I read a recent article from you regarding a daughter who was an angel at school and aggressive at home. This could describe my eight-year old daughter to a tee. I have sought help from doctors, health visitors and her school. I have tried The Naughty Step and 123 Magic. My question is do you have any suggestions on how I can help her control her anger and behaviour. Any help would be very gratefully received. Thank you
Here are some things to understand about children who are angelic outside the home and a little devilish under your roof. (Scroll down for info about a free online get together with me about this.)
Imagine holding a snapshot of your child behaving just as you'd like-- thanking you when you remind her that it's time to start her homework, or enthusiastically taking out the trash the first time you asked. I call this our Snapshot Child--the one who behaves exactly as we'd like.
And then there's the real child in front of us. Like your daughter, this child may throw a fit when you tell her it's time to do her homework, or scowl in your direction when you ask her to take out the trash. This can easily frustrate parents, especially when we find out that our child behaves very much like that delightful Snapshot Child when she is at the neighbor's house or school!
The injustice of it! If she is able to manage her behavior with other people, why can't she do it at home?
The reasons are complicated. As I wrote in my prior column, one factor is that when children are out and about, their anxiety level (even low level) escalates the vigilance of their prefrontal cortex or PFC, which works hard to keep impulsive behaviors in check. Once your daughter is surrounded by the familiarity and comfort of home, the PFC is less active in keeping a check on her behavior.
But there is more to it. Children who have trouble controlling their anger and behavior often walk around with what I call a low grade fever of frustration. Seemingly insignificant things set them off because they are not equipped to cope well with life's disappointments. It takes little for these small flames of unhappiness to turn into a roaring blaze, and sometimes we make things worse by trying to explain or rationalize when what she really needs is our help in simply feeling sad about not having what she wants.
Instead of trying to control your daughter with ultimatums or gimmicks that sound good on paper but don't work in real life, look at what leads up to her outbursts. Is there a pattern? Some children come home from school overstimulated. They need quiet and time alone to regroup. Others need a high protein/ complex carb snack to bring their system into balance. And some need to run and climb and holler, getting their ya-yas out so they can better manage themselves.
And if she does become angry, avoid trying to talk her out of what she's feeling. Simply help her feel her sadness.
Throw away that Snapshot Child version of your daughter and understand that she has different resources available to her when she is away from home. It isn't personal. Help prevent the outbursts if possible, or just sit with her while she finds her tears.
If you'd like more ideas or tips, please join me for a free, interactive webinar this Wednesday or Thursday about how to help children manage aggressive behavior more successfully at home. I look forward to meeting with you online and answering your questions! Click here for details.
Susan Stiffelman is the author of Parenting Without Power Struggles: Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids While Staying Cool, Calm and Connected and the brand new Parenting with Presence: Practices for Raising Conscious, Confident, Caring Kids (An Eckhart Tolle Edition). She is a family therapist, parent coach and internationally recognized speaker on all subjects related to children, teens and parenting.
To learn more about her online parenting courses, classes and personal coaching support, visit her Facebook page or sign up for her free newsletter.
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