Carrie Prejean on The Huffington Post

eSarcasm: Who's the Biggest Douchebag of 2009?

2009-12-28T16:02:11Z

This was the year douchebaggery went mainstream. From fading TV stars who latched onto Twitter like a life raft to silicon-enhanced airheads, media leeches, wanna-be terrorists, and male sluts on steroids, the year was filled with some of the finest d-bagging we've ever seen.

Who's the douchiest of them all? Select your favorite d-bagger from one of the following ten.

Want more snark in the new year? Visit eSarcasm. You'll be glad you did.

Arianna Huffington: Christmas 2009: We Know Who's Been Naughty... Nice Is a Little Harder to Find

2009-12-23T16:56:56Z

A recent CNN poll found that during this economically troubled holiday season 68 percent of Americans are buying gifts that their friends and family need, compared to 27 percent who are buying gifts they think they would enjoy.

As for me, as part of my annual tradition of getting gifts for my favorite -- and not so favorite -- public figures, I'm going for the middle ground, choosing gifts they need... and that I think you might enjoy.

Here's this year's list:

Joe Lieberman, Ben Nelson, Mitch McConnell and the other congressional obstructionists: a DVD of Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, so they can see the proper use of a filibuster -- to fight corruption, not promote it.

Health insurance and drug company lobbyists: Nothing -- they're getting enough from the Senate and the White House this Christmas.

Lou Dobbs: Just a simple "Feliz Navidad."

Mark Sanford and Tiger Woods: Love-sick emails that self-destruct 60 seconds after you send them. "Soul mates" they are actually married too.

Jenny Sanford and Elin Nordegren: Husbands they can trust. An at-home HIV test. The best divorce lawyer money can buy.

Joe Wilson, Kanye West, and Serena Williams: Impulse control.

Meghan McCain: More attention for her fabulous cleaving takes (Karl Rove is a "creepy" Twitter follower; Dick Cheney should "go away"), and less attention for her fabulous cleavage.

Taylor Swift: a Harry Winston-designed mace holder for her next awards show meet-up with Kanye West.

Tareq and Michaele Salahi: a Photoshop class -- it's a much less obnoxious way to get a picture of yourself with Obama and Biden.

Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger: the pilot's seat on my next flight. And the next one. And the next one...

The Iranian people: a green uprising that turns into a velvet revolution.

The American people: Real health care reform (Medicare For All).

Carrie Prejean: New breast implants, so she can give back the ones the Miss California pageant bought for her.

Roman Polanski: a cellmate who also believes that plying someone with champagne and a Quaalude and anally penetrating them is "making love."

Larry Summers: a Goldman Sachs pension -- after all, he's earned it.

Richard and Mayumi Heene: Parenting classes. Behind bars.

Falcon Heene: Classmates who've never watched TV.

David from "David After the Dentist": Classmates who've never watched YouTube.

All the cable anchors who spent endless hours expressing their deep concern for Balloon Boy: the names of some of the 13 million children living in poverty in this country who desperately need their concern and attention, and some time in the media spotlight.

Erin Andrews: a lifetime supply of masking tape. And a plush hotel robe -- floor-length.

Orly Taitz: Someone to tell her that her 15 minutes expired months ago.

The cast of Jersey Shore: a copy of "Dummies for Dummies." Vasectomies for the guys and a lifetime supply of birth control pills for the girls.

Members of the GOP: an Xbox 360. They might as well occupy themselves with something, since they've decided to do nothing in Congress.

Lady Gaga: Guy Ritchie -- She's already stolen everything else that used to belong to Madonna.

The recipients of the 3.9 million foreclosure notices sent to homeowners this year: a cramdown amendment that isn't killed by banking lobbyists.

Goldman Sachs: $23 billion of taxpayers' money. Oops, sorry -- that's what we gave them last year.

That's my list. Now it's your turn to play Santa. Who's been naughty and who's been nice? Please post your gift ideas for your favorite -- and not so favorite -- public figures in the comments section and we'll collect the best ones and unwrap them on Christmas Day.

***

UPDATE, Christmas Day

Click here to read your gift suggestions, including a GPS for Barack Obama, to show him the way from Wall Street to Main Street (submitted by manx).

Fake Celebrities Of 2009: Who Is The Biggest Famewhore? (PHOTOS)

2009-12-19T08:49:08Z

Thanks to dwindling scripted programming and ever-increasing channels of self-promotion, the manufactured celebrity figured prominently in 2009. Who deserves the attention and whom do you never want to hear from again?

