Less Monogamy, More Fun

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Dear Suzanne,

My wife is off to our house in the country and I'd love to have some sexual fun to relieve the usual stress. All I want is casual sex with a like-minded individual. You, for instance...

Dear Suzanne

How does one meet you? I am married and live in Spain, but that's not a problem...

Dear Suzanne

I wanted to ask you which is the best way to give a woman an orgasm. I also want to know if we could meet sometime...

Some writers receive fan mail. I get come-ons from married men whose sex lives have stalled.

That's because, as the author The Butcher, the Baker, the Candlestick Maker and The Not So Invisible Woman, two erotic memoirs that recount my sexual adventures, they know I like men. They also know that, unlike prostitutes, I give it away for free.
Men are my buddies, my friends, my handymen, my toys -- depending on their talents and whether I want them to stick around after the sex. That may sound unromantic, but at 45, I've learned that monogamy is just not for me, at least not at this point in my life.

Some readers do not approve, of course. "You're just like a prostitute," read one recent comment on my blog. Like a lot of people, he just doesn't get it -- probably in more ways than one. Prostitutes are short-term playmates paid to bring about someone else's fantasy. When they're not simply satisfying the urges of the undersexed.

I make my own fantasies happen.

It's too bad that so many people, particularly those who aren't in a relationship and want to be, do not like hearing the truth. The truth is this: I get lots of dates. I have lots of sex. I don't want monogamy.

What I have in common with prostitutes is this: I use my body to give men pleasure. And I do it because men give me pleasure in return. I tell my readers what I tell my lovers: "Be honest. Share your fantasies. Talk about your desires." My sense is that most people don't do this.

One upside of the recent scandals involving politicians and prostitutes is that it finally got people talking. But if the words of my critics are an accurate gauge, much of the talk was probably steeped in hostile judgment. From resentful girlfriends to moralistic book reviewers, I have learned that my contentment puzzles and even threatens a lot of people.

This may be because women are socialized to desire monogamy. Men, meanwhile, learn to accept, or at least profess, monogamy because they have to. But whether it's nature or nurture that makes monogamy life's bulls-eye for most people, my target is pleasure -- shared with fun-loving people, liberated, randy, and male. When it comes to relationships, I opt for the plural over the singular, the now over the forever. When I want an orgasm, it's just a phone call away.

I have lots of phone numbers in my little black book, and it's not because I give it away for free. It's because I enjoy sex, I know what I like and don't like, I communicate my desires. And I allow men to communicate theirs. Too bad sex seems to be something that a lot of couples can't discuss, even behind the proverbial closed doors. Their fate is as tragic as it is typical. One day the gap between fantasy and monotony becomes too great, and the couple find themselves living in the no-sex zone. That's when men (and increasingly women) go to prostitutes and share their desires with a stranger instead of the person they are closest to. Soon enough, the person formerly "closest to" drifts off.

I got divorced five years ago, at 40, and like so many middle-aged divorcees, I spent a lot of time searching for another man. I tried internet dating, the bars and clubs, the dinner party circuit. I hoped to meet "someone special" but really was just looking for a replacement. It wasn't much fun, the hunt. Eventually I realized it wasn't any particular man that I needed, but rather a certain kind of fun.

Today, I'm getting plenty of it. I've learned to separate my sexual desires from my need for emotional fulfillment. I've also learned about my own body and learned to communicate my likes and dislikes. The payoff, besides a fulfilling sex life, is a number of deep friendships with men. Many of my guys tell me I've got a real grasp of the male psyche. That's no cheap compliment. Knowing they're not my one and only, men find it easier to share their own likes and dislikes in bed.

"Why aren't there more women like you around?" I hear that question surprisingly frequently. Perhaps it's because I'm a dream date. In this sense, maybe I am a bit like a prostitute -- the woman with whom a man can share his sexual fantasies without being judged, the woman who doesn't expect a follow-up call. Yet men do tend to call back -- because I'm their party girl. And, in every sense of the word, I'm free.