Note: The following contains spoilers if you have not seen Season 2, Episode 10 of "Teen Mom 2."
JENELLE:
Jenelle is aggravated because she has to get insanely dressed up in her good pink t-shirt for court. Also, the glare from her lawyer's silver surfer suit has burnt her retinas. But the hits keep on coming: Though Super Lawyer got two of her three charges dropped, Jenelle is on supervised probation now. She can't do drugs for a year! She could go to jail for 120 days! She's contributing nothing to society! But also, did you hear before when I said she can't smoke the weed?
Jenelle's pretty blunt (heh) about how this makes her feel. If she can't light up when she marijuwants to, she gets "anxiety-ridden" and can't continue to make her stellar contribution to society. Jenelle, there's one special word you must learn, and it starts with Xanax. It's drugs that people are glad you're on!
Not only does Jenelle need to stay away from illegal substances that have always been illegal, but she also can't fraternize with any humans who have pending charges or any convictions. That basically leaves ... Jace. And honestly, he seems pretty hooked on apple juice. It's one of the most dangerous gateway drugs.
Though the stuff Jenelle was busted with was Kieffer's, he's not facing probation at the moment because he wasn't present when the police raided the pad. It's all very complicated, and even though it seems like he got off OK, there's no way he's ever passing a background check. Still, he seems to feel pretty awful. He pledges to make the ultimate sacrifice: giving up the weed.
Jenelle's not impressed by this grand gesture. "After all I did," she sobs, "I get probation and not you!" Like, seriously, your honor! Pushing your boyfriend out of a moving car, almost running him over, trying to maul a former friend ... what more can a lady do to prove her innocence?
LEAH:
Leah lives in a world where people say, "Where was you last night?" and the answer is, "At my parents', looking for a new trailer." Since Corey's not helping her find a nicer place to live, she's taking matters into her own hands.
Speaking of Corey, he's being about as mean and unintelligible as ever. He spits out a lip full of chewing tobaccy and says, "That's how I feel about you." Her "hissy pissy" attitude is making him bonkers, and he demands that they end all talk of new trucks or homes.
Poor Leah seems just about at her breaking point. "Maybe he doesn't love me," she cries pitifully to a friend. "But screw my heart, screw everything about me. I don't care ... just treat my kids good." Though she probably couldn't pass an English class, she's got Parenting 101 down.
When her mom explains that she just found a great new place and they need to sign fast, Leah is torn. Is a better house truly a home if only 3/4 of the family goes?
She's terrified to ask Corey if he'll make this move with her. But she does, to which he replies: "I would rather see you live on a trailer in a lot if something would happen to us than in an apartment. But I'm probably not going to move with you." Of course, Leah doesn't know what that means, because Corey just says whatever words feel nice in his mouth.
As she calls her mom to say that she's ready to sign, Corey slips off his wedding ring and turns it over and over in his hands. Then, they both rub their faces a lot and Corey tries to live inside the couch. "Do you want to be with me or you don't?" Leah pleads. Corey says he hasn't decided yet ... but that decision says it all.
KAILYN:
Attorney Kate tells Kailyn that her child support appeal has been postponed. Kailyn's pretty psyched, because that means Jo's still paying the full amount for the time being. When she drops Isaac off with him, he mentions casually that his lawyer "needed more time." Then, his eyes narrow into slits and he does his super creepy lizard-with-a-secret look. Oh and one last thing, he says casually. Since their baby's around Kailyn's boyfriend so much, Jo would like to finally meet him.
Kailyn's a bit shocked, but she figures they'll kill two birds with one stone when Jo comes to see her apartment and her man friend for the first time. Maybe Jo really does have the best intentions, but something shady this way comes. A postponed trial, a sudden interest in new beau, constant references to the large role Jordan plays in Isaac's life ... something smells fishy, and it's not Kailyn's unwashed hair.
Though Kailyn's worried that her baby daddy will try to intimidate Jordan (even though Jordan physically looms over him), Jo is nice. He's very nice. He's kind of flirting, and Kailyn's playing into it! She's giving him grief about girlfriends while her poor boyfriend sits on a couch staring at a plastic truck. Sure, he's a big guy, but he's totally dwarfed by the weird sexual tension.
After Jo asks the all important question that all dads ask potential step-dads ("Are you a crack head?"), he seems satisfied. But as he sits back and surveys the scene, it's hard not to wonder whether he's seeing a potentially happy family ... or a great angle for court.
CHELSEA:
This week, Chelsea decided not to talk about Adam, to go back to her natural hair color, and to teach a course in quantum mechanics at the local college. JK! But she is trying to get active now that her emotional vampire of an ex isn't sucking the life out of her. She's working harder, studying for her GED again and obsessed with signing up for a March of Dimes walk that'll benefit premature babies. (Little Aubrey was born 5 weeks early.)
After listening to a spokesperson's totally subtle plug, Chelsea tells the Dimes lady that she can easily put a team together to raise $500. But since her mom and dad are out of town/are sort of her main friends, she's up shit's creek without anyone to pay for a new paddle. She heads over to her job at Skin Cancer Emporium to see if her very tan co-worker wants to help. JWoww's rural cousin is in and the store's big boss even pops over to donate $100!
To her credit, Chelsea doesn't even mention Count Dadcula until the night before the walk. Surrounded by her pals (who all have babies, save for one well-protected girl), she wonders why her ex "chooses cars and skanks" over a life with her and Aubree. Well ... probably 'cause, "Who pooped?" is the next thing out of your mouth, Chels.
When all's said and done, Chelsea raised $740 for a great cause. As she walks the mall, smiling for miles, she's literally making great strides. But let's face it ... personal growth aside, this is pretty much the most boring storyline ever. When the craziest moment of your week is a magician twisting up a cool balloon hat for you at a charity event, it's probably time to text your ex and liven things up.
"Teen Mom 2" airs Tuesdays at 10 p.m. EST on MTV
Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for the National Domestic Violence Hotline.