple who accidentally got pregnant does?

In all of the academic and media discussions about marriage and divorce, there has been no distinction between any of these groups or classes. The unspoken assumption is that everyone who marries at 25 is doing so in order to have kids, raise a family and live happily ever after. I suppose people don't think further ahead than that because divorce is not supposed to happen.

But divorce is happening and it is here to stay. In fact, I think one of the main reasons it is so common is that people have not asked themselves why, other than for love, they want to marry. And marriage, if it is to thrive, sorely needs an overhaul.

If it were acceptable for people to wed for a variety of reasons, perhaps we would see contracts of 20 years for a parenting marriage,* five-year renewable contracts for a financial security marriage, and two-year renewable agreements for companionship marriages.

*(parenting marriages could be renewable but, given that kids and co-parenting are a major reason spouses fight and ultimately divorce, most may not want to renew the contract).

Then those who married would go into the union knowing exactly what was expected of them and how long it would last. Rather than a one-size-fits-all institution, people could pick the type and length of marriage they truly wanted. Marriages with an agreed upon agenda and end date would then terminate naturally.

Instead of holding everyone in the culture to a single standard "forever," which is at the very least unfair if not impossible, people in this modern model of marriage would be set up to succeed.

And then everyone would live happily ever after.

 

 

 

Follow Susan Pease Gadoua on Twitter: www.twitter.com/spgadoua

Comments

[cheryl2586]

04:22 PM on 11/01/2011

My husband and I love one another and I can not imagine having to have to renew our marriage license because other people cant follow through with a commitment or cant live in a permanent relationship that they agreed to. I think people need to retain morals and values and if they know themselves not to be able to be with someone through the good and bad they should not get married. Why cant people learn what true love is, what commitment is, and know its not always rosey.

[Sandra Lozes]

03:01 AM on 10/29/2011

This is exactly the view I have had about marriage, and the denial to consider that divorce may actually happen, odds are that of a coin toss. The denial of the truth is what leaves people unprepared when it becomes a reality. If we ignore it, it will go away or not be an issue is naive. Thank you for a great article. Unless there is communication about marriage through an honest lens, it will continue to be vows said and broken.

[Judy Osborne]

01:49 PM on 10/24/2011

While people have a choice about whether marriage is forever we cannot forget that parenting is a forever thing. While not all parents live up to that promise, more and more do realize that they can feel like successful parents long after their adult love relationship has ended. They rearrange their commitment around the children. See Wisdom for Separated Parents: Rearranging Around the Children to Keep Kinship Strong for stories of gay and straight parents who have continued in the decades after a divorce. Judy Osborne, author, Wisdom for Separated Parents, www.wisdomforseparatedparents.com

[amellon]

06:45 PM on 10/18/2011

I married for love and stayed in a difficult marriage for 20 yrs, for that age old reason, the kids. But after 6 yrs of his cheating I was done. Since the divorce I have become disabled from injuries from a car accident and can no longer work. If I ever get married again, it won't be for love, it will be for security, and I will be very open and up front about that. Of course there will have to be a feeling of companionship and we must like each other's company, but I have no need for romance. I literally can't afford another divorce. Throughout history people have married for many reasons other than love, most of them having to do with security. Judge me if you want, be this is my reality, and that of many people I know who are alone and disabled.

[Dottedvoile]

11:15 PM on 10/17/2011

i'm 28. My parents are 54(mom) and 61(dad) and married for 33yrs. I have seen their worst rockiest times and thought they were going to divorce after 25 years. The last 6 years have been a complete turnaround. The reason why they said they do not want a divorce is because they are really in love, could not stand the thought of being apart, and make sure their disagreements don't escalate into full on battle. They claim each other as best friends and share their friends. They honestly do everything together, they talk about EVERYTHING under the sun and admit whey they are wrong.

One thing i've learned is that in this day and age I really don't know what dating is. If people have the idea of being married one day, isn't dating where you find out if that person is for you? A lot of people are extremely insecure and afraid to be themselves and just talk w/o trying so hard to impress. Many people have lost the skill of being a friend and lover. many bf/gf don't see each other as a friend. Just someone they are dating.

