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Sydney Levin


'Teen Mom 2' Recap: Put A (Really Awful) Ring On It

Posted: 04/02/2013 12:50 am

With Gary at the marine base during the week, Jenelle has nothing to do but sit around in the last beanbag chair in the United States and text him. She tells her roomie that she could see herself marrying him someday, and quickly notes that it's not "because he's in the military, and not because he'll get more money." Oh, it's probably because he's kind and generous, right? Nope again. It's because he disciplines her kid, which is a total turn-on. You can read about it further in Jenelle's favorite book on tape, "50 Shades of Babysitting." And then, just to prove that she's super into him for HIM and not because he's like, there, she adds "I don't want to find another guy and start a relationship again. I'd rather just have Gary." Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what Juliet said to a fair maiden friend when trying to explain her great love, too. "It's soooo much easier to hang with Romeo, you know? The bar scene in Verona doth suck."

When Gary returns, he and Jenelle bring Jace to some sort of pirate convention. It seems very fun in the way that glorifying criminal violence at sea is. I'm going to guess Jenelle was drawn by the promise of a "bottle of rum."

After dropping Jace off, Gary and Jenelle snuggle back at home. It's strange and sweet to see Jenelle showing affection to another human, since she rarely puts her hands on people she's not trying to maul to within an inch of their lives. Mid-cuddle, Gary sort of gets on one knee and proposes. He pulls out a ring that's about 400 times less fancy than the 50 he has on his own fingers, but Jenelle doesn't mind that he went to Jared's step-brother's close friend's kindergarten teacher's jewelry store. "Simple and to the point," she says happily as she lays in bed, admiring whatever is between two and three steps down from Cubic Zirconia.

Jenelle's roomie (who asked her about 4 hours ago not to jump into an engagement) isn't too impressed. However, she does come up with a great little ditty which I hope Bahhbrahh will sing at the wedding: "Here comes the bride, boobies big inside." It rhymes and is anatomically correct, which is impressive, but I went above and beyond and crafted a haiku. Ahem.

Let's hope your marriage/Doesn't explode and shoot silicone out/That's not attractive.

When Jenelle calls Bahhbrahh, she notes that the proposal wasn't "anything special." Because I'm not entirely sure Bahhbrahh listens to much of anything, she says it all sounds "pretty romantic." Uhm, Jenelle was laying in her bed, which is on the floor. He didn't get down on one knee so much as he shifted and faced her, which is usually a given in most conversations with two people.

Bahhbrahh also reminds her that they "fight terrible," which is sometimes a bad foundation upon which to begin a marriage and, in many cultures, is considered a warning sign. Still, Gary doesn't believe in anything he wouldn't also wear -- and like the "YOLO" statement emblazoned on his shirt, he's living life in the most extreme way possible: around Jenelle.

Since Leah and Jeremy are having trouble getting a loan as an unmarried couple, they decide to speed things up by doing a courthouse ceremony before their actual wedding. She tells her mom, and the response is lukewarm. Leah reminds her that this time she didn't feel the need to cheat on the groom, and she's taking that as a very positive sign. (Before she tied the knot with Corey, you recall, she was practicing "to have and to hold" alllll around town.) It's a pretty convincing argument, and her mom agrees to be a witness.

A day before they decide to get hitched, Leah gives Corey a courtesy call. She mentions that Jeremy will be a father figure when Corey's "not around," and Corey takes umbrage at her words. I truly don't think she meant to hurt him, and I also don't believe that his issue has anything to do with parenting, or the girls. Corey let Leah go last month, but probably still felt they had the possibility of another sequel. These impending nuptials are proof that the book really is closing ... and he knows he had a big hand in shutting it. At least that's what I think is going on. Perhaps he's just, as Leah put it, "getting crappy with her" because he's got some free time between packing a lip and letting his eyes do that weird thing where they dart around a lot.

At the courthouse ceremony, quite a motley crew has crept in to witness the joyful moment. There's Leah and Jeremy's parents, the babies, a large man in the back row picking his nose like he signed up for it on the registry ... you know, the typical fairy tale.

With two children and a wedding under her belt, Leah knows the jig is up. She's forgone the typical white look for a short dress in a "haven't been pure since 2009" blue. Her hair's prettily curled, but her eye makeup's sweating like Whitney Houston before the bath. Black liner has escaped her lids and is honeymooning on a location nearby, and her lashes are drag queen certified. Every super long lash looks like it was placed with care by a post-op tranny named Jenny Talia. From a folding chair a few rows back, it's probably quite a good look ... but up close it's like the female version of Munch's 'The Scream.'

When Jeremy places the ring on her finger, we're treated to the cheap de résistance: Her long, shocking lizard-green nails. A French manicure might have been more demure, but who has time to go all the way to Europe, amiright?!

