The Shrinkage Factor

Barack Obama may be the only male politician of any significance in the past, say, one thousand years who is faithful to his wife. Does anyone doubt Obama's fidelity? Now that it's near certain he will be the Democratic nominee, I've been trying to sort out why I don't think this is a good thing. It's not that I'm pro-infidelity, mind you. As a psychologist who has seen many couples torn to pieces over it, I know how corrosive betrayal is to a relationship. Yet, Obama's certain fidelity is somehow troubling me.

Now, to many of you on this site who have seen my postings before (and I want to thank you for the bodyguard I felt the need to hire), you know that I am a Hillary Clinton supporter. Perhaps I was more drawn to her to begin with because of her fierceness. It made me feel safe knowing there'd be this big, strong bear of a Mother in the House protecting her children at all times, ever vigilant and ever ready to do whatever it took to keep us out of harm's way. On the other hand, Obama's monotonic calm admittedly kind of scares me. Maybe because he looks kind of scared himself, especially in Hillary's presence. I'm not the first to comment on this. Maureen Dowd, an Obama-ite from early on, noted how he seemed to shrink (and, I would add, blink an awful lot) when forced to be in the same room with her. She may be over-doing the Rocky Balboa thing, but Obama's idea of getting into the ring seems to consist of trying to reason her out of the fight and the belief that if he just speaks quietly and soothingly to her, while putting a platonic, friendly hand on her shoulder, she'll settle down and leave the ring peaceably: in other words, if he's nice. Obama is a nice guy. And, as most any woman will tell you, "nice" guys finish last. And they finish last because, well, they just aren't very sexy. Power, for better or worse, is a turn on. I have no doubt that Obama wants to be President, which must mean that the guy wants power. And someone, most likely Axelrod, convinced Obama that the time to go for the gold was now — not in 8 years, but NOW. Obama bought into it and, I guess, the rest is history.

But Obama was not ready. Even though he will be the nominee, he, personally, was not ready. And maybe he never would be, come to think of it. Because what Obama seems to lack is what makes these powerful guys sexy: comfort with his aggression. He's just not comfortable with all that macho, aggressive, puffed-up-chest-capable-of-surviving-torture-ready-to-do-battle-if-necessary kind of thing. In fact, Dowd's characterization of him as a gazelle (to Clinton's lioness) and her affectionately nicknaming him Obambi implies that even she doesn't find him all that manly. Comparing her guy to a motherless baby deer must bring out Dowd's frustrated maternal longing, else why on earth would she want Bambi for President?

Which brings me back to Obama's irksome, wholesome, certain fidelity. It's actually not the fidelity that bothers me. I know that's a good thing. It's that shrinkage factor that has me worried. I think if it weren't for Axelrod, the Karl Rove of the Democratic Party, Obama may indeed be out there quietly making his case that nice guys really, really, really can finish first. And he'd have lost a long time ago. But Axelrod is no Obama. Axelrod knows and knew from the get-go that Obama had to at least try to appear like someone who could take a swing every now and then.

So now Obama is talking about "aggressive" diplomacy. I love it. It's brilliant, actually. He's found a way (or Axelrod has, I can't know for certain) to be comfortable with some type of aggression. He going to show us that he is not afraid to talk to anyone, even a big, bad bully like Ahmadinejad. I'm just worried that Ahmadinejad is going to pop out from behind the door as Obambi is entering the room and say, "Boo!"

P.S. I promise to support him anyway. He's going to need all the help he can get.

Comments

[Bullyness]

Mike Tyson for President!.... hmm, frighteningly sexy and prepared on day one to bite off the ear of any foreign dictator.

[DianeH]

You're truly not serious are you? If so, you need to find your own shrink. From a highly intelligent, highly educated older woman, Barack is definitely high on the sex appeal factor. But then some of us find attractiveness, intelligence, compassion and a great sense of humor to be a big turn on. Obviously you are one of those who goes through life finding men that abuse you and then wonder what you did wrong. Stop at a book store. There are numerous self-help books for women like you.

[stateMachine]

"Because what Obama seems to lack is what makes these powerful guys sexy: comfort with his aggression. He's just not comfortable with all that macho, aggressive, puffed-up-­chest-capa­ble-of-sur­viving-tor­ture-ready­-to-do-bat­tle-if-nec­essary kind of thing."

Say, genius, maybe he's got enough manhood to feel no need to assert in it in the kind of fake projections of manhood you seem to buy into. I mean, jeez, the argument for a female president used to be, they wouldn't feel the need to project their manhood through aggressive overtures deployed through phallic weaponry, yadayadayada... Now the argument's becoming, only a female president has the penis envy required to constantly assume a needlessly over-aggressive posture of beliigerence?

