Calvin Trillin

When Bad PR Happens to Good People, or, Jeffrey Birnbaum's Revenge

William Klein | Posted 07.30.2008 | Media


William Klein

Washington Post columnist Jeffrey Birnbaum has his panties in a twist again about the practice of public policy advocates employing professional writers to help them draft newspaper op-eds.

Math Favors Hillary, Says Huckabee

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.07.2008 | Politics


Andy Borowitz

"I didn't major in math, I majored in miracles," Huckabee told reporters in Little Rock today. "And after Tuesday's results, my Miracle-o-meter is tingling off the hook."

Obama Proposes Gas-bag Holiday

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.05.2008 | Politics


Andy Borowitz

CNN's senior gas-bag, Lou Dobbs, said that Sen. Obama's proposal of a gas-bag holiday should make Americans "question his patriotism."

Obama De-friends Wright on Facebook

Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.30.2008 | Politics


Andy Borowitz

Chief Obama strategist David Axelrod said that Sen. Obama had to de-friend the Rev. Wright on Facebook "because he was getting really annoying."

Rev. Wright Launches Own 24-Hr. Channel

Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.28.2008 | Politics


Andy Borowitz

By launching WrightTV, the minister said, "It is my sincere hope that I can quench the public's seemingly limitless thirst for hearing me talk."

Obama: Voters Fine, I'm Bitter

Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.26.2008 | Politics


Andy Borowitz

Sen. Obama said that after Rev. Wright controversy, the ABC News debate, the flag lapel criticism, and the "red phone" ads, "You can bet your ass I know a thing or two about who's bitter."

McCain Celebrates Huge Pennsylvania Win

Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.23.2008 | Politics


Andy Borowitz

A jubilant McCain said that "It became abundantly clear that the people of Pennsylvania want to send the Republicans back to the White House for another four years."

Democratic Race 'Too Mean,' Say Swift Boat Veterans

Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.21.2008 | Politics


Andy Borowitz

The Democratic race has descended to "a level of meanness and acrimony that is damaging to American politics," the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth said today.

Gibson Trounces Stephanopoulos in Crucial Debate

Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.17.2008 | Media


Andy Borowitz

An aide to Gibson later summed up his victory: "He didn't let the candidates talk too much, and he made sure that this debate would be about Charles Gibson and nothing but Charles Gibson."

Poll: Majority of Americans Bitter, Clingy

Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.16.2008 | Politics


Andy Borowitz

A new poll hints that Obama's controversial remarks in which he called Pennsylvania voters "bitter" may actually be helping him with a key constituency: bitter voters.

Boston Herald, Borowitz Report to Merge News Operations

Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.15.2008 | Media


Andy Borowitz

The Herald said that it came to its merger decision after The Borowitz Report story it re-published, "Cheney Challenges Hillary to Hunting Contest," failed to set off any alarms in its fact-checking department.

Boston Herald Prints My Fake News as Real News

Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.14.2008 | Media


Andy Borowitz

The Boston Herald, apparently believing my "Cheney Challenges Hillary to Hunting Contest" story to be true, published it as a straight news story.

Cheney Challenges Hillary to Hunting Contest

Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.13.2008 | Politics


Andy Borowitz

Shortly after Cheney issued his challenge, Clinton seemed to back off from her earlier claims of hunting experience, saying that she had "misspoke" about her hunting exploits as a child.

Fire in Clinton Campaign Headquarters Destroys Tax Returns

Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.11.2008 | Politics


Andy Borowitz

A spokesman for the Clinton campaign said that the 2007 tax returns of Mrs. Clinton and her husband went up in flames along with everything else.

China Moves Olympics to Undisclosed Location

Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.10.2008 | Politics


Andy Borowitz

The reasoning behind the move was simple, a spokesman for China's ministry of sport told reporters: "You cannot protest what you cannot find."

Degrees of Matriculation

Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.08.2008 | Living


Andy Borowitz

While your SAT scores fall below the threshold for acceptance to Harvard's class of 2012, your Harvard parents' participation in our fund-raising appeals have gained you admission to a new program called LegacyPlus™.

Market Tumbles on News That Bush Is Still President

Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.03.2008 | Politics


Andy Borowitz

One solution reportedly being pondered by the Fed would involve sending Mr. Bush to Disney World for the remainder of his time in office.

Nader Tells Gravel to Get Out of Race

Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.01.2008 | Politics


Andy Borowitz

"If Gravel's presence in the race winds up leading to the election of a Republican who then leads us into a disastrous war, I don't know how he'll live with himself," Mr. Nader said.

Hillary Vows to Stay in Race 100 Years

Andy Borowitz | Posted 03.30.2008 | Politics


Andy Borowitz

Sen. Clinton added that she was refusing to announce an exit strategy from the race because "that would send the wrong message to the enemy."

Hillary Says She 'Misspoke' About Wrestling Bin Laden

Andy Borowitz | Posted 03.25.2008 | Politics


Andy Borowitz

"I may have misspoke about what went on that particular day," Clinton said. "But it was a very busy time for me, what with having that knife-fight with Kim Jong-Il and all."

Bush to Phase Out Environment by 2009

Andy Borowitz | Posted 03.23.2008 | Politics


Andy Borowitz

The president said that by removing endangered species from the protected list one by one, he has been able to phase out the environment gradually "so that hardly anyone will notice it's missing."

The Red and the White

Molly Laas | Posted 01.07.2008 | Living


Molly Laas

Would you consider me a total moron if I couldn't tell the difference between red and white wine?


 

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