[Zalkreb]

05:39 PM on 10/17/2011

Ad this point, it only makes sense to ask "why" of the brides since they are the ones who initiate the vast majority of divorces. Sure, at some point, we should ask men why they get married. But that's only after we try to diagnose the real driving engine of divorce. That is, women's inability to commit. They talk a good game of commitment, as a rule, but much or even most of the time what they seem to mean rather than "as long as we both shall live" is something along the lines of "until I think I'll be happier without you." Keep in mind, a small minority of divorces involve serious breaches of the martial compact such as infidelity or abuse. There's something else going on there.

What do other people think about what brides are really committing to at the altar?

[darker]

01:25 AM on 10/17/2011

People get very excited about their fantasies!
Most of the time THEY MARRY A GENDER,
NOT a person.
By the time they "figure that out"--if they ever do--
they're screwed.

[peacefuleasyfeeling]

01:38 AM on 10/16/2011

We don't need renewable marriage contracts. We need integrity to honor our commitments. We need relationship skills so that commitments are loving partnerships and not prisons. We need forgiveness when, despite our best efforts, we can't maintain the partnerships. We need maturity and character to fairly and reasonably untangle the issues we create when we bring children into the world or share property and money.

Relationships are easy to end when we haven't invested anything but our feelings. It's when we build a life with someone that it's hard to unravel it without destroying one another.

[Dan Lee]

05:57 PM on 10/14/2011

Divorce brings in an estimated $175 billion a year mostly going to lawyers and their staffs. A single divorce costs taxpayers about $30k, factoring in costs such as food stamps, public housing, juvenile delinquency, etc. Then there's counseling services, rehab, bankruptcies, health care for impoverished single mothers and children. A couple with 50k in assets can easily spend that much on a property and child custody battle and end up in poverty.

[Sylvia Lucas]

02:44 PM on 10/14/2011

"Instead of holding everyone in the culture to a single standard "forever," which is at the very least unfair if not impossible, people in this modern model of marriage would be set up to succeed."

Yes! I just found your article, and I wrote about this today, as well: http://sylviadlucas.com/2011/10/14/why-america-should-be-more-like-mexico/

I think people are very afraid of the idea of planning for the end of a relationship, but there are truly benefits to NOT counting on forever.

[Susan Pease Gadoua]

01:53 AM on 10/17/2011

I like your article, Sylvia!

[Sylvia Lucas]

07:49 AM on 10/17/2011

Thank you! I appreciate that you took the time to read it. :)

[Abe Goldstein]

02:54 AM on 10/14/2011

If women made it worth a man's time to stay married, maybe we wouldn't have so many divorces. Show your husband love and respect, not criticism.

[lynze]

02:12 PM on 10/14/2011

I hope that goes both ways. What I have noticed in relationships that have ended (especially those ended by men who got girlfriends) is that a domino effect occurs....Men woe their girlfriends with attentiveness during the dating stage. They listen intently at dinner and call on the phone with sweat nothings and compliment their girlfriends because they want to get in their pants. When the girlfriend becomes the wife more often than not the HUSBAND stops doing these little sweet things that got the wife hooked on them in the first place. Obviously the wife does not feel impt or special when you go in the living room to eat or put the game on or whatever and choose not to have conversation with the wife. Of course if you then get a girlfriend what do you do...you shower her with flowers and attentiveness and conversation. Of course she is going to treat you with aduration and love and respect. What I don't get is Why do men stop doing these things with their wives but still expect the wife to feel aduration for the husband. If you continue to do the things that hooked your wife to begin with than I think you both would get the ultimate goal...Two people who love and respect and support each other.

[Abe Goldstein]

05:55 PM on 10/14/2011

There is much truth in what you say, sometimes all that is needed is one person needs to take a step in the other;s direction. I guess I was referring to those cases where the wife is too much of a princess and too demanding, doesn't listen to her husband, doesn't appreciate him. Today's society is demoralizing to men, all that affirmative action makes it hard for a regular guy to get a decent job.

[Shaun Hensley]

01:48 PM on 10/16/2011

Yes, men completely overdo it in the beginning and set for themselves a standard which is impossible to maintain.

[Catsun]

08:25 PM on 10/15/2011

Last time I checked, 70% of divorces were filed by women.

[Chris Close]

01:09 AM on 10/14/2011

How is a legal contract going to help in a situation where people will not keep their word given as a vow?

