JENELLE
Before we get into this week's joyous episode, I must congratulate Jenelle on her second pregnancy! Last week, Jenelle's husband Cortland Rogers said: "Me and Jenelle are so happy that she's pregnant. She told me, 'I'm looking forward to a second chance.'"
See, when Jenelle wants to better herself, she doesn't try something foolish like community service or sobriety. She's so committed to redemption that she actually creates a NEW life, so there's one more person in the world she can attempt to impress. What kills me is that her "second chance" comes at the expense of a child who is now robbed of his first.
Albert Einstein said that 'insanity' is "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." By his definition, we're dealing with a crazy person. (But he doesn't have a $ in his name, so what does he know?)
Well, that's quite enough of my judgement. I know what you're thinking now, readers. "Hey, I didn't see much of a baby bump in those thrilling naked-on-a-park-bench photos that her ex-boss leaked last week." Unfortunately, those were taken before the government could try to forcibly sterilize her.
This will also be baby number TWO for Mr. Roger. He has a daughter, JaJa, though he does not have custody of her. Oh, YaYa ... this unborn baby is so beyond screwed, they need to invent a new word for screwed.
But I digress. Jenelle's very, very busy right now. Who can find time to sign up for school or see her child when there's a zebra blanket to place gently on a couch? I mean, have you seen what she's done with various mismatched furniture she probably pried out of a crackhead's hands? It's so Martha Stewart Jail Cell Collection.
She's not too busy to answer her phone though ... especially when the person on the other line is KIEFFUH! After spending 4 months in jail, he was released on unsupervised probation. In order to clear his charges in Jenelle's town, though, he'll need to come back, turn himself in and hit the slammah for 6-8 months.
Jenelle and Kieffuh's love is very complicated, so mere mortals cannot be expected to understand the passion that burns in their loins (and joints). Seeing him is very risky, as Jenelle's on probation too, but she's got that figured out. What that darn probation officer doesn't know till she watches this show and freaks out can't hurt her! Since nobody cares when Kieffuh will arrive, and since he'll be gone as fast as he came, Jenelle figures it'll be easy to keep him on the down low. "Is that going to be hard for you if you guys emotionally connect one day?," her roomie asks. "I hope that you're stronger now than you were then," she says worriedly.
Don't worry, roomie. Just 'cause Kieffuh totally derailed Jenelle's life every single time he came back doesn't mean it's a pattern that will be repeated again, probably within 2-3 commercial breaks.
... Hey there folks, we're back and I was right! Kieffuh came to visit and, according to the MTV montage, they spent two glorious days kissing and frequenting an arcade with a photo booth. Then their lovely time together ended, like all fairy tales do, with the Knight in Shining Hoodie turning himself in to the police.
Though the probation officer didn't catch Jenelle with her man, she did get wind of another violation. Just follow me here: Jenelle's roomie, Amber, has a boyfriend who is also on probation. During a random home visit, the probation officer realized that the boy toy was over and went nuts, saying she'd send both Amber and Jenelle to jail if she caught him there again.
Jenelle messaged Amber a very long, complicated note basically asking her to keep her beau away. Amber really didn't like that, and a vicious text fight ensued. Apparently that was all on the heels of an in-person scuffle ... and now Amber's moving out. You know what they say about special friends in Girl Scouts: "Make new friends and keep the old, one is silver and the other is probably gonna beat the crap out of you when she comes to get her stuff."
Since Jenelle's dead-behind-the-eyes friend Hannah is taking Amber's place, Jenelle can still afford to stay in the house. They decide that putting Amber's stuff on the front porch is a good way to make the leaving process easier. Sure, 'cause anyone who sees their beloved items thrown outside a house always responds in a fabulously positive way. That's like the international "I don't respect you and I'd like to terminate this friendship" sign. As they throw her possessions outside like trash, they almost eagerly anticipate the screaming match they feel will ensue. They make Amber out to be an unstable monster, but she never actually raises her voice. In fact, by the end of the episode, she practically has a halo. It's poor, discarded Amber I eventually felt bad for -- and it's a shame that Jenelle got rid of the first kind, even-tempered friend we've met.
