Not one of the many specialists that I visited wanted to recognize that I was clearly struggling with an eating disorder. Eventually, when all else failed, I was diagnosed with "runners' hematuria" -- blood in the urine -- from running too many miles. "It happens to marathoners all the time," one doctor said dismissively. "It makes perfect sense."
By reducing my fat intake to zero and running for an hour at a time, I knew that I'd destroy every fat cell that existed in my body. I had commenced an all-out attack on the demon inside me that made me feel that way: my homosexuality. With the strategy that combined running and starving, I was sure to waste away and starve the gay within.
I can go on forever about how exercise has physically challenged and changed me. But above all, spiritually, this has been a lesson of evolving, facing my fears and feeling deserving to (as my sister says) be proud of and own the body that houses my soul, that takes you to the next day, the next dimension.
Given that children mirror everything they see, we need to recognize the effects of our actions and be responsible for making changes. When an individual chooses to become a parent they must consider the full well being of their offspring; and that means doing whatever they can to make themselves mentally, emotionally and physically healthy.
I did not deserve the hardship of anorexia. I did not deserve the cruel, ignorant comments of people who viewed anorexia as a phase or cry for attention. But I did deserve recovery. I did deserve the possibility of a fruitful future with sadness and joy, cake during celebrations and hot chocolate in the winter.