[Jeff Swindle]

04:53 AM on 10/14/2011

Chris, I agree with you in that the root of the problem is people's lack of keeping their vows, or commitments. I am getting married in December to a girl that I love. I am getting married because I love her, and I am committing to serve her for the rest of my life and after this life. She is doing the same for me. With an outlook of service for one another, marriages are "successful" in that they bring the participants greater happiness than they could ever achieve by simply seeking to satisfy their own present desires.
Marriage should be a question of eternal commitment of love and service.

[cuckooforcocopuffs]

11:13 AM on 10/16/2011

Then you really have no idea what marriage is. Please update us periodically. Marry her because she is your best friend and makes you laugh. That will get you through the stresses of life. If you don't have that, you will divorce. I'm not sure what all that "serving" means.

[Seth Strong]

10:55 AM on 10/17/2011

Marriage should be a question of individual freedoms and best practices.

[Seth Strong]

02:08 PM on 10/14/2011

Any vow that has a lifespan of your lifetime is a naive vow in my opinion.

[DianaLynn1967]

03:11 AM on 10/15/2011

One is either committed or one is not. This isn't just true of marriage. This is true of everything.

[cuckooforcocopuffs]

11:11 AM on 10/16/2011

He vowed to her for the after life as well! lol

[psychguyben]

12:23 AM on 10/14/2011

This contract idea kind of takes the luster off of marriage doesn't it? The countdown begins after you say "I do!" Feels romantic, doesn't it? The author also says that people in the "modern model" (yuck) of marriage are "set up to succeed". Nothing like lowering expectations to make us feel like we're "succeeding"! Might as well just sign a contract for the wedding night and see how it goes...

[Carlyn Craig]

02:26 AM on 10/13/2011

If people want to enter into term marriages, why not? Isn't that what the prenup implies, after all, that this marriage might have a term limit and in case it does there's an agreement to spell out what happens. Rich people use the prenup more than poor, because they have assets to protect, but the point is if the prenup is acceptable, then why not terms for those who like the idea?

Also, the idea that divorce is something new is very ahistorical. We have had divorce for as long as we have had marriage. Look it up. You'll find divorce regulated on some level in most societies, going back to ancient Egypt. http://fathom.lib.uchicago.edu/1/777777190170/

[Sparkle125]

12:57 AM on 10/13/2011

No one should remain in an abusive marriage, but there no longer seems to be a lot of stick-to-itiveness in too many of us. Like those, who could honor their mortgage contract but just don't find it convenient, and walk away from houses because they are underwater on the mortgage. One's word used to be one's bond. Now even with signatures all around on contracts, people seem to have lost respect for promises and commitments. If you loved each other enough to get married, accept that there will be tough and/or blah times, but also accept that you will work at keeping the love alive for the rest of your lives. There's something wonderful about knowing someone better than any other person on earth, and honoring and morally supporting that person, who also knows you better than anyone else, and honors and supports you over the decades. It's a tremendous and tremendously rewarding accomplishment. (I do not limit these thoughts to heterosexual couples.)

[John Michael Crofford]

12:44 AM on 10/14/2011

Many houses that people are leaving were sold to them with the implicit guarantee that the value of the house would not decrease. People feel they can afford to take out larger than normal loans if it is truly a good investment. If the banks essentially lied to get ME into massive debt, then I feel like it is quite just for me to walk away. The banks are getting the collateral and I was STILL ripped off because I paid more than renting while building no equity on something the banks promised would be a solid investment.

[Abe Goldstein]

02:52 AM on 10/14/2011

I doubt the banks promised it would be a solid investment, but I'm sure you promised them that you would pay them back. So now they lose money because you made a bad investment and the collateral is worth less than the loan. Would you have complained if real estate kept going up, and you made a profit? Of course not, you would have thought you made a profit by being smart. So what are you now?

[iCon4]

03:16 AM on 10/14/2011

Comparing marriage with the mortgages from these criminal banks is like saying a wife who married an attractive guy should stay with him even though he turned out to be a con-artist who sleeps with prostitutes, drains money out of their account for drugs, crashes every vehicle they own, and has a secret relationship with a rich woman from China. But he refuses to sign the divorce papers because marriage contracts (and mortgages) should be honored!!

I consider my mortgage to be an abusive relationship! (Unfortunately, I am still in the relationship...)