They run upstairs and hide, watching Amber pack through the window slats. Later, when Amber comes by to empty out the nursery, Jenelle and Hannah eavesdrop. No actually, that's not the word for it, as "eavesdrop" implies that one does a decent job of sneakily listening to a conversation. In this case, they literally lie on the floor at the top of the stairs and chortle as Amber laments all that she has to pack. She says she needs her boyfriend to come by and help her, which presents the whole "His Presence Could Send Jenelle to Jail" thing. Jenelle informs Amber with a devilish grin that any one of her numerous male friends could come with a truck. "And I need my hoodie back that you're wearing," she calls vindictively.
With that, Amber starts to cry and walks outside. Jenelle forces her to disrobe in the front lawn as if this hoodie is her most favorite item of clothing ever. That's such crap: Everyone knows Jenelle's Pink sweatpants really hold that special, unwashed honor. (P.S. How did I not notice her cast until now? Anyone know what happened? My guess is that her wrist actually broke itself attempting to detach from her horrible body, but I'm no nurse.)
We've seen many bad sides of Jenelle, but this downright cruel one is potentially the most disgusting. It was getting easy to actually feel bad for Jenelle; I mean, who would choose to have her life? But the way she treated a seemingly kind friend is a reminder that she's not always the victim she makes herself out to be.
KAILYN
Because Kailyn always puts her son first, she's decided that moving him away from his father isn't the best choice. That means bye bye Texas, hello new apartment in Whitehall. It's 20 minutes away, which is a much more appealing commute for Jo than a plane.
Since Isaac's with his dad, Kailyn goes to blow off some steam at Jordan Bowling Alley. Geesh, just when she thought she'd be away from her ex's balls ...
Though there's a whole group of young people (sorry, my grandpa apparently jumped in here to type those last two words), Kailyn's drawn to Javi. He -- and the angry face on his t-shirt -- seems to only have eyes for Kailyn. It's actually quite cute to see her get flustered under his gaze. Her life is hardly easy, and getting to actually act her age is a really welcome change.
Later, she heads to check out a new house with friends Tiffany and Large Mark. Large Mark is the best, because his sole comment about the home is that they can "have a fish fry up in here." Oddly enough, that's what totally swayed me when I was deciding between two apartments myself. You're truly just not living your life if you're not hangin' with a cod. The upstairs looks nice too, save for the one room that's half-painted red and looks like somewhere Hugh Hefner's illegitimate brother might enjoy.
Since she got approved, Kailyn's celebrating by meeting Gigi at The Burger Shack. (The fun thing about "Teen Mom 2" is that it actually may be a real, live shack.) Though it's exciting to live somewhere new, Kailyn can't deny the flood of negative emotions the change brings: The last time she made a move, her mom practically packed her stuff and kicked her to the curb. "We're going to need man power," Gigi says -- which brings up the topic of Javi.
"He's really good looking," Kailyn blushes. "He looks small but he's a BIG guy," Gigi says with what is either a wink or a facial tic. That's kinda confusing ... has Gigi actually seen Javi's, uh, balls and pin? She suggests that Kailyn invite him to help her move, since that's an extremely fun way to get to know someone, especially for the someone who is hauling boxes up stairs all day. I've decided that Gigi gives the worst advice/is generally weird and I'm ready for Large Mark to come back into my life and bread something.
True to her word, Freaky Gigi does get Javi and his cousin to come help. Though i didn't see Large Mark doing any manual labor, he does appear toward the end of the day ... just in time for some delicious pizza.
When Jo stops by for baby drop-off, he gets a chance to survey the new place. Little Isaac's a real estate agent's dream, joyfully screaming "HOUSE!" the moment he enters. Meanwhile, poor Kailyn expresses a fear that their son will prefer to be with Jo. While her home is bursting with love, his is full of family -- and that's just not something she's got within her reach.
Spoiler Alert: Kailyn will eventually marry Javi, disproving my whole "moving = bad second date" theory. Single ladies, take note ... and get some packing tape.
CHELSEA
Chelsea's still upset that a vicious beast murdered her sweet little Frankie ... but the pain's faded a bit since her mom bought her a new dog. Seriously, their endless access to tiny creatures makes me wonder if they live down the street from a puppy mill. But Frankie Part II aside, Chelsea's still unhappy in her home and hoping to move. "We need a fenced yard for our puppies," she says, adding " ... and for our baby Aubree" as a side note.
