Dear President Obama:
Be sure to return in time from your "make nice with everyone" tour to catch me on Animal Planet, explaining why it was a mistake to get a Portuguese Water Dog, known to be prone to hip dysplasia, as a family pet when you could have gotten a Bichon (also hypoallergenic), bred to get along with children and other animals. And before you go to New York again for a date night, watch me with Anthony Bourdain on the Travel Channel's No Reservations telling you to go to Balthazar for their steak au poivre done with a red wine reduction (I recommend medium/rare) and to Babbo for the Brasato al Barolo, both far superior to anything you had at Blue Hill.
Happy to help,
Dear Serena Williams:
Who better to tell you there's nothing shameful about being Number 2? You and I both have aggressive styles and know how to intimidate an opponent. I'm sure you're as proud of your ground strokes as I am of my ground forces. Tune into House Call with Sanjay Gupta to hear me remind you that it's important to hydrate, hydrate, hydrate. But stop before it creates the sensation of drowning. And take it from me, even if someone else has the title, you don't have to go away quietly. Yours is the voice of experience and needs to be heard everywhere. Family -- wives, daughters and sisters - can be useful. Venus, with such a powerful offensive, would be great on Morning Joe, sticking up for you and taking 120 mph slams at the current players.
Dear Frank Gehry:
Try not to miss me on 60 Minutes to learn that your buildings are starting to look like, well, "just one more of those functionless forms." The preposterously shaped structures may be okay tucked away on the Bard campus or in Bilbao, but the one on New York's West Side Highway looks like the window washers walked off the job. During DEFCON 3, I worried if something were to take down The White House -- and I'd like to point out that it didn't because on our watch, we kept America safe - I could end up in a bunker below one of your wussy, Deconstruction style buildings, ironically enough known as DeCon architecture. Take it from me, Frank, get back to the drawing board. Any way you can get an animated me on The Simpsons?
Here to help,
Dear Will Shortz:
Tune in to NPR's Weekend Edition for my pointers on editing the New York Times crossword puzzle. The paper has been accused of having a liberal bias, but I may be the first to point a finger at the puzzle. An example: for the word, "magazine," the sort of clue you're likely to give is, "vogue in a hair salon." Guys like Rumsfeld and me would do better with the clue, "home for a slug." If you want to toughen up a Saturday puzzle, my suggestion is giving the clue: "not a union buster." Trust me, nobody will get that the answer is "Cheney," except maybe Mary.
Here to help,
Dick (I'll let you come up with a clue for that)