The Zen of "Yes" or "No"

Are you a "Yes" person or a "No" person, and is one better than the other?

Movies like The Yes Man starring Jim Carey would have you believe that saying "no" leads to a boring life and a host of unexplored possibilities. After saying "no" to just about everything, Carey's character is depressed, disconnected and on the verge of missing out on life altogether. As an antidote, he attends a self-help seminar that advocates saying "Yes" to everything. His life totally turns around: he goes bungee jumping, takes guitar lessons, learns Korean, flies an airplane, and finds love.

All good things.

But what really happens to people who go through life saying "yes" (note the lower case) to every request made of them without a "no" in sight?

Louise Hay, teacher, author and expert in looking at the emotional causes of disease, says in her book Empowering Women that there is a consistent pattern that she has noticed with almost every woman she knows who has breast cancer. She says that they usually have a tremendous inability to say "no." "Breasts represent nourishment, and people with breast cancer seem to nourish everybody in their world but themselves," she says. "They give and they give until there is no nourishment left for them."

True or not, there seems to be a fine line between moments when we say "yes" to open up to new life possibilities, and, when we say "no" to honor ourselves and maintain a healthy boundary.

For example, do you say yes to donating your time to a cause because you feel it is a good thing to do, but then start bouncing checks because you gave too much of yourself and your bank account? Maybe that should have been a no.

Do you say yes to learning another language, traveling abroad and possibly meeting the love of your life? That yes could work.

Sometimes the Zen of "Yes" or "No" can be a tough call.

We've all probably had the experience of sharing a confidence with a friend, and then they later spilled the beans to someone else. The next time around when they asked you to share something intimate, you thought twice about this.

If you are a yes person, learning to say no can feel difficult -- especially the first time! The first time I said "no" to someone when they asked for one too many favors, I was so nervous. I was so afraid the person was going to get angry with me. I wondered if I was being selfish, or even worse, not nice. I even contemplated reversing back to "yes." If I said yes though, I would be betraying what I knew to be true for me -- deep down I wanted to say "no." After much deliberation, I stuck with my no.

"Anybody who is learning to say no has to put up with anger for awhile," says Louise. "You can expect that reaction." The people around you have become so used to you saying yes, that this disruption in the pattern can be unsettling for them.

Although some people would have you believe that when you say no, you are closing off to possibilities in your life ... I would like to challenge that by saying that sometimes saying no, will open up tremendous possibilities.

Maybe when you say no to someone in certain circumstances, you are actually saying yes to yourself!

Comments

[MarenS]

Nice article Tabby. I am just learning a paradoxical lesson that I saw my 40 year friend teach her 13 year old daughter recently. The daughter was overly concerned with being "nice". Her mother kept saying that in order to be "nice" to everyone, ultimately you have to be "nice" to yourself and you're not doing that when you let others take advantage of you or walk all over you. So, to be "nice", you actually have to be "not nice" to people who are "not nice" to you, without going to their level. Surprisingly, your "not nice" behavior doesn't come back to you - but respect will, which is ultimately being "nice" to yourself and will be reflected back to them as well. Its a hard one to learn, but worth the lesson. I am of course, talking about just saying "NO, thank you" without saying more or doing anything more, their actions don't justify doing anything excessive, just let them know you wont accept less in your life, in a "nice" way. This will come back to you for sure.

[Tabby Biddle - Huffpost Blogger]

Maren,
I love this lesson that your friend is teaching her 13 year-old daughter. That is a very powerful lesson to receive at age 13 -- and one that hopefully will stick with her if she practices it. The teenage years are so full of moments when girls want to be accepted and liked. Learning to say "No, thank you," is a courageous act at that time and again, if practiced, can be an incredible lesson and modeling for many other young women. If we can teach our daughters that they have a choice from a young age and that it is okay to say, "No, thank you," in order to honor and be nice to themselves - then we are moving in a great direction.

Thank you for sharing this.

[Tabby Biddle - Huffpost Blogger]

Aha! Great point. I'll have to watch the end of the film. It sounds like an excellent resolution - after swinging widely from "always no" to "always yes", he finds the middle ground. Thank you for that.

I like how you describe the middle ground as everything between the two extremes, and not just a singular point in the middle. I think this is a really important point.

Much appreciated,
Tabby

[JazzPuff]

Very nice article Tabby, enjoyed the read. I think as I get older, it is becoming easier to say "NO".
Maybe it is because I had a child later in life and that I have no free time to spare. Which, made me think,
am I extending myself not to friends, but to my own family so much so, that I have little left of me time, that is my dilemma.

[Tabby Biddle - Huffpost Blogger]

I am happy to hear it is easier to say "NO" as you have gotten older. That's a good thing. You've made a great point though about not overextending to friends, but maybe overextending with your family so much so that you have little time left for you. I wonder if the "No" there is the next step to reclaim some time for yourself and honor what you need.

Thanks for sharing.

[bam0027]

Tabby, thanks for the post. I thought it was cute and engaging, especially starting with the connection of breast cancer and a person's inability to say "no". Imagine that -- physical harm around an unprotected heart.

That being said, I was distracted by the fact that you missed Jim Carrey's ultimate resolution in the movie. After swinging widely from "always no" to "always yes", he finds the middle ground. That middle ground is, of course, everything between the two extremes, and not just a singular point in the middle.

Like I said, it was only a distraction. I appreciated the anecdotes of being overly giving, or being wary after a broken trust. I've also experienced the resistance in others that Louise May described when I started saying "no". That change in behavior can be a profound seismic shift, not just for me, but also for those close to me.

I hope others will pursue "the middle ground" in their lives a little more after reading your post.

Thanks again!