Last week I watched Caitlin Flanagan on the Colbert Report where she was promoting her upcoming book "TO HELL WITH ALL THAT: Loving and Loathing Your Inner Housewife." There's a lot in this new book that I like, especially the last chapter in which she writes about the loss of her mother and Caitlin's own bout with breast cancer. But, the general message she's spreading, which condemns mothers who choose to work outside the home as she's out there trying to sell books, ensures that Caitlin will not be voted most popular. It's not that she can't comment on the role of women in contemporary society, it's just that there shouldn't be the undercurrent of JUDGEMENT. Never mind the hypocrisy. What I do (or don't do) as a mother/wife/professional is my choice. And only I can decide what works for me. And frankly, it's not always easy being me...and me. I'm doing the best I can.
Adding to the ambivalence on both sides of the "mommy divide" between career moms and stay-at-home moms (Caitlin makes it clear that she turns off her computer when her children come home from school), Caitlin's on-air proclamation that "women are not valued at home the way they once were" really got me. The "once" upon a time she referred to was the 1950s and '60s when women didn't have the myriad choices many of us now enjoy. It was also a time when women of a certain stature, similar I suspect to that of Caitlin's, were expected to keep quiet about most things and certainly on the subject of an unsatisfying domestic life. My mother was one of those women. Sad really. Our well-educated, stay-at-home mothers were not happy simply setting a pretty table, tidying up the house, and playing bridge. In fact, I'd say that my inner happiness as a mom is driven by my own mother's unhappiness. She loved being a mother, provided a beautiful home for her family, but she wasn't fulfilled in any other domain. Fortunately, other women of that generation broke the mold, spoke freely and thanks to them, we are able to speak honestly and choose to create a lifestyle that works for us and our loved ones. My mother encouraged my sister and me to have careers, be financially independent and to see the world. As mothers now, we realize that it is difficult to have it all, a career and a balanced, happy home life. The trick is to do what feels right, to raise our daughters with awareness about their options and to role model a happy life style.
And while I agree with Caitlin that something is lost when a mother works outside the home, something, besides income, is gained. But to put people down for their choice is simply wrong. Rather than judge, wouldn't it be lovely if we began to value and support each other regardless of our choices. Thankfully, we still have choices.