Hello, and welcome back to "Demonic Possession Is a Real Thing" Part 3. The palpable hatred in No. 1 led to the blood bath in No. 2, so at this point, we're basically kicking an extremely dead (but still sparkly) horse. Seriously, the ladies look so drained that they're probably being pumped full of a Botox 'n' cocaine cocktail during commercials. Melissa's crumbling under the weight of her funeral home makeup and Teresa's only got enough strength to paint on four layers of chest grease.
Andy opens by replaying Caroline's "bold" prediction about Teresa and Joe's marriage: It will fail and Joe will head to jail without passing go, getting $200 or making a collect call to his latest mistress.
Since the world has been waiting with breath that is baited, Andy asks about Joe's legal issues. He can't discuss much, but Teresa brushes it all off. There's no way he'd go to the DMV with his brother's ID and try to get a fake license while his was revoked, you crazy cats. Jacqueline reminds him that her husband advised against that, and Teresa is suddenly moved to quote her favorite book: "Oh my god, freaking 'Hekyll and Jyde!"' she screeches.
When we return from a commercial break, the husbands have joined us ... minus Mr. Caroline Manzo who is actually working for a check not signed by Bravo. Joe Gorga hasn't seen his sister or brother-in-law in about a year, so you can slice the tension with a knife. Quick, someone cut to a montage of Joe and Joe showing each other their private parts during happier days! Sadly, the compilation of RV molestation turns to screaming, and everyone's smiles vanish faster than you can say, "Isn't it funny to pretend a salami is your penis?"
Joe Gorga explains that their feud started decades ago, when he "succeeded in life." Then, Joe Giudice is like NO that's NOT IT, and he's forced to bring up the damned tools again. No, I'm not talking about his kids. I'm talking a "$3,000 jumping jack that tamps things down" that Joe Gorga had the audacity to steal so that Joe Giudice could no longer ram or pack a blast hole.
Much as Andy likes to discuss a tightly packed hole, he decides to move on. "What's with you and being naked?" he asks Joe Gorga with a glimmer in his eye. "When you got it, you gotta show it!" Joe replies with a wink.
Now that viewers are gagging, it's time to graduate to full on dry heave. Andy asks Rich "the Lebanese Jeff Goldblum" Wakilie if he felt all his inappropriate comments were awkward for his kids to watch. "Well," Rich replies, "My erection is a natural thing. My kids reacted to it and I told 'em that's how you guys came into this world." Note to therapists everywhere: Call the Wakilie kids and ask 'em about their repressed memories! You'll make a fortune!
Conversation turns back to Joe and Teresa's broken relationship, and Teresa notes that it was "the wife" (a.k.a. Melissa) who tore them apart. "Yeah, how you treated me! He wants you to respect his wife. Tthat's what he wants," Melissa shoots back. Joe Giudice finally jumps in, asking Joe Gorga how he really met Melissa. Must be a sensitive topic, 'cause Joe Gorga almost launches his small body out of his chair. "I laugh at you everyday, brother. Ya bum." ( It's the other "B" word.)
Then, one irritating, highly-medicated voice breaks through the cacophony of insults. Something has invigorated Jacqueline, and she's shouting freely. Apparently, Joe Giudice was spreading the rumor that she and her hubby met in Vegas, while she was allegedly stripping. "We met in Chicago at a trade show," Mr. Jacqueline clarifies. "I don't know, I guess I heard different," Joe sighs. He's so over this that it looks like his face is melting off in a desperate attempt to leave the stage. "I never said she was a stripper. He never came out and said stripper. He met her, I think he was engaged, he was fooling around with Jacqueline and he got caught ..." Joe bumbles. As it becomes apparent that perhaps Teresa put this notion in his head, she jumps in and readjusts where the finger is pointed. "Caroline, you told me she was a stripper!" she says with a flourish. Girlfriend's obviously sick of this life 'cause she just jumped on the Ginger Express to ultra violent death town.
Hilariously, Joe Gorga jumps in and asks, "What's so wrong with a stripper?" It's a perfect segue for Andy to mention how Joe Gorga was actually a dancer 'of the Chippendale variety'." Joe breaks into a huge grin and says, "Yes, I was! I did it for a year and made some money! I had a g-string and it looked like it was an elephant!" I don't fully understand that last comment, but I'm pretty sure I won't be watching "Dumbo" like, ever again.
As everyone laughs and jokes, Andy realizes that he must put an end to their joy and happiness, STAT. He asks Joe Gorga how it felt to watch his sister get called a "c---" on the Napa episode. "Normally he deserves a baseball bat to the head. Normally. But the past few years, I've been lost, and I looked at the TV and I just didn't feel anything," Joe Gorga says sadly. As everyone jumps in to talk at once, it's Rich Wakilie's two cents that break Joe Giudice relatively reserved demeanor. Their basement fight is suddenly the topic of conversation, and Joe Giudice says that Rich was lucky he got out of it alive. Andy pulls a Martha Raddatz and moderates away before more punches can be thrown.
