My seventh-grade son has been complaining about going to school for months. He usually eats lunch alone and according to him, "it's torture." He hasn't made many friends since we moved here at the beginning of the year and he is kind of a hard kid to get to know. What can I do to help?
"Imaginary Audience Syndrome" aptly sums up the experience of a typical middle-schooler as he moves through his day, certain of being constantly evaluated by his peers about everything from the way he laughs to the color of his shoelaces.
Few kids this age understand that their peers are far too self-conscious about what people are thinking of them to pay close attention to those around them. A successful day at school is one in which you didn't embarrass yourself horribly, a cute guy or girl smiled at you and you had someone to hang out with at lunch time -- ideally, someone with social clout. It is a time of profound insecurity, all of which is only made tolerable by having friends.
Roll back the clock and try to recall your own seventh grade year, particularly the experience of getting your lunch tray and looking for a place to sit. If you had secure friendships, you would hear, "Hey -- we're over here!" You'd join your group, buffered from the indescribable humiliation of either sitting alone, or sitting at the "losers" table.
But if, like your son, you hadn't yet formed alliances, you will remember the awkwardness -- or sheer panic -- of looking for a safe harbor in the sea of middle schoolers, all (in your mind) watching you with unwavering focus to assess your social status -- or the lack thereof.
It is torture to be a middle schooler without a tribe.
Here are some ways you can offer help to your son:
- Let him vent. When our kids deliver a complaint, it's tempting to offer fixes and solutions. Simply allow your son to tell you what he's going through without trying to convince him that things aren't so bad, or that he should simply "be friendlier." "Tell me more" will be your most useful phrase. Once he feels heard and understood, he'll be more open to your suggestions.
A middle schooler's worst nightmare is being untethered, wandering the rows of tables at lunch without the anchor of a friend or friends. I'm glad your son has confided in you (some kids keep their problems a secret) and hope that these ideas provide you with ways to ease his lunchtime loneliness.
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