PHOTOS:

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Meredith C. Carroll: Looking Back on the Year of the Woman

2009-12-16T18:57:00Z

Time magazine had several contenders for its annual Person of the Year issue, including Timothy Geithner, Stanley McChrystal, Usain Bolt and, of course, Ben Bernanke. More forward-thinking publications, however, have all but declared 2009 as the Year of the Woman.

"Never has there been a time in which more remarkable women have distinguished themselves," said famed women's rights activist and Ms. magazine founder, Gloria Steinem. "I never thought I'd live to see the day."

Leading the pack is Nadya Suleman. For her courageous decision to have 14 children via in-vitro fertilization without a job or partner, subjecting her family to intense public scrutiny and ridicule by spending money on video games, manicure and lattes while on public assistance programs, and announcing on Good Morning America last month that she's open to having more children, she was named Bitch magazine's Psycho Mom of the Year in the December issue.

"Nobody tells me what I can and can't do with my lady parts," Suleman huffed at the launch party for the issue.

The women of VH1's reality shows, including For the Love of Ray J, My Antonio, Real Chance of Love and Rock of Love, have been recognized by PharmaWeek magazine as its Fame Whores of the Year.

"The pharmaceutical industry has rarely, if ever, had so many prime research subjects available in one location. From testing experimental herpes vaccines and methamphetamine withdrawal medications, drug companies hit the jackpot," enthused editor-in-chief Ken Davies.

The CBS page program weekly newsletter named Stephanie Birkitt as its Page of the Year earlier this month.

CBS president and CEO Les Moonves boasted, "While the NBC page program counts Ted Koppel and Michael Eisner as alumni, we couldn't be more gratified that one of our own made a name for herself by sleeping with the host of one of our most profitable and high profile shows, getting him to pay for her law school education, hire her as his personal lawyer, include her on intimate vacations with his wife and young son, all the while being savvy enough to write it down in her diary that she didn't keep hidden from other boyfriends. Top that, [NBC page alumnus] Regis Philbin!"

Yesterday the American Bar Association Journal named Elin Nordegren its Client of the Year for her recent foray into the legal world. While her attorney is waist-deep in furious negotiations with husband Tiger Woods' army of lawyers over the terms of their revised prenuptial agreement, Nordegren is said to have already pocketed an instant re-signing bonus of $5 million. Should she stand by her man at golf tournaments for the next two years while continuing to look pretty but remaining mute, she stands to receive an additional $55 million payout, according to reports.

"It's about time our industry took a break from all the corporate bankruptcies we've been wading through this past year and started honing in on the long-overlooked cash cow of prenuptial agreements," said ABA president Carolyn B. Lamm. "If we can only sign on a few more Elin Nordegrens, lawyers across the country might finally have the security of knowing they'll definitely be able to retire early, and filthy rich. Boy, if Oprah ever marries Steadman, that would help us, like, a lot."

Nordegren received another distinction this morning when the International Au Pair Association named her its Babysitter of the Year.

"Blonde au pairs aren't always as dumb as they look, which she proved on Thanksgiving night," said IAPA chairperson Jack Hompes. "Her husband might be a professional golfer, but she's got the ace in the hole. Elin is an inspiration to hot nannies everywhere."

The National Enquirer awarded Tiger Woods' mistresses their Other Women of the Year award, just edging out Hailey Glassman, Rielle Hunter and Mackenzie Phillips.

"Thank you for saving what had otherwise been a dismal year in the tabloid industry," gushed co-executive editor Julia Coates to Woods' assortment of cocktail waitresses, hostesses, porn stars and pancake flippers at a Las Vegas party in their honor. "My sincere apologies to any of you who we neglected to mention to date, but I'm sure your names will surface on our pages in due time. Oh yeah -- and we want to give a special shout out to our boy Tiger for making all this possible. Like the National Enquirer, he's proof that a loyal fan base and zillions of dollars won't necessarily buy you any class."

Finally, Carrie Prejean was named by Mad magazine as its Joke of the Year. From being crowned Miss California and later being de-throned, engaging in a public battle with the pageant director about who should pay for her breast implants, yelping about conservative values and then slinking out of the spotlight following the discovery of nude photos and videos that she took of herself and sent to multiple boyfriends, Prejean was a unanimous choice.

