If you've seen the show Mad Men then you're already familiar with Betty Draper's off putting yet alluring character. In the majority of her scenes she's located in a plaid-coordinated suburban kitchen staring blankly at her children while discontentedly huffing a cigarette. As her children eat (or dare speak) she sips from her bottomless wine glass through perpetually lipsticked stained lips.
Only when one of her blue-eyed children draws Betty's attention with an innocent query, "When is Daddy coming home?" (FYI Daddy is never home because daddy is always up to no good with some other coiffed babe) will Betty wake up. Then she responds with one of her classic era-driven parenting standards such as "Go watch T.V.!" Or if there is daylight she might innovate: "Go outside and play!"
If you haven't seen Mad Men then just imagine an utterly spoiled, gorgeous, turned-out mother who has no idea what to do with her life, or how, in fact, her life became her life and who has become so very very angry about it all. As the mother of two, one of whom has brutal allergies, I can't help but think how lucky Betty is to have such hearty looking kids. I can only imagine how furious she would be with any such child-related inconvenience as life threatening food allergies: "He can't even eat the same peanut butter sandwich as Sally! Don. Please! Do something!"
And yet. Once in a while, I admit, I channel dear old "Betts" (as her condescending hubbie refers to her) from time to time. Why would I want to tap into such a displeasured maternal figure; a near mommy monster? My husband is nothing short of awesome, I love my work and my children. Haven't smoked in years (though Betty makes it look soooo good) and I drink in moderation.
Oh. But every once in a while my kids get a little too silly at the wrong time. Like Don, my hubbie works late "in the city" at his media company. And while I'm not bitterly pining away in suburbs, when I solo parent, I don't believe in negotiating with tired children. Madmen reminds me that there was a time, not long ago, when parents didn't explain, and reason and justify, they just told.
Of course, when my children act out, my directives are expressed with kindness. I can't muster Betty's tone or hostility. But even in the 2009 version of parenting, discipline doesn't work if it lacks confidence. For better or worse, confidence is not Betty Draper's problem. She may be quietly furious but she knows that she is a gorgeous monied honey; a paragon of Kennedy-era femininity.
So when it's bedtime and both kids are dancing about my east side rental like they are on speed (or in my son's case too much asthma medication) my inner-Betty silences that wimpy thought "Maybe they're really not sleepy?" and confidently issues, "Bedtime. Wash up. Now."
And in my gratitude that I don't have to endure her train wreck of a marriage or to wear Betty's high-collared dresses and stiff undergarments (rather the comfy ubiquitous Manhattan mommy uniform of jeans, boots, well-cut tee and lightweight cashmere cardigan) I feel the urge to raise up a chilled daiquiri in her honor and the slim hopes that, by next season's final episode, Betty will get a stab at on-camera mothering and be directed to snub out her cigarette, walk over to her children and hug them children tightly before the final credits. Doubt it though. So maybe I'll go and do that instead.
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She strikes me as being depressed, following her father's death and baby's birth. Betts has the makings of an addict.
I agree that Betts may very well have the makings of becoming an addict, but keeping in mind the era of MM - she will more than likely become an alcoholic, and we all know she has definitely had enough practice drinking.
My lovely and devoted mother was the only one who took the time to actually parent and because she was the only one around she put up with a lot of resentment from us. Later my wonderful and devoted step-father had to put up with the same grief.
Although, I am not a television couch-potato I am a die-hard fan of Mad Men (aka MM) and have been since it's start, I am hooked. Personally, I am very familiar with this era and I think MM is portraying it quite well. As for Betts, she's what some refer to as one of those postpartum depressed* women - aka, spoiled and self-centered. Women who were so use to having the spotlight shone on them that they can't bare to have anyone else upstage them in the attention category - so they create a dramatic/depressed atmosphere, starring none other than themselves. It appears that Betty doesn't smile often because she wants someone to ask her what they can do or give her to make her smile. Perhaps she is frustrated with her life, because she's not doing much to contribute to her own happiness.
Anyway, Betts is going from one open-wallet to another with Hunter, the only thing is, she's not really taking much to the table is she? No, she's a pampered brat who does not work outside the home, but has the nerve to have a housekeeper. Yet, she still can't seem to find a way to accomplish anything meaningful or goal(s) she may have once had.
*My disclaimer: The comments here are not meant to make light of (true) victims of depression, as depression is a serious emotional/mental illness which can affect anyone at anytime.
