At 47 years old, I was fighting aging, death and dying with a vengeance, compulsively exercising to look good, Botox (twice), contemplating plastic surgery. I was feeling old, looking old, and doing what I could to hang on to a thin and firm body and a face without lines. Then I had a complete shift.
It began with my facing the profound fear of death and dying. A tiny freckle turned out to be an 'in situ' melanoma (the earliest stage of this deadly skin cancer). In an attempt to avoid death, I began a journey of self-discovery and healing. I began to see my habitual patterns, and I used all my energy to change my habits. If my old behavior made me ill, I was determined to not do it any longer. And I introduced diet, massage, acupuncture, yoga, and meditation.
These were all new experiences, and they led to a new awareness of our interconnectedness and our changing nature (that death is inevitable and trying to hang on to life or hang onto things only brings about pain and suffering).
And, as a geneticist, I could see evidence of all this directly in our DNA. The peculiar thing about this awareness is that from it arises a deep sense of connection to living and non-living things, to something bigger than oneself, and to an emerging sense of compassion. For how can one hurt or harm that with which one is a part? At 47, I became aware of this truth, and in that awareness I found genuine happiness. I became more joyful, more calm, more connected, kinder, and more sharing.
I now welcome aging, death, and dying, as part of the great cycle of life. And through this welcoming came a new kind of beauty. I felt the beauty of life as it is, each moment as it arises, and the infinite glow of being part of it, rather than needing to be special, different, unique, famous. I now feel the joy and beauty in being part of a giant web of interconnectedness.
I noticed the beauty around me...the sky, the earth, the plants, the ants, the patterns they make, people of all shapes and sizes and age and colors. When you lose that judgmental perspective, many, many things seem beautiful because they are so interesting.
Once you do this, it begins to take over your physical form as well. I have a photo of me at 47 and one of me from today, 4 years later. And if I put them side by side, you would swear I must have had work done because I look so much more better now. I may have the same number of facial lines, the same body weight, the same facial structure, but physically I look different.
I do still dye my hair and blow dry it, and work out, and I'm careful of what I eat, but these are part of my appreciation for who I am. It's all about loving oneself - but one's true self, not the facade of who we are. When you become in touch with your true self, that's when your inner beauty can reveal itself.