"Because even we can't make this stuff up," explained Mad editor John Ficarra.

"I couldn't be more cognizant of Carrie if I were her mother," Steinem said, choking back tears.

Time magazine's Person of the Year issue is on newsstands now.

Wayne Besen: Conservatives of Convenience

2009-12-16T14:13:58Z

A February 2008 poll by the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life found that 16 percent of America's 225 million adults are unaffiliated with any religion. According to the report, "When 'childhood religion' is compared against 'current religion,' the unaffiliated show a net increase of 8.8 percentage points, compared to a 7.5 point loss among Catholics, for example, or a 2.6 percent loss among Protestants."

It is my belief that outrageously hypocritical behavior demonstrated by conservative religious authorities is directly responsible for the surge in non-believers and those who shun organized religion. The ubiquitous scolds who dominate cable TV and Republican politics are too often conservatives of convenience, who believe they are exempt from practicing the strident rules that they preach.

For example, South Carolina's First Lady, Jenny Sanford, filed for divorce last week after her husband, Gov. Mark Sanford (R), admitted to engaging in an affair with a woman from Argentina. Until the scandal broke, Mark and Jenny posed as a beacon of Christian family values.

I can understand Jenny's disgust with her husband, who left his four sons to cheat with his mistress on Father's Day. But one can't masquerade as a Bible-thumper when it comes to gay rights and other issues, and then say that the Bible is suddenly irrelevant when it comes to divorce.

Both Jenny and Mark profited from their charade, yet jilted Jenny wants to conveniently abandon biblical absolutism and utilize liberal divorce laws because her feelings are hurt. Sorry Jenny, but a mistress does not negate your marriage vows. Anyone can embrace the "sanctity of marriage" in good times. A true person of fundamentalist faith stays with the vows even when the relationship sours.

To highlight such hypocrisy, John Marcoa, a Sacramento Web-designer, has drafted a 2010 parody ballot measure that would ban divorce in California. Tellingly, the right wing organizations that fought to save marriage from gay couples have not lined up to support it.

From mega-churches to suburban strip mall ministries, fundamentalist youth rail against the secular culture, even as they ape it. They sport gaudy tattoos of Jesus, wear earrings in their noses and play imitation rock. On their fingers are silly chastity rings, when they really need chastity belts.

A recent New York Times magazine article points out that "More government money has been spent on the cause of sexual abstinence in Texas than any other state, but it still has the third-highest teen birth rate in the country and the highest percentage of teen mothers giving birth more than once."

Former beauty queen Carrie Prejean is the perfect spokesperson for liberal bashing libertines. She moralized over same-sex marriage, but expected forgiveness and understanding when, thanks to tabloid pictures, America got to know her in the biblical sense.

Perhaps the most amusing part of studying conservatives is their absurd claim that America is a Christian nation, which is impossible, because no two people can define what it means to be Christian. A new Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life report entitled, "Many Americans Mix Multiple Faiths," concludes that people are now choosing to "blend Christianity with Eastern or New Age beliefs".

Who knew crystals and Christ went so well together?

Last month, Watergate felon Chuck Colson joined a batch of wing nuts to write "The Manhattan Declaration." This supposedly conservative manifesto began by shamelessly co-opting historical liberal successes. The Declaration reads:

It was Christians who combated the evil of slavery...Christian women stood at the vanguard of the suffrage movement...The great civil rights crusades of the 1950s and 60s were led by Christians...

It is true that Christians played a role in these movements. However, it was non-believers teaming up with liberal Christians to overcome the opposition of conservative Christians. The anti-gay signers of "The Manhattan Declaration" are the ideological heirs to those on the wrong side of history. It was remarkable how efficiently they scrubbed their own embarrassing past and replaced their monumental failures with liberal accomplishments.

Social conservatives are a loud bunch, but their power is slipping. I think back to Middle school, when I attended a Houston Rockets basketball game with my father. During a time out the "Voice of God" announced that a gay rights measure had been crushed. The enthusiastic crowd burst out in to loud cheers, which was quite devastating to a thirteen-year old coming to terms with his sexual orientation.

On Monday, Houston voters elected openly gay Annise Parker to be their mayor. Unlike my youth, I watched a Houston crowd cheer for progress instead of prejudice. No doubt there were countless social conservatives across the city slamming beers, ogling women who weren't their wives and betting on sports -- while bemoaning the city's fallen values.