When Chelsea's dad walks in, he calls Frankie Part II "just as ugly as the old one," and then snuggles the living daylights out of it. (Ahem. All I'm gonna say here is that I hope Chelsea's dad felt empowered by Jodi Foster's speech at the Golden Globes and will someday reveal himself to us. That's all.) He agrees to co-sign a new place ... as long as Adam doesn't live there. "I can't help but think that if he was there, we'd be a real family," Chelsea cries. Dad reminds her that Adam's version of "family" is cheating and generally torturing those around him, and Chelsea eventually has to agree. Luckily, milkshakes have never let her down, so she focuses her attention on the extra-jumbo one in front of her. Aubree straight up attempts to climb into her cup, which I approve of.
When Chelsea goes to check out homes, she's hoping for three things: 1) A big backyard 2) A fence 3) A next-door dog that doesn't list "Eating puppy flesh" as an interest on Facebook.
She adores the first place, which boasts all of the above, plus a fire pit where -- let's face it -- one of her pets is definitely going to meet its maker eventually.
Chelsea is about 99.9% sure she will be approved, but that's not even the most exciting update of the episode. I am happy to report that Aubree went "pee-pee in the potta-y." See, when one door closes, another one really does open -- and sometimes, there's a small child urinating behind it!
A few days later, Chelsea gets the official call while putting her makeup on: She's got her new spot, if dad likes what he sees. Oh, and speaking of spots, can we briefly discuss what's happening on her face? That is some other-level stress acne, girl. But I too fear the wrath of the skin gods, so I'll cut the cruelty short here and just suggest that if you truly aren't born with it, Maybelline and a power washer can be a helpful combo. ("Baby, you finally showed some sensitivity," boyfriend noted when I read this part aloud.)
Chelsea and her dad head over to the new home to meet foxy real estate agent Linda. (True to form, Chelsea's dad doesn't seem to notice ... no judgement, just love.) Chelsea gets the keys, shouts "I'm a big girl!" and looks happier than she has this whole season. It's a nice bright moment after plenty of bleak days, and we should all send her our positive thoughts, support and Proactive samples.
LEAH
Since Leah's moving day is upon her, she decides it's time to come totally clean to Cory. She lets him know that she's moving closer to Ali's appointments in Charleston ... and that she'll have a special man guest once a week. Leah must be nervous 'cause she's chewing on her nails like it's a challenge in the 'Hunger Games.' Cory's initial shock gives way to some weird joking about how hilarious it is that Leah plans to wash Jeremy's laundry. "If you're happy, I'm happy," he eventually concedes. It's a very grown-up call, but Leah feels like she's been cut down to size. I wonder, actually, if she hoped Cory would make one last play for her heart. She seems rather disappointed that he's not putting up a fight, and has finally resigned herself to the fact that Cory is no longer a romantic option.
After all her stuff has been moved, she and Jeremy say goodbye to her old life and smooch on her front crude-pieces-of-wood-resembling-a-tiny-porch. It's off to bigger, better, and not on wheels things!
With their new pad all settled, the happy family (Aleeah, Ali, Jeremy and Leah) head out for some dinner. Leah struggles to pronounce "Provolone" and then laments her failures as a mom of late. She feels she needs a break from school to focus on Ali and her rehabilitation efforts. Though she's got a new man and a new place, it does feel like her life's rather static. Without an education under her belt, she can't go on to bigger and better things -- and at the end of the day, that will do her daughters the most good. Well, that and ordering some of those delicious Provolone cheese steaks!
Despite the protests of her adviser, Leah does end up dropping all her classes ... and since she's got a ton of prep for the girls' 2nd birthday party (she and Cory are throwing separate bashes), there's no time to look back. Plus, she's decided to buy them toy Jeeps that have about 50 bazillion parts, and that's not even counting the stickers. Leah's overjoyed to have Jeremy's assistance, noting that in the olden days, Cory would have just "set" on the couch and watched her sweat. It was sorta like his "Teen Dad" version of porn, I guess.
After tons of prep, Leah throws a darn good party, complete with two chocolate cakes, which Jeremy promptly mashes into her face. It's a mess, but one that Leah won't mind cleaning up later. After all, Jeremy's the kinda boyfriend who helps out -- and that makes everything taste sweet.
"Teen Mom" airs Mondays at 10 p.m. EST on MTV.