Denial is the Devil

I have a friend who loves to cook and eat. Her talent in life is cooking and she - like Julia Child - brings that joy to her family, friends and community. But my friend indulges herself too much as evident from her weight. She is by all definitions obese and growing larger with age.

I remember the size of Denial. When my husband 25 years ago faced his 'demon' alcohol a friend at the time told me he thought he had a drinking problem. I feigned shock and insult; denial was in protection mode.

I wonder if I can help my friend see through this tangled forest of Denial and Self-Protection?

Can a friend - a true friend - sit by and say nothing as someone you love grows larger and becomes bitter with time? For over-eating and obesity usually come with other emotional baggage. I should know I lived 8 years bulimic, gorging and purging to survive.

My bulimia reflected an unsteady relationship I had with myself which may be the source of much over-eating, under-eating, or general poor care of the body. My relationship was built on mistrust and disgust. I used therapy and meditation to uncover and change it but there are many forms of investigation. The biggest challenge is to begin to look, and to look with honesty.

When do I eat for other reasons than hunger?
Why am I hurting my body?
What negative emotions drive my actions?

None of us want to see negative emotions or negative thoughts within ourselves so we project them on the world and people around us.

An easy way to see what might drive your own harmful actions is to make a list of people you like and don't like: the attributes of those on the 'don't like' list are often the very ones that drive your harmful behavior.

The process of uncovering negative emotions can only come from within: the investigative journey is ours alone.

I once walked on a road with high black brick walls of Denial on either side. One brick was knocked away and a beam of sunlight shown through. I looked in and saw a magnificent garden of colors, butterflies, joy and bliss. I began to chip away the bricks one by one and soon there was no separation of the garden and me.

May this post be a chip in a wall somewhere so that the exuberance of an authentic life can bring a bulldozer to the rest.

Comments

[tsanders726]

I agree with Halsey. You don't need to say a thing. Your friend knows that she's gaining weight; anyone who has ever had a weight issue would agree. If you think you are helping her by telling her about it, you're wrong. What will probably happen is you will cause her to be self conscious (if she already is self conscious it will be even worse) and she'll think that you are seeing her as only a fat person, not as your friend. If she asks your opinion, that's another story. But please, please, please !!!! To all the skinny, self righteous, all knowing, food and nutrition "experts".­.. for all those people who think they are "only helping" someone when you humiliate them about their weight.. you're not helping, you're hurting.

[TheGhostOfHowardBeale]

Lost a great friendship by speaking truth... While I was not in denial, it does little good when the other still walks behind that dark wall.

Now I have another friend behind that same wall - I've given minor hints to no avail. Rather than push, this time I am waiting to catch them when the fall comes.

"No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path"
Buddha

[RichardKuhns]

Denial is usually something that a person must come to in their own right. However, it's like the story of a King who had a dream and needed interpretation. The first interpreter told the King that the dream meant his whole family would die and he'd be the only survivor. The King has his head. The second interpreter made the same interpretation and lost his head. The third interpreter said, "The dream means that you will long out live your family" and was given riches.

The better way is to share you're own difficulty handling emotional eating and acknowledge your emotional eating and that if left unchecked you could gain 50 pounds. This will give your friend an opportunity to share her difficulties. It she doesn't leave it at that. A month later you can share your difficulty again--maybe what you said the first time will register by then. If she is looking for help, suggest that she google "Scale Conspiracy" which is a book about emotional eating.

[singermuse]

The best thing one can do for a loved one in their life who is eating, drinking, binge-ing, purge-ing, gambling, fill-in-th­e-blank-in­g, is first to not fall into co-dependency, secondly to realize that NO ONE can make anyone change. Shame won't do it, saying anything won't do it. The answer is in yourself. If you see someone doing something you feel is wrong or injurious, you do not have the right to "fix" them. You have the opportunity to accept them, to LET THEM GO, so they can hit a bottom and realize their need to change for themselves. This is a hard but oh so necessary lesson to learn. Better to say NOTHING and accept the person as is or not, if you can't. That is your decision.

