Note: The following contains spoilers if you have not seen Season 2, Episode 6 of "Teen Mom 2," entitled "Lean on Me."
Well friends, Santa has left the building.
Last week's Christmas episode found our gals doing relatively well ... except Jenelle, who is always about as happy as the twist-y possessed lady from "The Devil Inside" commercials.
But lest we begin to feel any semblance of happiness, the contents of diapers hit the fan during this double episode -- and we're reminded, once more, that all true "Teen Mom 2" fans are masochists.
Jenelle
Update: Since this episode of "Teen Mom 2" aired, it was reported that Jenelle was arrested on Tues., Jan. 10, for allegedly making harassing phone calls and threatening an unidentified person.
Teen monster Jenelle gets the text most girls dream about when they're dating deadbeat guys:
"Hey baby, just got bailed out of jail by my cousin! Let's meet up! I miss you." (Kieffer, we didn't take you for an exclamation point man!)
They decide to meet at Oxymoron Central, a.k.a. Planet Fun. Bahbrah wonders why her daughter's going to see the dude she pressed charges against, but young love cannot be explained. It's like Romeo and Juliet, if they were both degenerate pot heads. Jenelle is convinced jail time did Kieffer a world of good, and she knows they're in luuuurve again. "It's not like you beat me," Jenelle explains. "You just shoved me out of the way."
Now that they've patched up their relationship, it's time to focus on the looming hurdle: their legal issues. If Jenelle doesn't stay clean for her probationary hearing, or if it doesn't go well, she's facing up to 240 days in prison. Kieffer is, as Bahbrah aptly puts it, probably "dahn" (translation: done) any way you slice it because he has several priors. Bahbrah sends Jenelle off to face the music alone.
Let's take a quick moment to go over "Bahbrah's Guide to Court," shall we?
1) Don't lie about smoking the weed.
2) Don't put your glasses on your head.
3) Don't talk.
But the legal gods are smiling on Jenelle and Kieffer. When they get to court, it's closed, giving them time to "clean [themselves] up." And just when things are kind of decent, Kieffer sees a text conversation Jenelle is having with her ex. She apparently slammed that creature while Kieffer was in the slammer, and he's outraged. He's a homeless, jobless semi-criminal who just wants to be loved and he won't stand for this crap! So after a lot of crying and shouting and nonsensical ranting (and Kieffer talked a little too), he kicked her to the curb.
... Which was actually easy, since she ran after the car he was in and she was pretty close to it in the first place.
Leah
It's a tense time in the Simms' household, and Leah decides to bring home a surprise for her girls: a cat! Corey -- a walking foreign film who needs subtitles -- mumbles, "Wahhlah Dunwantoo," which translates loosely to "No." But he's easily convinced when Leah reminds him of the long week of Ali-doctors they face. [Note: Since we never see that little cat again, I'm going to go ahead and assume Corey shot it ... and ate it.]
So begins a roller coaster of brief highs and crushing lows. A physical therapist comes over to further assess why Ali isn't mobile like her sister, and the outcome is tentatively positive: there's nothing "structurally" wrong with her, but she is a "passive, chill baby" who will need splints to stabilize her ankles. In layman's terms, she'll probably like Jack Johnson when she's older, and she'll probably be able to walk. Egg McMumbles laments that his sweet girl is "gonna have splints and glasses," but it's a bright moment. Still, Leah aches for someone to say these magic words: "Your daughter will be totally fine."
Unfortunately, the baby elephant is still in the room ... what is wrong with Ali? It'll be four long weeks before anything can be confirmed, but the geneticist fears she may have a disorder called Campomelic Dysplasia which affects skeletal development and the reproductive system. Leah googles herself into a panic, and it's easy to see why -- most posts end with the words "life threatening." As Leah breaks down, Corey basically goes comatose. Watching the toll a sick child takes on both parents, a new light is cast on the couple: Did their marriage ever stand a chance in the face of all this trauma? Could any marriage, no matter the age?