Shockingly, the next topic of conversation is Strippergate. "You called my wife a stripper -- your own father told me," Joe Gorga spits. Teresa freezes, totally unsure what to do in the face of that truth. Joe says she should have distanced herself from Kim D. and the fashion show, and Melissa cuts in: "left? She was in on it!" With that, we se a flashback of the night that friendships died, a.k.a. the Posche fashion show. Back at the reunion, Joe Gorga is trying desperately to get through to whatever scrap of Teresa is still under that mind-boggling head of hair. "I picked the perfect wife for me. She is amazing in my book. You gotta stop this, Teresa. If you stop, we can be maybe a family."
Unable to apologize, Teresa reaches into her cache of canned responses and pulls out, "You're breaking mommy and daddy's heart." Joe Gorga literally cannot believe his ears. "You took my parents away from me," he shouts, choking on sobs. "My kids don't even have grandparents anymore!" With that, Joe Gorga and Joe Giudice start shouting expletives and Teresa is reduced to high-pitched squeals. "He believes that we'd take mommy and daddy away from him? Andy, we NEVER talk about him," Teresa cries. "Yes, you do!" Jacqueline shouts -- and with that, Satan's fury propels Teresa off the couch. She unhinges her jaw and does that thing you sometimes see in horror movies where the person opens their mouth and a whole mess of bats and crazy fly out. After regaining her composure, she kindly asks Jacqueline to kiss her "titties." She is truly the "before" photo of someone in need of an exorcism.
Speaking of pure evil, look who the producers dug up! No, I mean they literally unearthed Kim D. from the underground lair she sleeps in when the sun's out. Andy demands the truth about that insane night, including Teresa's involvement. "She did not know that this man was going to mention anything about Melissa's past," Kim D. says. Jacqueline jumps in, asking if Teresa knew that something was going to happen to Melissa without trying to stop it.
Before Kim D. can answer, Joe Gorga interrupts with an apology out of left field. "You're doing someone's dirty work," he says. A few kind words are enough to make Kim D. crack like an unloved kid who just got a pat on the head, and she admits that Melissa "promoted another place that had the same spelling as me, and I was annoyed. People at the salon said, 'Oh by the way, my friends owned a club and Melissa used to work there.' Bingo! Sorry, I'm a little revengeful. I asked Teresa to come to the salon with me. She doesn't question why."
"We can agree it definitely was a set up," Melissa says with a flourish. "I wouldn't say it was a set up," Kim D. drawls, "I would say it was convenient."
Lesson No. 1 of 'RHONJ': The dumber a person looks, the better they will be at hatching evil plans. Now, Kim D. has two glazed over, slightly lazy eyes and a muppet mouth ... so you know that bitch is a freaking Rhodes Scholar.
Caroline, on the other hand, looks relatively smart -- so the fact that she's been quiet all night means that when she decides to speak, it'll be epic. First, she looks sympathetically at Kim D. She tells her she enjoys her. This is girl code for "I am about to ruin you." Then, she asks Kim D. about the end of the fashion show. "Do you remember what you told us?" Kim D. does not, because she has the memory of a fruit fly on Quaaludes. "You told us that Teresa knew." Kim D.'s nervous, but manages to say that Teresa knew something was going to go down, and that Melissa was the obvious target. As everyone shouts "ah-ha," Kim D. reminds us that EVERYONE (except Melissa and Kathy) knew something was up -- especially Jacqueline, who you may recall was getting mystery texts all night.
Jacqueline refuses to reveal her source, saying only that it's someone she and Teresa still hang out with. (Inside scoop: Many speculate that it was truly the show's executive producer, who notoriously hates Teresa.)
As the wild antics start up again, Joe Giudice leans over Teresa and gives her a smooch on the lips. "Can we just end this and go have dinner? Please?" he says. It'd be a cute moment if I wasn't convinced that he'll probably try to sleep with the coat check girl and the waitress. Still, I'm always down with eating my feelings, so I support his proposition.
Andy sums it all up: "Kim D., it sounds like you knew what was going to go down. Teresa knew something was going to go down involving Melissa." Teresa goes back to brain-exploding screaming mode, yelling "I NEVER SAID YOU WERE A STRIPPER" so violently that her face turns bright red and her hairline rattles. "You're done with me and you're done with my children," Melissa says, staring directly into Teresa's tiny eyes. "You're so contrived. You learned a lot in that strip club," Teresa spits back, proud to use her new two-syllable "C" word. Still, even at the height of her anger, she can't bring herself to say cruel things to her brother. Through tears she says she loves him and his babies --- and though it's easy to hate Teresa, it's hard not to feel for her. Her failings will keep her from her family, and that is a self-inflicted punishment that hurts worse than anything yelled during this circus.
By the time the show has wound down, Andy has lost his hearing, Teresa's lost her voice ... and a half-pound of bronzing glitter that's all over Andy's suit. Everyone is totally depleted ... except for Caroline, who's still raring to drop some more Manzo wisdom.
Ahem: "I learned from Season 4 that I don't like who Caroline was because of what this became. I would bet that each one of us, as we watch this reunion, won't be too proud of ourselves. But with family, the only way to heal is to tell the truth. I am admitting that my sister and I have problems. I love my sister dearly. And when there's love, there's hope."
... And sometimes, there's also attempted murder during a three-part reunion special.
Goodnight, and may God have mercy on your souls.