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Borowitz Report

New England Journal of Medicine Reports Mental Health Epidemic Among Republican Governors

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

According to the study, the symptoms of the epidemic include "bizarre, uncontrollable behaviors" and "grandiose self-ideations," including an impulse to compare oneself to Biblical figures.

Obama: White House Prescription Plan Less Expensive Than Michael Jackson's

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"We've done an inventory of the left-over painkillers at Neverland Ranch," Mr. Obama said. "There's enough junk there to tranquilize the entire nation until the year 2050."

Comedians Mourn Palin's Resignation

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Moments after Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin announced her resignation from office, comedians from coast to coast held candlelight vigils to mourn what one comic called "a devastating loss."

Madoff's Soul Turns Up on Craigslist

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

The seller, Satan, said that he had bought Mr. Madoff's soul forty years ago and was "disappointed" that it had turned out to be worthless.

Sanford: "I'm Too Sexy for My State"

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Lashing out at critics who have called for his resignation, an unrepentant Gov. Mark Sanford released a statement today indicating that he might be "too sexy" for his critics to handle.

Madoff to Share Cell With O.J.

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Mr. Madoff and the former Heisman Trophy winner reportedly hit it off well, with Mr. Simpson vowing to help Mr. Madoff "search for the real swindlers."

Sanford: I Was A Nonstop F*cking Machine

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"I crossed lines with women," Governor Sanford said. "And when I say lines, I mean tan lines."

Ruth Madoff: 'This Is Not the Man I Owned Nine Homes With'

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Mrs. Madoff said she was kept "totally in the dark" about her husband's activities because he used a clever cover story: "He told me he was hiking the Appalachian Trail."

How I Saved Bernie Madoff's Life

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Published today, just in time for Bernie's sentencing, my book is a self-help guide entitled: Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison: The Bernie Madoff Edition.

Weather Channel to Air Retrospective of Weather Conditions During Michael Jackson's Lifetime

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

The retrospective, titled "Bad and Dangerous: Fifty Years of Weather During the Michael Jackson Era," will begin airing this Monday.

People Who Never Met Michael Jackson Vie for On-Air Time

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Tracy Klujian, who briefly served as a personal trainer to Mr. Jackson's former accountant, said that Michael Jackson's death had left "a permanent hole in my soul."

Sanford Transfers Extramarital Affair to Lieutenant Governor

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

In a press conference this morning, Mr. Bauer was philosophical about his new duties, telling reporters, "Well, boys, I guess I'll be hitting the Appalachian Trail."

Sanford's Penis Resigns From Republican Governors Association

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

The announcement by Mr. Sanford's penis drew mixed reactions, including from Sen. John Ensign (R-Nev): "Why would you go all the way to Argentina when there's perfectly good tail on your staff?"

Ayatollah to Obama: Don't Tell Me What to Do with My Fist

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"Anyone who thinks that the Ayatollah's fist is going to be unclenched does not know this particular fist," one source said. "It's a stubborn fist.

Ayatollah: Green Twitter Avatars 'Number One Threat' to Regime

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Khamenei said that Iran's government had stared down many challenges to its authority since the 1979 revolution, but none have been as "terrifying and intimidating" as the ubiquitous green avatars.

Earthquake in California Turns Out to be Aftershock from Transformers Sequel

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Scientists say that an earthquake that rocked Napa County, California Monday night was actually an aftershock from a screening of the new Transformers sequel, Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen.

Jon Gosselin Seeks Condo Board Friendly to Douchebags

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | New York
Andy Borowitz

Reality star Jon Gosselin, who has been looking for a New York apartment in recent days, has given the following marching orders to his realtor: find a condo board that is friendly to douchebags.

In Bid to Stay Current, Ayatollah Joins MySpace

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"If you can't beat them, join them," the Ayatollah said. "Having said that, we will also continue to beat them."

Ayatollah Warns Iranians: "I am Following You All on Twitter"

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

To back up his words, the Supreme Leader then displayed his Twitter page, showing that he was indeed following 65,875,224 people, but had only one follower, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

John Edwards Deluged With Father's Day Cards

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Mr. Edwards said he was "undecided" as to what to do about the many children who sent him cards today, but indicated that he was in talks with Madonna.

Apple Recalls iPhone; Forgot to Include 'Phone' Feature

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Apple's engineers had crammed the iPhone with a plethora of what they called "non-phonal features," such as a food processor, a taser, and a tactical nuclear weapon.

Raw Toll House Health Warning Could Slow Consumption of Weed Cookies

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"The days of cracking open a tube of dough and smashing some weed in there and eating the whole thing without baking it are probably over," he acknowledged. "This is a very, very sad day."

Ensign: Hours Spent on Tanning Bed "Fried My Judgment"

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

According to congressional insiders, fellow baked Republican John Boehner (R-OH) is considering breaking off from the G.O.P. along with Sen. Ensign and forming a so-called Orange Party.

Iran Crisis Temporarily Disrupts CNN's Jon and Kate Coverage

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

The disruption occurred when Larry King, who was interviewing comedian Kathy Griffin about "Jon and Kate" at the time, inexplicably tossed to a story about Iran instead.

Letterman Resists Making Joke About Palin Wanting Massive Pipeline

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"Here you have the words 'Sarah Palin' and 'massive pipeline' in the same sentence," the source said. "If David were to leave that alone, it would almost be dereliction of duty."