This is the lifestyle of today's conservatives of convenience. They are all creed and no deed.

Andy Borowitz: Hundreds of Autograph-Seekers Wait in Line While Palin Struggles to Spell Name

2009-12-07T17:26:06Z

BLOOMINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - Sarah Palin's book tour hit a snag today at the Mall of America as hundreds of autograph seekers waited in line as the former Alaska governor tried in vain to spell her name.

"Sound it out," whispered Ms. Palin's book publicist as the line of impatient fans snaked around the mall.

After hours of waiting for the bestselling author to spell her name, many of the book-buyers went home disappointed.

"This was a big old waste of a day," said Carol Foyler, a homemaker from nearby Shakopee. "I'm sure going to think twice before coming out to see Carrie Prejean sign her book." More here.

Carrie Prejean's Sex Tape Recipient Helped Fill Out Miss CA Survey

2009-11-21T08:38:26Z

TMZ has learned Prejean's former cross-country booty call received an email from Carrie on 11/7/07 -- when she was 20 -- in which Carrie asked for help answering several brain-busting questions such as:

If you could have lunch with any one (1) person, who would it be and why?

eSarcasm: 2024: Carrie Prejean for President

2009-11-19T14:06:20Z

It appears family values beauty queen Carrie Prejean has been churning out sex tapes the way Krispy Kreme churns out honey glazed doughnuts. We are shocked, shocked we tell you. But that's only the beginning of the shocking news eSarcasm has uncovered.

First, the videos: Forensic video investigators have unearthed seven more solo sex tapes and more than two dozen nude photos of former Miss California USA Carrie Prejean, all taken while she was a minor.

Through a spokesperson*, Ms. Prejean said she deeply regrets making sex tapes two, three, six and seven, but really enjoyed nos. one, four and five, and was too blasted to remember much about sex tape number eight.

However, the spokesperson denied rumors that Ms. Prejean's new book, Still Standing, is being repackaged by her publishers as Still Laying on My Back Playing With My Hootchie.

After rumors of a single Carrie Prejean sex tape first appeared earlier this month, Ms. Prejean dropped her $1 million suit against organizers of the Miss California USA pageant, which agreed to foot the $5200 bill for her pre-pageant breast augmentation.

In an interview with Christianity Today, Ms. Prejean revealed that her breast implants had been endorsed by Jesus -- putting her in excellent company.

No, I don't think there's anything wrong with getting breast implants as a Christian. I think it's a personal decision. I don't see anywhere in the Bible where it says you shouldn't get breast implants.

Ms. Prejean failed to add that though the Bible warns against succumbing to the curse of Onan and spilling one's seed upon the earth, the Good Book does not specifically prohibit pleasuring oneself with 9-inch vibrating dildo named "Mandingo."

After news of the sex tapes became public, Ms. Prejean had to cancel speaking engagements at family-oriented Christian conferences. However, eSarcasm has learned that the 21-year-old beauty has been invited to perform at the Adult Video Awards Show in Las Vegas.

With her strong family values background and smoking hot bod, Ms. Prejean is considered a contender for the Republican presidential nomination in 2024.

*Which may have just been JR doing a fake accent

For more Geek Humor Gone Wild, please visit eSarcasm. There's at least a 72 percent chance you'll be glad you did.

Doug Molitor: 12 Titles For Carrie Prejean's Sex Tapes (Doug's Dozen #19)

2009-11-18T18:09:50Z

Holy autoeroticism! She made 7 of them? She must do it religiously!

If you enjoy political satire blended with low comedy and general bad attitude, please check out more of my webseries Doug's Dozen at...

www.dougsdozen.com

such as:

12 Ways the World Could End in 2012
12 Halloween Costumes for Important People
12 Things That Are Like Cheney Criticizing Obama on Afghanistan
12 New Town Hall Issues
12 Objections to Obama Getting the Nobel Peace Prize
12 New Sponsors for the Glenn Beck Show
The 12 Commandments of C Street

Carrie Prejean Threatens To SUE Porn Company For Distributing Sex Tapes

2009-11-18T07:25:36Z

TMZ has obtained a letter from Carrie's lawyer, threatening to sue Vivid if it releases videos or photos of Carrie's solo, XXX greatest hits. Carrie's lawyer, Charles LiMandri, told Vivid, even though he made it clear yesterday that no means no, "...your company has apparently told the media that it plans to publish the videotapes and/or photographs of my client with or without her permission."