My impression of the illness is that it happens to severely isolated women. In most cultures, there are scores of older female relatives in the home, helping the mother with all the mysteries of a new baby - how to breast-feed without pain, what to do when a child cries, soothing new-mother anxieties about every little cough etc...
Indeed, mid-wives are so-called because they used to stay in the home for several weeks after the birth to cook, clean, give advice about the infant etc... until the mother was "churched".
New mothers today live in small nuclear families; their mothers, aunties, grand-mothers, older sisters etc... don't visit regularly; their mothers, when they do visit, are useless at helping them with things like breast-feeding because it simply wasn't done thirty years ago.
I know a young mother who uses youtube and google for help when she is stumped and alone at home with her new baby. Just thinking about her situation makes me feel depressed.
Although, I am not a television couch-potato I am a die-hard fan of Mad Men (aka MM) and have been since it's start, I am hooked. Personally, I am very familiar with this era and I think MM is portraying it quite well. As for Betts, she's what some refer to as spoiled and self-centered. Women who were so use to having the spotlight shone on them that they can't bare to have anyone else upstage them in the attention category - so they create a dramatic/depressed atmosphere, starring none other than themselves. It appears that Betty doesn't smile often because she wants someone to ask her what they can do or give her to make her smile. Perhaps she is frustrated with her life, because she's not doing much to contribute to her own happiness.
Anyway, Betts is going from one open-wallet to another with Hunter, the only thing is, she's not really taking much to the table is she? No, she's a pampered brat who does not work outside the home, but has the nerve to have a housekeeper. Yet, she still can't seem to find a way to accomplish anything meaningful or goal(s) she may have once had.
I grew up with a mother much like Betty Draper. I seldom remember her smiling or giving a warm hug to her children. We watched too much television because she was not emotionally present. She smoked and drank scotch at the kitchen table. She seemed to spend her time waiting by the windowsill. My father never came home work on time. One day he did not come home at all.
I find this show to be a brilliant portrayal of the times. Parenting was a different thing in the 50's-60's, more hands off, less warm and fuzzy for some of us. It taught me how not to raise my child.
I look forward to seeing what is brewing in the Draper household. I want Betty to grab that chubby little girl and her vulnerable son with unconditional love. It all comes pretty close to the bone for me.
A female relative who felt trapped in a loveless marriage (during the Betts' era) repeatedly harkened me to "learn from her mistakes." It sounds like you developed an awareness as such despite the sorrow.
As to our wishes for physical contact and unconditional love, at this point in my life, I believe that some are simply incapable of giving and receiving tender loving ~ for whatever the reason. To go through life in such a detached, self-absorbed manner is tragic.
Those of us on the receiving end of a parent's apathy, who have been blessed with a resilient spirit, do not have to travel the same road. However, we often carry the weight of that yearning forevermore.
I follow your posts everyday. I enjoy your style of writing and speaking from the heart.
I know so many people- all ages- that yearn for love and acceptance. It has sadly become part of the human condition. We sometimes forget that it is our birthright to be happy. Unfortunately the scars of our childhood ( much like what we see portrayed on the screen so brilliantly in MM) tend to define us throughout life unless we strive for change.
My mother died waiting by that windowsill for a man who never came home. There was so much stigma against women being alone in the 1960's, that she stopped living. She told me that she went to a movie by herself once to see her favorite star. She was so self conscious even in the darkness that she left midway through the film.
I have done the opposite of her every notion, not out of disrespect, but from practicing a witness consciousness, even as a little girl. Nothing about our lives felt right.
The writers on Mad Men nail every aspect of the children's reactions such as from being sent upstairs as soon as Daddy comes home. You can see how badly they want that hug, their father's affection to counter Betty's coolness. The living room scene when Don and Betty tell the kids that they are separating was so real that my fiance suddenly remembered that it was exactly what happened to him at 8 years old.
But onto the real subject of your post, I don't think Betty is a role model, but she is also not a terrible mother. What she is is a depressed mother. It is amazing to me that she gets dressed in the morning. I think in real life, she would have spent a lot more time in her housecoat. Her distance from her children seems appropriate in light of her circumstances: cheating, lying husband, wasted potential, vapid neighbors, stifling suburban environment.
Yeah, I identify with Betty. Not the cheating, lying husband part. But a lot of the rest. So, I get her. And even though I don't spend my days in a housecoat, it's because I spend a lot of time in my workout clothes instead. And even though I don't ignore my kids at all, it's because I was indoctrinated into a very different mothering environment where that would just be unacceptable.