[Vajara]

We have very few safe outlets to compensate for our stress, anxiety and depression while living in a very sick society that has lost its principles, values, reason or purpose in living. Few live in a healthy relationship with one another and all that is. Perhaps the over-eating and indulging or obtaining things of little value, greed and religious zealotry contribute to this over-weight. However, the main goal for everyone could be to design a daily health routine/program that provides the basic requirments to maintain high levels of health and wellbeing-­-physicall­y, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Without a plan, you can generally count on being out of balance, over-weight, boring, stressed, anxious and depressed. Once a holistic health plan is maintained, our self-esteem, creativity and relationships are realized.

Frankly, I would stay away from judging anyone by their size, rather, be a model for others and invite them to join you in some exercises that support the whole being. Do visit my website if you would like some suggestions and plans that I introduce to my students and soldiers.

[Halsey]

You say nothing..T­his friend/woman KNOWS she's fat and getting fatter..it stares at her every time she steps out of the shower. Say you have a big pimple..an­d some helpful soul says..YOU HAVE A BIG PIMPLE>>RIGHT ON YOUR NOSE... like you don't know? and now feel worse than ever. duh..I lost a LOT of weight in chemo..a LOT...yet.­.for some reason..pe­ople think it's okay to say "you're too thin..wait­..they say SKINNY"...­WTF? Like I don't know..and these are people who KNOW I had cancer.(an­d might never tell an overweight person..he­y...you're too fat)

Hopefully her DOCTOR will scare her into action...b­ut to bring this woman more pain (ergo..a tub of ice cream)..wo­uld be cruel and assuage only YOUR need to state the obvious. Your heart is in the right place, you love you and care for her...but don't make her sadder....­please..

[barriosbabe]

I work with this population every day and have for 17 years. Do you know what are the two number one causes today to this problem? 1. Processed foods. Put anybody on only vegetables fruits and a little quinoa and I guarantee you they will not blow up. Look at photos from the 30's - why are there no Block People? Because they were no highly refined low nutrition food. 2. People who for one stupid reason or another like the death of a loved one or a cancer diagnosis which is horrible but totally human and normal were put on you guessed it Syke Mehds. Then they blow up some of them easily 100 pounds in 18 months. The number one thing I see every single day is NOT emotional eating. I feel that has become demonized by western medicine shallow thinking. Stop the blame game of emotional eating it is not the main cause.

[quindy]

It seems that by asking the question you got your answer - do not say anything. You can only talk to your friend if you feel comfortable that she will not get mad at you. Hesitating to bring up the subject tells me that you don't feel safe talking to you friend. You might even know what is bothering your friend, but telling her might be too much for her to handle. Stay out of it until she approaches you.

[ruthinking]

Over thirty years ago I saw that my dear friend was gaining weight and told her about a diet. She became furious and told me not to ever say anything to her about her weight. Today she weighs much much more, but I never say a word. What is saddest, though, is to hear her talk about all the things she is going to do when she loses the weight.

[mlaiuppa]

Your friend may not be bitter because she is obese. She may be obese because something in her life is making her feel bitter and she is eating to compensate.

Is your friend still healthy? Or is she starting to suffer from her obesity? Diabetes? Acid reflux? High cholesterol? High blood pressure? If she's healthy, I'd tread very lightly. But if she is also growing increasingly "sicker", then it might be time to step in. Not necessarily to talk about her weight, but to talk about what is weighing on her mind and making her "increasingly bitter". Because until you address that, nothing else that is done will make any difference.

[goedel]

Eating problems can be much more severe than my problem of too much salt in dining out, certainly. As a person who does not have an over-eating problem nor an under-exercising problem, I take a considerable degree of comfort in what to others might seem a very self-disciplined life-style. I think they misunderstand. There is great pleasure in feeling fit, energetic and comfortable with one's body. That comfort is what those who have sought pleasure in the sugar, fat and salt that I limit do not know. If they could teach themselves to enjoy the pleasures of a different lifestyle, if they could realize that those pleasures are available to them, maybe they could change.

What the restauranteurs and food processors know is that sugar, fat and salt tastes are addictive. That is why, I think, they use large quantities of them in their offerings. The fact that three are cheap is no small part of their usefulness to the preparers. They are in great part responsible for the addictions of many people.

Parents, too, are at fault if they set a poor example for their children on diet and exercise. Too many parents and grandparents try to cultivate their children with sugar, fat and salt - in cookies, ice cream, cakes. They give their children life-long problems.

