I got a phone call from a Cosmo magazine, asking me to contribute a tip for their upcoming feature, "How to Improve Your Sex Life in 30 Days." The title of such a venture already gave me some doubts. I hated the whole notion of tightening up your libido the way you would a set of abs.
After a fruitless conversation, I hung up the phone, depressed by their orgasm-indifferent attitude towards women's sexual pleasure. They thought improving your sex life meant impressing a man, rather than making a significant erotic impression on yourself.
To comfort my wounded soul, I logged on to my freelance writer chat-group online.
"I always get asked the same questions by these women's magazines," I wrote, in the "Pissed-Off" topic. "I wish someone would ask me how to RUIN their sex life in 30 days."
One of my colleagues, Mary Elizabeth, quickly posted her response: "Who needs 30 days?"
How right she is! Destroying your sex life is a snap, compared to enjoying it. I've devised a list of a dozen libido-killing strategies that any seeker of the sex-free lifestyle ought to be able to accomplish well before a month is up.
Ready?
1) Don't admit your sexual desire
Single gals, go ahead and play the dating game all you want-- the important thing is to never admit that you have a sexual interest at stake. Shop for the perfect marriage, but make sure that all your efforts are for romance, or God's will. Follow the "Cockteaser Manual" page by page, and rest assured that none of it will make you hot, horny or sweaty. If you make the right match in the proper state of sexual ignorance, you may elude the clutches of lust altogether.
Some of you bad girls who have been around the block may have dabbled in sexual pleasure in the past. It's time to straighten up and fly right. You're a wife and mother now-- do you want people to think you're some disgusting slut? If you don't have a headache by now, start sniffing glue.
2) Stay indoors
This is one of those subtle but surefire strategies to shut off unwanted outbursts of sensuality. You don't want to feel the sun on your face. Remember: it's cancerous. Flowers will activate your allergies. Fresh air and exercise might wake your clitoris out of its coma. (If you're the type to stand in the middle of a storm singing "It's Raining Men," there's really nothing we can do for you).
3) Throw your diary in the trash
Self-reflection is a one-way ticket to erotic speculation. One moment you're innocently recording your dreams-- and the next thing you know, your pen is scribbling an illicit fantasy. There you are, acting sexy without even taking your clothes off! It's time to stop "expressing yourself," and begin expressing a little self-restraint.
4) Blame it on the kids
This is a tip for the parents among you. If you haven't ceded your connubial bed to your children by now, you are under the mistaken impression that there should be some standard of privacy in your home. You don't want your kids to think that you actually do the deed, do you? Don't make them sick! If the stork was good enough for grandma and grandpa, it's good enough for you.
5) Remember: Your Body Is Disgusting
Take off all your clothes. Look in the mirror while standing directly under a fluorescent light. Notice any flaws? Of course you do-- make note of them out loud, and in writing. Now begin a new habit of mentioning those same flaws to your family, friends and acquaintances every single day. Extra points for imposing your self-deprecating remarks on total strangers.
6) Go on every crazy diet you ever heard of
While you surveyed your figure in your mirror, I'm sure you noticed one indisputable fact: you are grossly overweight. I don't care where you tip the scales-- the fact is, you're a fat pig. Get cracking, and start that cabbage soup diet. There's enough liquid protein enema solution for everyone. If you've only flirted with anorexia and bulimia before, it's time to get serious. Did you know self-starvers and bingers don't ever have orgasms?
7) Get religion
Embrace a faith which demands that sexual desire be sacrificed to achieve a higher goal. It doesn't matter whether the aim is enlightenment, a first-class seat at the pearly gates, or a special appearance on your guru's fund-raising campaign.
Tired of old-fashioned churches? No problem-- plenty of New Age disciplines are just as repressive as their Old Age counterparts. Find one of those cults where no one gets laid except for the old codger at the top.
8) Don't play with yourself
'Nuff said.
9) Buy something
Did you know that every erotic urge can be repressed by a rigorous round of retail therapy? Don't hesitate to buy things that are advertised as something that will make you feel sexy. These unsatisfying purchases will simply titillate you into buying more-- and will never, ever, result in your having actual sex. Go out there and shake your moneymaker!
10) Covet what you can't have
Assume an envious position. The more you pout, the less chance you have of noticing any opportunity that does come your way.
11) Give yourself a label and stick with it
Stop fighting stereotypes and start advertising yours. When you're certain you know exactly what box everyone else fits into, you're less likely to ever get out of your own.
12) Shut up
Talking about sex honestly with other people makes most of us uncomfortable. Get a clue, and stop trying to have that conversation! Talking about sex leads to thinking about sex-- and before you know it, you're back to step No. 1: thinking you might like to have some someday! Cut it out. Once you've finished reading this map to sexual destruction, for goodness' sakes, don't mention it to anyone.