... And then, the phone rings. Finally, it's that darn geneticist who's been taking her sweet arse time. Luckily, tests ruled out any serious health problems. While it's not a complete explanation, it's a major relief. Aleeah, joyfully taking a page out of her dad's book, put it best: "Waaaooaah!!!!"
Chelsea
Chelsea is ready for some big changes -- namely a new hair color and a new place to call home, in that order. So she heads to her local hair torture chamber and asks for her locks to be beaten into submission and then dyed blond. Her dad reminds her that there's one other thing she should update in her life, and he's obviously not talking about her eyebrows. (Although girlfriend may want to get on that.)
Speaking of updates, Chelsea's former roomie and good pal Megan drops a bombshell of her own: She's pregnant. Chelsea seems as shocked as her limited vocabulary will allow, but Megan's creepily relaxed. Perhaps she's had more time to process, but it's really hard not to wonder if her "mistake" wasn't motivated by a desire to achieve the same sort of demented fame her friend found on "Teen Mom 2." Does she see herself carrying a baby ... or a potential paycheck?
Once Chelsea's recovered from that shock, it's time to go house hunting! She has some very important criteria: She doesn't want to "walk up a bunch of steps." She graciously agrees to get a job and help pay utilities if her seriously wonderful dad can front the rent. Fab Dad's down, under one condition -- no Adam Allowed. So Chelsea and Fab Dad head over to a "cute" two-bedroom townhouse and faster than you can say, "Matching leopard jackets," Chelsea is all set.
Now she just needs someone to help her move. Fab Dad agrees immediately while Adam hems and haws. He's really tired from work, and also from being a d-bag. Few people realize how much energy one must exert to reach Grand Master D-Bag levels.
Mr. Chelsea is working up a sweat helping Chelsea set up her leopard-skinning machines when Adam calls to say he's outside. Exit dad; enter Adam. He decides to help out by saying he refuses to help out. He does some important leaning-against-things and deep sighing before walking out in a huff, leaving Chelsea alone in an empty house.
Lesson No. 4,500: Never pick a d-bag over your dad.
Kailyn
The hits just keep comin' for Kailyn ... literally. First, she clashes a bit with Jo. Then, she wrecks her car. And just for good measure, one last round with Jo. But let's find out how this all came to blows.
Kailyn wants to throw Isaac a rockin' first birthday party, but she's basically broke from moving into her new apartment -- and to make matters worse, she doesn't have custody of Isaac on his actual birthday. Luckily, Jo relents and lets Kailyn take their tot for a few hours. Kailyn goes all out with presents and decorations and invites cousins Candy and Jen and their oddly identical children over to talk about cupcakes for a long time. Then, boyfriend Jordan comes over with some Hot-N-Ready pizza and everyone misses what seems like a nice opportunity to make some good sexual puns.
When she returns Isaac to Jo's house, she's confronted by his mom, Janet, who wants to discuss the letter Kailyn wrote her. Though Janet reminds her that, "Family is family; we stick together," she seems extremely cold. If Kailyn hoped the letter would be a quick fix, she hoped wrong.
Regarding the car, Kailyn really smashed it up something good, and her best bet is to scrap it. So, she calls a few junk yards (Note: She literally calls and says, "Hi. Is this a junk yard?") and finally sells it for $350. No car equals no independence, so Kailyn immediately has boyfriend Jordan drive her to a friend's dad's used car lot. A fine specimen named Rob helps her out, and soon she's back on the road to freedom.
But all the car drama drained what little Kailyn had left in her bank account, and she realizes she really needs child support. ("Baby, soap is like, $10 a bottle," Jordan reminds her.) She calls Jo and informs him of her decision, ending her voice mail with a very convincing, "Sorry." Something tells me she'll pay for that call long before he cuts a check.
"Teen Mom 2" airs Tuesdays at 10 p.m. EST on MTV
Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for the National Domestic Violence Hotline.