Having an intellect is helpful, too, because intellectual pleasures bring much self-esteem. They also have a beautiful aspect that appeals greatly to the emotions of intellectuals.

[avicenna]

I guess the reason why your friend indulges in cooking and eating more than you believe is good for her is because it gives her pleasure. Someone such as myself - who sees food simply as a means of delivering needed nutrients into the body and as purely functional - may not appreciate the pleasure aspect of motivation when it comes to eating and drinking. However, I don't think anyone is really blind to their behaviour - and when it comes time for them to change, they'll do so in their accord. I know it is trendy to equate drug addiction to eating behaviour, but most acknowledge that they are not the same thing. We don't need drugs to survive - but we are evolutionarily programmed to enjoy eating - or else there would be a problem. I have a cousin with a common endocrine disorder called polycystic ovary syndrome - and she gained massive weight during puberty. The more she was told to watch her weight and monitor her food intake - the more resistant she became. The best thing we could do is be there to support people we care about live their lives for themselves - and take care of our own issues as there are few on this planet who walk in the light of perfection.

[goedel]

As a retired physicist who spends much of his time catching up on math he never learned to do physics, I can write that there is little in my feelings of which I am not aware. I don't think I am unusual in this regard. Could it be that I am not an intellectual by Lord Moon's standards? That would explain it, I guess.

[goedel]

Eating is part of the subject of Dr Smalley's post, and I take advantage of that to post a comment because, dumbly I guess, I cannot find how to post an independent comment of my own. Maybe what I have to say will have some relevance.

My eating problem is restaurants in my area. Whether fast-food or more expensive dining-rooms, they have one thing in common (maybe more!) Too much salt in the food. Chefs seem to be trained with the idea that everyone takes his daily 2gm maximum (or more!) at their tables. The thought that there is salt in a shaker on the table for those who crave salt does not occur to them.

They greatly fear, it seems, having a patron complain, "Not enough salt!" than one who says, "I do not wish to be turned into a pillar of salt."

I don't eat out anymore. If I must be away from home for a while, I pack a lunch.

[wehrd]

How is it that's it's ok for most of the world to pack a lunch and avoid salt at all costs, but if I take food with me when I go out with friends or request no salt/no butter/etc­.etc., I am told that it's an eating disorder behavior?
Has anyone ever thought to look at the thoughts of the overwhelming majority of society and notice how they all directly contradict what is taught in eating disorder treatment? That no food should be off limits, you should be able to enjoy a restaurant with friends, keeping a detailed food diary isn't usually a good idea, cutting out entire food groups or nutrients (ie salt) is bad, that you shouldn't starve all day in order to have dessert, that food is neither good nor bad, that it's not always good to lose weight or go on a "diet".
Overeaters aren't the only people in society who have a problem with negative emotions/thoughts regarding body image and food. How do we as a society expect to get rid of eating disorders when we condone so many of the behaviors? Recovery isn't about learning to eat "normally.­" If we were to consider all the previously mentioned eating disorder behaviors 99% of us don't eat "normally. Recovery is about changing habits AND learning to ignore what everyone else is doing...no wonder eating disorders have a massive relapse rate.

[Rogan]

Well, with food, it's like with sex. If you're feeling "bad" about anything associated with it, in an emotional sense, you're reacting the wrong way, period.

(And there are all kinds of eating "disorders" that haven't been diagnosed, and have no treatment, other than what you can learn from your own behavior, to teach yourself..­.)

[LordMoon]

It's been my experience that people who are dominated by their intellect, often have no insight into their emotional selves. Their mind can create all sorts of pretty intellectual ways of making their feelings invisibile to themselves, even when they are glaringly apparant to others.

Just what does it take for someone to live by their feelings, to trust themselves emotionally, and let their emotional selves take full reign over their being?

It's not surprising to me that to those who spend a life time living in their intellect, the concept and the awarenss of the emotional self seems so alien.

Our symtoms, are a communication from the part of ouselves that we never acknowledge, that we never let out. The more we are alienated from what we feel, the greater those symptoms will become, as our emtions are forced to take more extreme measures to try and get out of the mental box we create for our soul.

Pushing back on them, that's what we learn. And we take the stategies, that are acceptable, by those who see us on the outside, but who don't know us on the inside.

Our symptoms, are our lost selves, trying to find our voice to be and to live as we really are.