The Catties: Susie's Red Carpet Awards

I can't give you soundbites about movies: I care about them too much. But I can deliver ruthless verdicts on the Oscar fashion attire without so much as a stained armpit.

The rest of the year, I am a radical anti-lookism activist lobbing grenades against superficiality in all things. But just for this one occasion, let me present-- The Catties:

Babe Of the Evening: Salma Hayek

Incredible Hullabaloo Over Nothing: Jessica Alba.

Cutest 4-Eyes: Ludacris

Dijon... Is Such a Difficult Color: Michelle Williams

Saddest Hair Loss: Nicole Kidman

I Love Cary Grant on Acid:  George Clooney

Why is She Up There? - Jennifer Lopez

Don't Ever Show Me That Bow Again:  Charlize Theoron

Most Exciting Breast Jiggling: Jennifer Garner

Best New Fox Who Always Was a Fox: Matt Dillon

Vintage Dolly Dimple: Reese Witherspoon

Comb Your Hair-- Get Some Duct Tape: Hilary Swank

What the Fuck? - Melanie Griffith

I'm Worried About Her Now: Dolly Parton

Best Plunge, from the Back: Maggie Gyllenhaal

Oh My God, What Has He Done to Himself? - Keanu Reeves

Perpetual Rose: Jane Seymour

Laughing Gas Funny: Helena Bonham Carter & Tim Burton

Car Wreck: Naomi Watts

Stunning from the Neck Down: Uma Thurman

Proudest Couple:  Felicity Huffman and Bill Macy

How to Ruin a Great Beauty: Keira Knightly

Sexiest Woman Alive: Catherine Keener

Darling Poppet: Amy Adams

Most Fantastic Improvement in a Dress: Meryl Streep

Best New Heart: Robert Altman

Oh-- and what was I wearing, sprawled on the couch? A silver lame number with impossible décolletage, my "Carmella Soprano" fur, diamond bunny necklace, a wiglet straight out of Valley of the Dolls, and matching Birkenstocks. What did you have on?