I mean, this is stupid beyond words, Ms. Welsh... not even sophomoric...

[nepat]

Offensive much?

[EJ99]

As a postgrad student of psychology, I find your assertions here horrendous. That you can affirm the Bush model of 'strength' as aggressive, the 'hit first, ask questions later' schtik is frightening. It is such a shallow determination of strength that from a psychological viewpoint I'm stunned you concur. Let alone that you bring no capacity for a nuanced understanding of the racialized nature of male aggression that would prevent Obama from attacking a white woman. I suggest you re-look at Obama's recent hits on McCain - the guy has a calm persona but a will of steel. That he hasn't hit at Hillary as hard as her actions have warranted is a testament to his judgment. But this guy's politics were molded in Chicago, Ill - he is no bambi, as McCain has and will continue finding out.

[ATLiberal]

Let me see: The angry black man slinging mud, smearing and denouncing his opponent and cheating on his wife.

That would really be a successful candidacy, wouldn't it?? *eyes roll*

[Heika]

Over on Daily Kos, this post was referred to as the most bizarre comment ever from the Clinton side and therefore worthy of a look. I beg to differ. It's the stupidest. I'm surprised this person is not a Bush supporter since she has such admiration for aggression. Because I no longer understand Hillary Clinton's political appeal for women--although I was once a big admirer too-- I always tell myself that Clinton supporters aren't dumb. We just have a difference of opinion. I will need to tell myself that several times tonight because this woman's reasoning is kind of scary in its visceral admiration of old style and, I would wager, self-defeating machismo. And if she thinks of Clinton as Mama Bear, she needs to talk to the kids who got kicked off of welfare by Bill with the full support of his wife. Just read her biography.

[asnevitt]

Is it April Fool's day?

[markg8]

Mz Welsh that's undoubtedly the dumbest thing I've read in at least a month.

[ClydetheCat]

In MANY months.

[janex]

How good a job did she do protecting Monica Lewinsky from Bill Clinton?

As I recall, she pretty well eviscerated the then quite young Ms. Lewinsky in a very public way.

You are foolish to think that Mrs. Clinton will watch out for you. She will watch out for herself and hers.

[wakupmagy]

Excellent point !

[cathye]

Personally, Hillary Clinton's reaction to Bill's infidelity caused me to lose all respect for her, woman to woman. My mother taught me that there were two things I would NEVER have to put up with: My husband hitting me, and my husband cheating on me. Either of those things and I was within all legal and moral grounds to ditch his ass.

The fact that she tolerated Bill cheating on her for so long . . . that's not being faithful, that's being a doormat. What did she get in exchange? A senate seat, and a good run at the presidency. And that is why I never respected Hillary, after the fiasco in the 90s . . .

Fidelity to me is the highest virtue. My fiance and I have a look but don't touch policy in our relationship that has worked well for six years . . . and he feels the same way I do about not cheating, because his mother also taught him the same.

[tressie22]

Now that I've taken a swig of wine and A Different World marathon break I can see more clearly. So the author is going for the last bastion of percieved weakness. I mean, of course, Barack withstood all the insults to his intelligence, worthiness as a candidate, his honor, his motivations but he is still just a black man and he would not be able to withstand an insult to his masculinity. I mean, sure he's well-educated but no black man anywhere would be able to let stand the pundit equivalent of a school yard b'ball challenge to his sexual prowess. So, see, now he'll forget all that high falutin' edumucation and obviously false class and get down in the mud with Hillary. Now, the feminist nazis will get the fight they know HRC can win. The Thrilla in Manilla political bout where HRC gets to play weepy but strong willed white woman victim-sla­sh-victor. I'm suuuuuuure this will work. /sarcasm, except not really

[cfinhollywood]

I've been working on a book about passion since the beginning of the year, and have been interviewing a broad spectrum of women on the subject. Several of the questions I pose have to do with women's seeming addiction to "bad boys." I hate to tell you, Ms. Welsh, but your blog sounds a lot like the fantasy wish list of women in their early twenties, who go through that trying period of being sexually turned on by bluster, disrespect and overall dissing by the guys they are attracted to. Since I've been married for 19 years to a "bad boy" who is thoughtful, respectful, smart, creative and supportive, I'm here to tell you that you don't need to be abused to have a fulfilling relationship with the man in your life, or your president.

[SayonaraSnot]

I couldn't have said it better.

[Mesaywar]

First of all, I'm looking for a President to guide my country with intelligence and honesty, not a mother to protect me with fierce stupidity.
Second, the shrunken wimp is going to be the nominee, while the clown with three cojones will be lucky to have a speech at the convention. Move on.

[SeriousBlack]

Mindblowingly misguided post by Ms. Welsh.

'Nuff said.