School Bullying: How to Assuage Your Child's Fear

As the new school year begins, more than a few children are struggling with first day jitters. Some may go so far as to dig in their heels, refusing to even get on the bus when the dreaded day arrives, leading to escalating punishments and bribes from Mom and Dad.

One parent may threaten, "If you don't get on the bus this minute, young man, you're going to be grounded for a month!" while another offers cash if their youngster will just cooperate.

Some kids are simply playing their parents, hoping to delay the inevitable or make some pocket money by pitching a fit. But there are others who are genuinely terrified to step back onto the schoolyard after having endured an awful year at the hands of bullies. For children who have been the victims of taunting and teasing in the past, the thought of heading into another school year can be unbearable, regardless of Mom and Dad's well-meaning pep talks, or their promises that this year will be different.

If you have a child who is legitimately anxious about returning to school, here are a few things to keep in mind:

1. Encourage your child to avoid engaging with kids (crying, whining, pouting) if they bother him. Displays of weakness offer bullies the reaction they're looking for. The best first response is to simply walk away.
2. Help empower your child with role plays that teach her body language and verbal tools she can use to deter a would-be bully. "No! Back off! Stop bugging me!" can help communicate a level of assertiveness that will make a child less of a viable target.
3. Talk with the teacher or principal about arranging a meeting with kids who have been bullies to establish clear, firm consequences for any and all unkind behavior.
4. Most importantly, allow your child to offload her concerns freely, and don't engage in debates when she announces that she's quitting fourth grade. Offer empathy and support: "I understand you're afraid of going through more of the awful things that happened last year. We're going to make some changes so that doesn't happen anymore."

Give your child the chance to express her fears, work with the school to establish a strong No-Bullying policy, and empower your child so she feels safe at school, and those school jitters will become a thing of the past.

This article first appeared in Susan Stiffelman's AOL Advice Mama column.

 

 

 

Follow Susan Stiffelman on Twitter: www.twitter.com/susanstiffelman

Comments

[KatieatCaron]

11:17 AM on 09/29/2010

Bullying is a very real concern for both parents and children. Recent current events and coverage of this issue around the country highlight the struggle for children of all ages. This can make the new school year a daunting one for both parents and their children.

Encouragement and empowerment are important skills for children to learn. They can help to build confidence, which can enable children to address and manage situations where bullying may be at play. It also gives them the confidence to bring the situation to the attention of a parent or responsible adult. Being able to voice that there is a bullying situation is an important step towards finding a solution that helps all children involved.

I wanted to share a great reflection piece from the Caron Chit Chat blog on 'Beating Back to School Anxiety' that I think is a nice compliment to the tips offered in this article: http://caronchitchat.org/beating-back-to-school-anxiety/

These tips are important for parents as well as any adult role model that may be in situations where bullying can potentially arise, including a teacher or coach. Together we can help to make school a place children can be excited about returning each year.

Best,
Katie S., Caron Treatment Centers

[MarenS]

10:28 AM on 09/22/2010

I disagree, I think this is a good article. She's encouraging the parents to listen with more empathy and gives constructive actions to help the individual child avoid being targeted, while still addressing the school/teachers should be involved.

Many articles that only encourage making more rules at school regarding bullying, don't help the kids with low self esteem who become targets, so they lose many valuable lessons by not learning to stick up for themselves. WIthout this experience, they become passive adults, who have problems with boundaries in intimate relationships, issues in a competitive workplace and in general, tend not to value themselves enough to lead productive lives. Parents need to be more aware of their role in what their child learns from these experiences.

[Majestry]

10:04 AM on 09/22/2010

Unfortunately, none of those things will help with bullies. In fact, doing those things will almost certainly make it worse. There is one and only one way to deal with bullies and that is to fight back. Teachers don't help, parents don't help, no one helps. If you are being bullied in school, you're going to continue to be tormented, harassed, assaulted, and abused until you take matters into your own hands. Even then, it will probably still happen just less frequently and less vicious. The simple fact of the matter is that if you're a target for bullies, there isn't much to be done. If schools cracked down and had a serious zero-tolerance policy (suspension if you're caught bullying or something similar) then it would be reduced but anything short of that does absolutely nothing unless you do something like plunge scissors into the leg of the person who has been tormenting you.

[YrthWyndAndFyre]

11:22 PM on 10/06/2010

Being a former 'bullee', I agree. I never liked to fight, and have always found the notion repugnant. It was my first Bruce Lee movie, when I was 13, that showed me a kind of fighting that wasn't about just clobbering people. It could be a discipline, both mental and physical. That was puberty for me, when I finally started getting my growth, and Kung Fu showed me a fighting discipline that I could relate to, at least conceptually.

So I finally began to learn how to fight. By the time I was 17, physical bullying was a thing of my past. Some would still fire the odd verbal volley, but compared to the poundings I used to get, verbal abuse was a cool breeze. I could endure it indefinitely - with a smile.

It taught me a truth, though. Schoolyards follow the Law of the Jungle. Eat or be eaten. No platitudes are going to change that. Even when I got the strap for fighting, it was a small price to pay to avoid the alternative - not fighting. There is no peace in the 'playground'. I find that appalling - but it's the truth.

You can't take violence out of the schools. That's where they *teach* it. Some of us are a little slow learning the lesson. Some fatally so. Survival of the fittest - Darwin would be so proud. With all of our technology, we're still just apes at heart. Ook ook.