I've done it more times than I care to admit. You probably have, too. I try to ignore the urge, but it takes a lot of will power, and even if I resist, part of me falls prey to FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out.)
I'm talking about what I have come to affectionately refer to as The Reach. You know what I mean -- that involuntary extension of your arm in the direction of your cell phone when you're anxious to see what emails/ text messages/ calls/ tweets/ Facebook posts have come in since you last checked. (Note: This urge can occur in as little as three minutes of non-phone access.) The Reach also happens when the phone pings, beeps or vibrates.
Here are some situations that prompt The Reach.
You've been asleep. This can be handled if -- like many -- you sleep with your smartphone tucked under your arm. Otherwise, chances are, one of the first things you do when you arise is The Reach.
You've been showering. You may wait until you dry off, but if you're like many people, looking at your phone after your shower is one of the first things you do, unless you're a diehard, in which case your phone is housed in a waterproof container which makes it usable in water.
You've been in a meeting. The Reach is so automatic in these instances that it is more or less a given that as soon as a meeting is wrapping up, everyone in attendance will reach for their phone to check in.
The phone pings. The most common catalyst for The Reach is simply that it makes noise in our vicinity. Regardless of what we're doing--nursing the baby, writing a letter, sautéing spinach -- if that ping announces a message, update, or alert has arrived, our Pavlovian response is to drop what we're doing and check it out.
It's natural. Our brains love the squirt of feel-good neurotransmitters that get delivered when something new or exciting comes on our radar. And every ping delivers that promise. Someone is reaching out via a text message or email; I am special and loved. Something was just released in my news feed or on Facebook! My world just got more interesting. Like a moth to the flame, we are drawn to the light--to novelty and newness.
I can't judge this tendency because I fall prey to it, although I work daily to choose rather than react when I hear those alerts. But as someone who works with parents and kids, I can say with more than a little concern that The Reach comes at a cost, particularly for our children.
Little Lucy is telling you about what happened today at recess.
"PING!"
Maybe Emilia is texting to let me know that they can join us on Sunday!
or
Is that email the email about the condo?
The temptation to disengage from your child and check your phone "for a second" can be overpowering.
Time and time again I have seen a crestfallen look land on a child's face when daddy holds up that finger -- "Just a minute... this is important," implying that the interaction that was going on with her was not.
I have watched babies being nursed who eventually stop gazing toward mommy's eyes because her eyes are invariably on her phone. The takeaway for children when we disconnect so that we can check our phones is that they can't compete in importance with whoever or whatever caused that little rectangular device to make a noise.
I don't have a simple fix. Sure, we can say that we need to stop being slaves to those beeps and pings, and take control of that tendency to interrupt the human connection for the cyber one that is beckoning to us. But realistically, that is not likely.
Instead, I encourage the parents to do The Pause. Similar to The Reach, this is another option you have when that PING goes off. Staying present in your skin, notice how you feel: Anxious? Curious? Excited?
Ask yourself: Do I want to disconnect from little Emilia to check my phone? Count to five and decide whether to disengage from your child, or endure the wait and check your phone in a few minutes.
If you do choose to check your phone immediately, respectfully explain to your child, "Honey, mommy is waiting to hear from Aunt Phyllis. I want to hear the rest of your story. Would you excuse me for about 3 minutes?" This acknowledges that you two were indeed sharing a sweet moment, and gives her a specific time when you'll return. Instead of feeling less valuable than whoever's on the other end of the device, it helps her feel cherished and important.
With the many plusses offered by our devices come ever new challenges as we integrate them into our 3D lives. Hopefully, we will work toward developing habits that do not neglect the irreplaceable gifts that come with human connection.
Susan Stiffelman is the author of Parenting Without Power Struggles: Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids While Staying Cool, Calm and Connected and the brand new Parenting with Presence: Practices for Raising Conscious, Confident, Caring Kids (An Eckhart Tolle Edition). She is a family therapist, parent coach and internationally recognized speaker on all subjects related to children, teens and parenting.
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