The Real Christmas Grinch

Did you know that "Help Save Christmas" ® is a registered trademark of Liberty Counsel (Reg.No. 3,273,650)? It's true. If anyone tries to print "Help Save Christmas" ® without noting Liberty Counsel's trademark on the phrase, they just might sue you.

That's not all.

Those caring lawyers over at Liberty Counsel have also registered "I [heart] Christmas." ® Reg.No. 3,273,656.

In another burst of tough love, the Alliance Defense Fund has now officially trademarked "Merry Christmas. It's okay to say it. â„¢" Sort of makes you afraid to say it, doesn't it?

I'm not making this up.

So be careful what you say.

The Christmas Enforcers, who have been selling the myth of a supposed 'war on Christmas' for years now are on the loose again. They are going to make you take just the right dose of Christmas. Hold the cheer.

For the past few years, having forgotten the real "spirit of Christmas," a rag-tag bag of Politically Correct Christmas Crusaders have taken upon themselves the role of patrolling stores and byways to see who is saying "Merry Christmas" in just the right way and making a list of who should be punished.

The Christmas Enforcers have - really! - started "making a list" of stores that "are naughty and nice." (Careful here Enforcers - Santa might follow your lead and sue you for Claus Infringement)

For these lawyers, it turns out that being a "naughty" store has nothing to do with unfair employment practices or selling products that are harmful to the environment. "Naughty" means that they wish their Jewish and Muslim and Buddhist customers "happy holidays" rather than "Merry Christmas." (O! Torquemada!)

And for a store to be placed on the "nice" list does not mean that it gives a portion of its profits to the sick and needy. It means having "Christmas all over the stores and TV ads." Yikes!

Of course they have not forgotten that they can also make a few bucks off selling fear.

For any donation of $25.00 or more, the Enforcers at Liberty Counsel will send you two buttons and "the legal memoranda that helped save Christmas."

The "American Family Association" will sell 500 buttons in bulk to help save Christmas against the naughty stores for only $500.00.

Over at the Alliance Defense Fund, they will sell you their "Christmas Package" with two buttons and a pamphlet for just $29.00 (postage and handling not included).

(You do the math, but it sounds like a bargain to buy buttons in bulk - as long as you don't need a legal memorandum.)

As one of the Christmas Enforcers' leading swat teams says of itself: "Liberty Counsel Goes on the Offensive to Defend Christmas Celebrations." I couldn't agree more. They have now indeed gone - their word not mine -- "offensive."

The ACLU wishes a Merry Christmas - quickly, before the phrase is trademarked! - to all those who celebrate the holiday, including the Enforcers. And the warmest of season's greetings to everyone.

Read more holiday-themed posts from HuffPost bloggers.

Comments

[Pete Ross]

What absolute BS!
In a country that's 80% Christian is a "war on Christmas" really believable?

Well, maybe just as believable as "Unintelligent Design" AKA creationism.

There really does need to be a "war on fundies" though...well, maybe an intervention. Their concept of religion is more dangerous than drugs!
Force them to attend enough school so they will act rationally.

[Libsrule]

Oh yes, nothing like the people who proclaim to be the party of values, faith and....well that's about it.

They lie, the overcharge, but mostly they use fear to try and intimidate you into following their ways. Sort of like they have become The Christian Taliban.

I understand that there are a variety of religions and a lot of them celebrate some sort of holiday around this time of year, so Season's Greetings and Happy Holidays is just fine with me.

AND if an employee slips up and says MERRY Christmas, well I'll say the same back to them.

After watching this Godless administration lie and tell half truths in order to invade a country for their oil, work furiously to take our rights away, pass bills designed to protect the corporations from those nasty consumers, and then work tirelessly to foist off this "war on Christmas" crap and Christians are victims in America, all I can say is our Founding Fathers must be shaking their heads and saying, "WHY DID WE EVEN BOTHER?"

[NicoleAnonymous]

I'm Jewish and people wish me "Merry Christmas" all the time. At work, at stores, everywhere.

I don't mind and sometimes I'll respond with "Have a nice holiday" because obviously I don't celebrate that holiday but other times I will say "Thank you and I hope you have a nice holiday also" or something like that.

With all the bad things in the world to worry about I don't care about these trivial things.

[WIpatriot]

I hereby promise to NEVER use their slogan.

[MistahCharleyPhD]

How about wishing people "Love, peace, and joy" - OK? Or not fundamentalist enough for some people? My guess is the latter, unfortunately.

Speaking of holiday sentiments, most of the religious organizations in Great Britain (including, but not limited to, the Church of England and the Roman Catholic Church) endorsed the following "Millennium Resolution" written in 1999, and the intentions in it are worth a few seconds of reflection as any old New Year rolls around, not just a 4 digit odometer change.

Let there be respect for the earth,
Peace for its people,
Love in our lives,
Delight in the good,
Forgiveness for past wrongs,
And from now on a new start.

May the Creative Forces of the Universe smile in our general direction.

[realitytrumpsbull]

How about 'merry christmas with a little plastic hitler hat and a machine gun to guard the oil well so you can fuel up your SUV to drive to Wal-Mart and fill it up with cheap chinese christmas crap'? Kind of wordy, but
gets the meaning across...and thus another
business season draws to its' inevitable close,
only to be replaced by the next one...
Madison Avenue will rule ALL...

[weddedgay]

Is it only me, but does the image of Jesus throwing the money changers out of the temple come to mind? Come on now fellow progressive Christians, it is time we take back our religion from these blasphemers.
By the way, Merry Christmas to all Christians, and best wishes of the season to all. Peace on Earth, Good Will Toward Men is universal.

[mpgarr]

I plan to open a restaurant in the next few years and when I do--when it comes to this time of the year--am going to direct my employees to say only "Happy Holidays" or "Seasons Greetings." Those stupid freaking bastards can take me to court--it may put me out of business--but so be it--I would like to establish in court, the concept that "what is factually incorrect about saying either of those two phrases?" pointing out that there are many holidays celebrated by different cultures at this time of the year and as far as "Seasons Greetings" is concerned--each time of the year it's a season--I am just merely offering greatings for this particular season!!!

[readingbooks]

So how much money does one have to donate to get on their "naughty" list? And what kind of PR materials will we receive?

Just like that old "card carrying member" routine, this could backfire on them with a vengeance.

[fpie]

Do ya think "The War on Christmas" is taken? Wouldn't BillO be surprised to get a cease and desist notice on that one? I mean it's not a commonly used phrase like, say "Fair and Ballanced" so it should be registerable.

[SamThornton]

That noted Satanist corporation Proctor & Gamble (http://tinyurl.com/4rbxf) actually did attempt to trademark "Merry Christmas" in a 19 February 2004 filing in the United Kingdom (http://tinyurl.com/2r6fgr).

They were turned down, so presumably we are now all free to wish each other a "Bloody Merry Christmas" with abandon vs. the now proprietary "Merry Christmas„¢ you bloody twit," which might be actionable.