I can't give you soundbites about movies: I care about them too much. But I can deliver ruthless verdicts on the Oscar fashion attire without so much as a stained armpit.
The rest of the year, I am a radical anti-lookism activist lobbing grenades against superficiality in all things. But just for this one occasion, let me present-- The Catties:
Babe Of the Evening: Salma Hayek
Incredible Hullabaloo Over Nothing: Jessica Alba.
Cutest 4-Eyes: Ludacris
Dijon... Is Such a Difficult Color: Michelle Williams
Saddest Hair Loss: Nicole Kidman
I Love Cary Grant on Acid: George Clooney
Why is She Up There? - Jennifer Lopez
Don't Ever Show Me That Bow Again: Charlize Theoron
Best New Fox Who Always Was a Fox: Matt Dillon
Vintage Dolly Dimple: Reese Witherspoon
Comb Your Hair-- Get Some Duct Tape: Hilary Swank
What the Fuck? - Melanie Griffith
I'm Worried About Her Now: Dolly Parton
Oh My God, What Has He Done to Himself? - Keanu Reeves
Perpetual Rose: Jane Seymour
Laughing Gas Funny: Helena Bonham Carter & Tim Burton
Stunning from the Neck Down: Uma Thurman
Proudest Couple: Felicity Huffman and Bill Macy
Sexiest Woman Alive: Catherine Keener
Darling Poppet: Amy Adams
Most Fantastic Improvement in a Dress: Meryl Streep
Best New Heart: Robert Altman
Oh-- and what was I wearing, sprawled on the couch? A silver lame number with impossible décolletage, my "Carmella Soprano" fur, diamond bunny necklace, a wiglet straight out of Valley of the Dolls, and matching Birkenstocks. What did you have on?