Laurie David Shares Family Dinner Conversation Tips

This article first appeared on www.parentdish.com

Here's a new year's resolution idea: How about trying to get the family together around the table for dinner more often?

Not only is the family meal an opportunity to make sure that your kids aren't subsisting on soda and cheese curls, it's also an important time to connect as a family. But what if your family conversation lags? I spoke with Laurie David, friend, mom and author of the new book, "The Family Dinner," to get her take on how to keep table conversation lively and friendly.

Susan Stiffelman: Laurie, one of the most unusual aspects of your book is your emphasis on creating fun and connection at the table.

Laurie David: I think the trick to great dinner conversation is coming to the table prepared with a lively question or easy verbal game. I don't like leaving things up to chance, particularly holiday dinner talk. One good question is generally all you need to get things going. Of course "The Family Dinner" is full of ideas, but here is one to get started. Go around the table and have everyone describe one of their idiosyncrasies. You will be amazed by what you learn about people you think you know really well.

SS: Are there rules to this game?

LD: The main rule is to avoid being rigid, and to let the conversation flow wherever it goes so that people feel safe to share their quirky weaknesses without feeling criticized or judged. It's not about controlling the conversation; it's just about starting it. That is the whole point of the questions: Getting people to relax, have fun and talk about things other than the food.

SS: It sounds like you believe it's important that everyone -- including children -- learn to associate the dinner table with a time for exchanging ideas and getting to know one another better rather than simply a place to refuel with a quick meal.

LD: It's my philosophy that everyone should come to the table ready to participate and be good dinner companions. That includes kids, dad, moms -- everyone. It's not something you would ordinarily think of on the list of manners you want your children to adapt as they grow up, but I believe it's right up there with putting your napkin on your lap. In the "olden days," kids were expected to be good conversationalists and recite poetry to entertain dinner guests!

SS: And after dinner, the extended family would gather around the piano and sing songs, since there were no televisions, iPods or stereo systems! I like the idea of teaching children to come to the holiday table -- or any meal -- prepared to not only enjoy the food, but to forge more meaningful connections with family and friends.

Susan Stiffelman is the author of "Parenting Without Power Struggles." To read more of her Parentdish columns, please click here.

 

 

 

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Comments

[Jonathan Roseland]

11:43 PM on 02/03/2011

I think that being a good conversationalist is combination of mindset and communication techniques. To be interesting you have to be interested. I did a blog of several very good conversation topics, let me know what you think thanks!
http://www.interestingconversationalist.com/blog/46-blogs/100-be-interesting-11-fascinating-conversation-topics.html

[Daisytoo]

06:24 PM on 01/18/2011

Thank you for this thoughtful, practical article. The cultivation of the art of good conversation while gathered together for a family meal is so worthwhile and the benefits far outweigh any imagined 'inconveniences'.

The excuses of 'too tired' to be civil and intimate w/one's family at the end of a long work day fall as flat as the excuses people can make for that other wonderful form of (adult) civility/intimacy: Sex :)

Both manifestations of intimacy are worth overcoming tiredness for, aren't they?

[margamoureux]

11:22 PM on 01/17/2011

Of course everyone is quick to defend "their way" of doing things, but I appreciate the idea behind this article. The fact is, most families don't sit together at dinnertime and they don't have family conversations. Those out of practice would probably appreciate some practical advice on how to get back into it. Further, although HuffPost readers all have perfectly socially developed children, in many families, not everyone is going to speak up, so I think it is great for parents to make an extra effort to stimulate meaningful discussions in which everyone participates.

[thinkingwomanmillstone]

10:45 PM on 01/17/2011

Do parents really not know what to talk to their own kids about? How about looking in their book bags and talking about what they are reading at school. If there was a book assigned to my children that I hadn't read, I read it. Easy conversation. If you pay attention to their lives, you'll have plenty of topics. It really shouldn't be looked at as a chore or a difficult thing...just something that naturally occurs when people sit at a table and eat together. My kids didn't have cell phones until they went to college, but they are ubiquitous even in the early grades now. Turn off the cell phones (including yours) while at the table...at home or in a restaurant.

[Fran Jaime]

11:38 PM on 01/17/2011

My feelings exactly!

[thinkingwomanmillstone]

07:33 PM on 01/18/2011

If they don't have enough interest in their children's lives to know how to talk to them, do the authors really think they'll read a book about dinner conversation?

[Kellybelle22]

09:23 PM on 01/17/2011

I like the idea of using a game or contriving family connection if dinner conversation seems to be lagging, I suppose. But I even better like the idea of letting the family come together in their honest states and share what's going on if they feel like it. Not training them to be "on" when they don't want to.

We ate dinner together every night as a family when I was growing up. Some nights conversation was lively and sparkling. Some nights it was somber. Several times it was sullen when we were teenagers. Sometimes I just felt like eating, being quiet and basking in the reassuring conversation between my parents and whatever guests might have been included, and that was fine, too.

I prefer the spontaneous approach now with my own family.

[justforyou]

07:46 PM on 01/17/2011

I don't agree with you on a coupe of points, though I appreciate where you are coming from.
Firstly, my husband and I grew up in families where we were forced to sit at the 'family dinner table' , eat foods we didn't always like and the conversation either wasn't there or was troublesome. Needless to say our son who is a picky eater, is allowed to be one, and he isn't forced to join us and make conversation.
Secondly this notion of the 'olden days' being something to wistfully go back to is nostalgia of the worst kind. I remember kids including myself, who were made to 'entertain' others who visited. There is no way we are putting that stress on our son or our guests.
Our son is well-adjusted, happy, sociable, creative, smart, popular and well-loved. The 'family dinner table' isn't everything in a child's life. We have found that board games as family time around the table are fun and can spark conversation without stress.

[french queen13]

05:47 PM on 01/17/2011

"I think the trick to great dinner conversation is coming to the table prepared with a lively question or easy verbal game. I don't like leaving things up to chance, particularly holiday dinner talk."

Gag. Pardon me if I'd prefer spontaneity to what sounds like a forced "Let's all be jolly!" regime. What if people are tired after work (whether at home or out) or school and don't really feel like doing what sounds like something out of a 1960s television sitcom? Talking at meals is great, but really, does it have to be turned into yet another task, yet another leave-nothing-to-chance demonstration of the perfect family?

[dnb310]

04:58 PM on 01/17/2011

Easy to say when you have a staff to cook, clean and take care of your kids.
So, after a long day of doing whatever the hell she feels like, jump from the Prius (the red one today, I think) into a bubble bath (bio greenie, natch.) enjoy meatless monday with the little ones and discuss the issues of the day. Her hearts in the right place, but please...