Rep. Chaffetz Bullish On Carrie Prejean's Political Prospects

2009-11-17T15:15:31Z

Carrie Prejean! Are we still even allowed to be talking about her, this being Sarah Palin's appointed week in the media spotlight? Apparently, yes! Hollywood gossip-mongers TMZ report today that Representative Jason Chaffetz (R-Utah) was recently talking bullishly on Prejean's political prospects: "[Carrie] has the ability to draw crowds and if she has a strong message to go with that, who knows what she can do? She has star power which can open doors."

Uhm... sex tape much? Chaffetz suggests that it will be "an impediment" but "we've all made mistakes when we were 17." CUE THE NATIONWIDE SEARCH FOR THE JASON CHAFFETZ SEX TAPE.

Chaffetz went on to suggest that "people are excited about [Prejean's] convictions and beliefs," which led me, naturally to itemize said convictions and beliefs:

1. Carrie Prejean does not support gay marriage.
2. Carrie Prejean thinks Perez Hilton is an insufferable, howling jerkface. (No argument here!)
3. Carrie Prejean thinks the media makes way too big a deal about 1 and 2.
4. Carrie Prejean will relentlessly bombard the media on that third point.

And you know what? Chaffetz has a point! That's way more convictions than your typical Congressperson ever evinces!

RELATED:
Congressman: Prejean Should Be a Politician [TMZ]

[Would you like to follow me on Twitter? Because why not? Also, please send tips to tv@huffingtonpost.com -- learn more about our media monitoring project here.]

Katharine Rust: The Problem With Carrie Prejean and Homophobia

2009-11-17T14:15:06Z

I tend to stay away from arguments for the gay marriage ban based on religious beliefs because I think those who make them have a point. In their interpretation of a 2000+-year-old set of mores set down and rewritten and re-interpreted and re-interpreted and re-written and re-written again, there is a certain group of people who have come to believe that the holy sacrament of marriage should be between a man and a woman. Fair enough. Do I agree with them? Not with a single grain in my soul, but I won't tell them they can't believe what they want to believe--especially within the confines of an institution that is, by the nature of the founding of our country, completely separate from influencing at all the way in which I can legally live my life. Except that it's not. And therein lies the problem with the argument that gay marriage should not be legal. Believe what you want to within your religious institution of living, but don't tell me where my tax dollars can and can't go based on that.

Which brings me to this Big Hollywood post by Sarah Palin's co-author, Lynn Vincent. In attempting to defend her hilarious new author-buddy/athlete, Carrie Prejean, Vincent vehemently insists that neither Prejean, nor herself are "fanatical homophobes." Why? Because they have gay friends. Vincent proves her point in the shocking revelation that Prejean learned how to walk in heels from an "openly gay man."

No. Way.

Totally way. Vincent even goes on to compliment said coach and all gay men by declaring their expertise in wearing heels with this little gem: "Let's face it ladies, nobody can work a pair of pumps like the right gay man." Besides the plethora of ways in which I would like to point out Vincent's shortcomings as a functioning, non-bigoted, reasonable human being with this, the statement's just wrong. No offense to Varla Jean and Hedda, but I've seen Heidi Klum rock a pair of 4 inch stilettos... no contest.

The problem with this line of rationalizing homophobia is that Vincent, Prejean and I'm sure many others, are excusing their fear by admitting that A) they have gay friends and B) they aren't afraid of them. But saying that you aren't afraid of your friends doesn't mean you're not homophobic. Saying you don't agree that gay people have the right to be married does. It's a deeper, much more ingrained sentiment that threatens the institutional beliefs around which you build your life. The prospect of having that upended, be it by friend, family member or stranger, is frightening, but is it cause to close yourself off from even entertaining the idea that your way of life or system of beliefs won't mean anything less if someone you love and care about has the same rights as you? More to the point, it doesn't make exclusionary prejudice legally okay. It's the same thing as saying, "I'm not racist, I have black friends. I just don't believe they should go to my school." Wasn't okay then. Isn't okay now.

(On a sidenote, I'd like to thank you, Lynn, for the enlightening look inside the world of pageantry. Barring any pending Nielsen reports on the demographic of viewers who still watch this archaic inspiration of anorexia and boob jobs, I'm going to go out on a limb and assume most pageant-viewing parties today consist of either southern families and BBQ or gay men and martinis.)

