Borowitz Report

"I crossed lines with women," Governor Sanford said. "And when I say lines, I mean tan lines."

Mr. Madoff and the former Heisman Trophy winner reportedly hit it off well, with Mr. Simpson vowing to help Mr. Madoff "search for the real swindlers."

Mrs. Madoff said she was kept "totally in the dark" about her husband's activities because he used a clever cover story: "He told me he was hiking the Appalachian Trail."

Published today, just in time for Bernie's sentencing, my book is a self-help guide entitled: Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison: The Bernie Madoff Edition.

The retrospective, titled "Bad and Dangerous: Fifty Years of Weather During the Michael Jackson Era," will begin airing this Monday.

Tracy Klujian, who briefly served as a personal trainer to Mr. Jackson's former accountant, said that Michael Jackson's death had left "a permanent hole in my soul."

In a press conference this morning, Mr. Bauer was philosophical about his new duties, telling reporters, "Well, boys, I guess I'll be hitting the Appalachian Trail."

The announcement by Mr. Sanford's penis drew mixed reactions, including from Sen. John Ensign (R-Nev): "Why would you go all the way to Argentina when there's perfectly good tail on your staff?"

"Anyone who thinks that the Ayatollah's fist is going to be unclenched does not know this particular fist," one source said. "It's a stubborn fist.

Khamenei said that Iran's government had stared down many challenges to its authority since the 1979 revolution, but none have been as "terrifying and intimidating" as the ubiquitous green avatars.

Scientists say that an earthquake that rocked Napa County, California Monday night was actually an aftershock from a screening of the new Transformers sequel, Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen.

"If you can't beat them, join them," the Ayatollah said. "Having said that, we will also continue to beat them."

Mr. Edwards said he was "undecided" as to what to do about the many children who sent him cards today, but indicated that he was in talks with Madonna.

Apple's engineers had crammed the iPhone with a plethora of what they called "non-phonal features," such as a food processor, a taser, and a tactical nuclear weapon.

"The days of cracking open a tube of dough and smashing some weed in there and eating the whole thing without baking it are probably over," he acknowledged. "This is a very, very sad day."

To back up his words, the Supreme Leader then displayed his Twitter page, showing that he was indeed following 65,875,224 people, but had only one follower, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

According to congressional insiders, fellow baked Republican John Boehner (R-OH) is considering breaking off from the G.O.P. along with Sen. Ensign and forming a so-called Orange Party.

The disruption occurred when Larry King, who was interviewing comedian Kathy Griffin about "Jon and Kate" at the time, inexplicably tossed to a story about Iran instead.

"Here you have the words 'Sarah Palin' and 'massive pipeline' in the same sentence," the source said. "If David were to leave that alone, it would almost be dereliction of duty."

In a sign that the Iranian government is cracking down on dissent, the Interior Ministry banned most Facebook applications today, except for the "What Ayatollah Are You Most Like" game.

According to the ministry, which Mr. Ahmadinejad runs, the Iranian hard-liner defeated the Penguins by a score of 6-0, scoring two hat tricks in the victory.

Kendra Kalounis, the executive director of the slutty flight attendants' group, said she had canceled a tanning appointment to attend the march.

"It was a horrible experience," the former Ms. California said afterwards. "Maybe I should have just gone and posed for Playboy after all."

In a related story, a new study commissioned by the University of Minnesota shows that articles with the words "oral sex" in the headline are three times as likely to be clicked on as those without.