When I was growing up, we didn't have much. Each kid got a few presents for Christmas and we were happy about it. Our kids expect way too much--partly because my wife and I have overdone it, buying almost everything on their lists. They are happy for a while but then a lot of those toys and games sit around collecting dust. Any advice for getting on track with our values, which are that the holidays are about being with family and having fun and not so much about what you "get?"
Every parent loves to see their children's delight as they rip off the wrapping paper and discovering a treasure inside, especially if it is something they've asked for. But as you've pointed out, that initial pleasure often wears off--and fast! Here are my thoughts:
Do a re-set on expectations. "Kids, mom and I want our holidays to be special, and not just about getting more things to shove in the closet." Explain that you know it's a thrill to see a big stack of wrapped presents, but that you want to start bringing back what the holidays are about--creating closeness with family, rather than an accumulation of more "stuff." Then let them know about the new traditions you are planning to institute. My advice is to avoid being too severe or radical all at once. Perhaps you'll just cut back on what they receive, and add in more homemade gifts or coupons for special outings. (See below)
Prepare for push back. If your kids have come to expect that Christmas is all about getting material things, they may be disappointed to hear that this year will be different. I am a great believer in helping kids discover that they have within themselves the capacity to cope with disappointment. This can only be accomplished by allowing them to feel sad. Don't over-explain or justify your decision. But do let them feel what they feel without judging or scolding them.
Step back in time. In the past, exchanging gifts was often about making something special for someone special to you. It allowed the giver to think about something that would please his loved one, and use his creativity to offer up an expression of love. Set aside an hour or two for family gift-making. Put out a basket of craft materials, writing paper and calligraphy pens, pastels, sketch pads, and clay, and let each member of the family take supplies to a private workspace to secretly create handmade presents.
Create coupon books. Make each child a book of coupons they can redeem whenever they like. (Naturally, you can add necessary conditions in the fine print!) Include local outings: "This coupon is good for a trip alone with Dad and Mom to that Korean restaurant you like." Or a special privilege: "This coupon entitles the bearer to the privilege of passing off your chores to Dad on any Saturday of your choosing." Or it may be for a family adventure: "These coupons are good for one family adventure to Catalina Island for the day!" Be sure to include a coupon for simple time together. "This coupon bestows upon the bearer the right to cook a meal or dessert of your choosing with mom or dad."
Congratulations for recognizing that what brings the greatest joy to children isn't something you can wrap in a box. What children want and need most is a loving connection with their parents--and time together. May your holidays be filled with joy, and enjoyment!
Susan Stiffelman is the author of Parenting Without Power Struggles: Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids While Staying Cool, Calm and Connected and the brand new Parenting with Presence: Practices for Raising Conscious, Confident, Caring Kids (An Eckhart Tolle Edition). She is a family therapist, parent coach and internationally recognized speaker on all subjects related to children, teens and parenting.
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