How to know when you're really ready to meet someone new...
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Our culture puts a lot of pressure on being partnered, but in an age where every conceivable human need can be searched for, packaged and delivered to your door, navigating life as a party of one is actually a perfectly livable state. Despite the common misconception that being single implies a state of lacking something essential, many people maintain their solo status intentionally, for a variety of reasons.
For instance, a person could:
- Prefer a more independent lifestyle
- Want time to recalibrate from a previous relationship
- Need recovery and time alone from stress or trauma
- Have many obligations and be feeling stretched thin
- Simply not feel a pressing need for companionship or devoted relationships
- Find bliss in solitude
These are all valid reasons to go it alone, and people experiencing them shouldn't feel pressure to "not be single." Different strokes for different folks.
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But what if you woke up one day, suddenly ready and willing to change your status from single to something else? With all the social pressures that many of us feel, it can be difficult to distinguish our own desires from the expectations of those around us. How can we know if we're really ready to meet someone?
Different people will have different answers to that question, but here are some guidelines to help you set yourself up for success when you're ready to take the plunge.
You set an intention of meeting someone.
There are a lot of things that Amazon will deliver for you, but their mail-order life partner service is still in beta, so this is going to take some effort. (Like...maybe even putting on pants and going outside type effort). And making a personal priority of meeting someone new also requires some presence of mind. If you're an introvert, this means intentionally conjuring some extraverted vibes. Easier said than done, but if you tell the people around you that you're ready for a change, and make an effort to follow up on opportunities to meet up with others, you're putting it out there into the universe that you're open to the surprises it has to offer you and challenging the universe to reciprocate.
You're ready to ditch your personal "horrors of dating" narratives.
As cathartic as it might feel to skewer your last horrible date on Facebook for sympathy, carrying that expectation of negativity with you into the next conversation with someone new is like bringing your own personal raincloud on a picnic. Nothing sets you up for disappointment more than thinking the next thing's going to be disappointing. No, I'm not saying you should fake positivity or conceal your injuries like a wounded soldier, but remember that connecting with others is about treating each other like individuals. Each human being that you meet is a new person; innocent of the last bozo's crimes until proven guilty.
You're willing to see yourself from another person's perspective.
It's easy to make a list of what you want from another person, but when was the last time you considered what you want to be to others? When you meet a person, what do you want their impression of you to be? Are you open-minded? Are you an engaged listener? Do you follow through once you've made a commitment? Are you able to commit in the first place? Each meeting with a new person is an opportunity to refine your ideal self, and when you feel like you're finally becoming the kind of person you want to be, you're going to be irresistible to the person who longs for that kind of person. Remember that personality is not a fixed thing. It takes a lifetime of practice in order to grow.
You're open to being as agenda-free as possible.
Meet-ups with people you'd consider dating are not job interviews. If you've got an agenda -- whether you're looking for a casual hook up or a parent for your children--it can be hard to see that other person for who they are and not just how they're rating on your invisible scorecard. If you have it in you, try to go into meetings out of genuine curiosity and a sense of discovery. Be flexible and responsive to what's happening in the moment, because that's really the essence of connection.
You're actually willing to give people a chance.
And maybe even a second chance because you know what? People can grow on you. Sure, you might harbor some fantasies about that PERFECT partner, but as Dan Savage puts it, "There is no settling down without some settling for." The world is half full of divorced people who thought their partner was perfect until they weren't, and the other half is full of blissfully partnered people who will tell you, "they weren't my type, but there was just something about them..."
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Being ready to meet someone means being ready to shed preconceived notions and open to the possibility of being taken by surprise. It means making an effort to put yourself into vulnerable situations and curbing negative expectations. But most of all, it means being ready to see someone else with honesty, generosity, and optimism -- just the way you'd like others to see you.