Jeremy tears up as he says his vows, and Leah gives a wicked nod as he repeats "till death do us part." I assume she meant to look charming, but her baby prostitute eyes are throwing me off. Also, there's just so much orthodontia happening in her mouth, it's hard not to lose yourself in what appears to be 3 different levels of teeth. Still, it's a special occasion, so let me say something kind: They both have truly impressive posture. While Leah may not be a stand-up girl, she's quite adept at standing up.

After a month apart, Adam is suddenly very invested in his daughter. He is also really into his new gal pal Taylor, and loves rubbing their relationship in Chelsea's face. Speaking of Chelsea's face, I've realized that her anxiety level is directly proportional to the amount of purple eye shadow she applies. Maybe she's born with it, or maybe her dad is Barney. It's hard to fault her for her manic application, though. When Chelsea innocently asks that Adam bring Aubree back, his reply is ominous with a dash of foreboding: "You won't have a choice soon." Since she's genuinely worried about his legal threats, Chelsea attempts to stay calm.

When he pulls up, she runs outside and squeals like she doesn't have a care in the world. Adam hands off the baby and a plastic bag full of god knows what. Chelsea doesn't get a glimpse of the girlfriend, but her pal Laura fills her in. "She had like, a ponytail ... and a headband." Ugh, a ponytail+headband combo is like the '00s version of a scrunchie. Unless there's a tiny sink in the back of that truck and she's washing her face, Ms. Ladyfriend must be AWFUL.

While Chelsea heads to her dad's to try and calm down, we flash over to Adam's world. He's having lunch with his girlfriend (who doesn't seem to have lips) and another friend (who seems to have singed her eyebrows off in what I assume was a meth cooking accident). That random old guy he sometimes hangs with is there too in all his bloated Elvis glory. Adam pretends to care about not seeing his daughter all that much, but it's worth noting that he seemed just as angry about not ordering the nachos.

Meanwhile, Chelsea is having some really intense emotions in the car with her friend. She feels so many things that she has to sometimes wear large plastic glasses that miraculously disappear every time MTV cuts between her and Laura. They make her look a little smarter, but mostly because she's not speaking when they're on.

"I hate my life," Chelsea laments to her dad before bursting into tears and relaying the horrible conversation she had with Adam. It all sounds meaner the second time around, and I'm too sad for Chelsea to make fun of her mascara-streaked face. Honestly though, why does she even bother with anything that's not waterproof? She's not exactly a stranger to sob fests. "I just want to feel 20," she sighs. "I feel old." Dad Randy tries to soothe her by saying that even though she doesn't have a boyfriend or love in her life or happiness, she still has school. Way to go, dad! There's nothing a down-in-the-mouth gal likes better than a reminder that she's going to probably die alone on the salon floor.

In a very symbolic moment, Kaily and Javi talk about merging their lives while Isaac attempts to put together a Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head. They, like Mrs. Potato Head who currently has an arm for eyes and a thick mustache, have had periods of confusion and ugliness. But at the end of the day, things always come together. Javi has been advised that joining the Air Force was the best "family oriented" job in the military, but Kailyn is concerned that his gig could result in endless moving. They decide he'll see a recruiter and they'll go from there. As the scene ends, Mrs. Potato Head has lost her eyes. I truly hope Mr. Potato Head feels that beauty is only peel deep.

After his recruiting session, Javi comes home bubbling with excitement. He's learned that if he passes the exam, the air force will send money and provide housing. However, if he and Kailyn got married, he could start getting paid during basic training and they could get full benefits. He could also bring them wherever he was deployed. If this were anyone else talking, I'd wonder if Kailyn was getting used -- but Javi doesn't seem to have a cruel bone in his body. Hell, he stayed with Kailyn after last week's smack down, and he adores her despite her obvious aversion to showering or skin care.

Kailyn's way into all this, but Javi is marrying two people ... and one of them has a custody agreement that doesn't mention living out of state. (Hint: It's the smallest person with the biggest chance of being a plastic surgeon convicted of malpractice.) Though Kailyn's glowing, she's still worried about jinxing everything. After all, it's not often that things go her way.

The next day, Javi prepares to head out for the test. If all goes well, he'll pass and stay overnight for a physical, etc. If he comes home within a few hours, then the only thing he'll be flying is a flag of shame. Thirty minutes later, the phone rings. It's Javi. His test has been postponed until next week. That means more time for him to study -- and a bit longer for them to plan a potential wedding. Javi, however, is all about a no-muss, no-fuss Vegas ceremony. As Kailyn hangs up, she doesn't look like a blushing bride to be. She seems confused, sad and lost. Is she unsure about Javi ... or still painfully sure that her heart secretly belongs to another?

Either way, it's probably for the best that they postpone as long as possible. We get a nice full-body shot as Kailyn's story ends, and let's just say she could use a bit longer on the wedding diet, like maybe however long it takes those nice people on "The Biggest Loser."

"Teen Mom 2" airs Mondays at 10 p.m. EST on MTV.

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