Huffpost Comedy
THE BLOG

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Sybil Adelman Sage Headshot

Maybe a threesome is not such a bad idea?

Posted: Updated:
Print

I've never understood threesomes, picturing too many arms and other body parts called into play at the same time, like an overloaded electrical outlet that could, without warning, combust. Can three people be intimate? Doesn't it create that same, "Sorry, you go ahead" awkwardness of a conference call? And who calls whom the next morning? Or was that how the conference call originated?

I am, however, starting to see why a couple might enlist a third person, not to join in the activities, but to serve as a concierge. The responsibilities would vary, depending on the age and needs of the couple. Think of it as sexual assisted living.

During the hormone-driven, teen years, this person would provide condoms and serve as the designated driver if one or both are in no condition to drive. Insurance companies might reduce premiums for those with this risk-reducing threesome in place.

Ages 20-40: The "sextra" is to suggest different positions to add variety, charge batteries for sexual aids and keep any offspring away from the bedroom. A couple engaged in adultery could have their own third person to keep an eye out for suspicious spouses, detectives and tabloid reporters, and in the case of married politicians, to draft the public apology.

Ages 35-50: For those getting a later start on having kids and facing fertility problems, the additional person monitors basal temperature, prodding the couple to have sex at optimal moments and TIVO-ing "The Daily Show" if they have to miss it.

Ages 60 & up: This is when the helper maintains the supply of Cialis and lubricants and remains in the ready position to run in with kneading hands upon hearing a loud cry indicating a Lipitor-induced leg cramp. If one of the team has suffered a hearing loss, the "sex-asst." (as the listing would appear on craigslist) is positioned during all activities to be visible to both partners and communicate, "Faster" and "Don't stop" in sign language.