Robert J. Elisberg: The Sarah Palin-Carrie Prejean Two-for-One Tour

2009-11-17T10:29:43Z

So, Carrie Prejean was on Oprah yesterday, and when... wait, I'm sorry, it was Sarah Palin. My mistake. I confuse them at times. Beauty pageant winners who left their jobs early and get peevish when you ask something hard they don't want to answer, but claim you're stifling their freedom to speak.

Alas, I didn't watch. I just figured that if she had nothing to say when running to be Vice President of the United States, why in the world would I care when she was simply hawking a book she didn't write?

Indeed, seeing a single quote from the autobiography she didn't write, and just one clip from her TV appearance, that was more than enough emptiness to confirm my decision.

There she was, responding to being asked if the estranged father of her unmarried teenage daughter's baby, who has been relentlessly trashing her publicly and posing nude would be coming to Thanksgiving dinner. "That's a good question!!," she enthused.

No, it's not a good question. Anyone who thinks the answer is anything except, "Not even if Jesus Himself was his chaperone," has eaten too many candied yams. The bigger problem, though, was that she continued, trying to sound patronizing...sorry, "forgiving," by saying he needs to become part of the fold to know that he's loved. Loved??!! That wasn't a "forgiving" answer, it was a creepy one. Sarah Palin hasn't shown a wisp of "love" in a single one of her scathing public press releases about him. Further, to suggest that he should be taken under the "wing" of her "fold" ignores the reality that Mr. Johnston a) has a family where he is, no doubt, actually loved, and b) is the father of her granddaughter, not applying for admittance to the Church of Palin.

When you give a chuckleheaded answer, you come across like a chucklehead.

But then, it's very telling that she thinks this a "good question," yet believes it was a horrible question to ask a Vice Presidential candidate what publications she reads to inform her world view.

You see, what was so ghastly about the excerpts from her book concerning the Katie Couric interview is not that she was offended (still) by the question. It's what she wrote next.

As the AP reports, "...given what she called Couric's lack of knowledge about energy issues, Palin wondered whether she should have asked the news anchor what she read."

Keep in mind that Sarah Palin had a full year to think about this. A year!! And the best she can come up with is that she should have asked the anchor of the "CBS Evening News" what she reads!

Ms. Couric would likely have said something like, "I read the Wall Street Journal, Washington Post and Rome Il Messaggero" - which not only would have made Ms. Palin look truly foolish...but then she would have continued, "Okay, I just answered your question. Will you now answer mine?"

But even that's not what's most ghastly about her comments. It's something that has been ghastly since the moment the Couric Question was asked. It's that what Sarah Palin should have answered is - "I read the Wall Street Journal, Washington Post, and Rome Il Messaggero." It doesn't matter if she really does read these - she's a politician, the truth is an alien - but it would have ended the matter.

Or she could have said, "My staff puts extracts from newspapers on my desk in the morning. Most politicians don't have time to read daily papers."

But Carrie Prejean just stood...sorry, Sarah Palin stood there like a bobbleheaded deer caught in the headlights and crash-landed. Imagine if Sarah Palin was sitting in the White House and had to answer, say - a serious question. Harder than "What do you read?" It's becoming more clear why she quit the governorship halfway through.

And still, she writes that she was mortified by Couric's supposed lack of knowledge on energy issues. This from someone who's sophisticated position is, "Drill, baby, drill."

But then, lack of knowledge during interviews really isn't something Sarah Palin should ever bring up. As in - not ever.

Because this is the person who claimed she had foreign policy experience because Russia is close to where she lived.

That can never be repeated enough. Sarah Palin was running for Vice President of the United States and claimed she had foreign policy experience because Russia is close to where she lived.

It's not that this is so air-gaspingly stupid - it's that she was caught unprepared on so basic, obvious a question...and thought it was a smart answer. She could have said almost anything half-rational. Instead - unprepared - she gave an answer that a second-grader would give. Though not a third-grader.

When you give a chuckleheaded answer, you come across like a chucklehead.

It is not living in the past to bring this up. Her answer speaks to character. And the ghastly thing is, a year later there's no evidence that today her answer would be any different.

One year. And that's the best that she came up with for her book. That she should have asked the anchor of the "CBS Evening News" what she reads.

One year. And she's still bumfuzzled by having been asked what she reads. That it was too hard, too unfair, too inappropriate. No wonder she dismisses difficult questions asked her as "Gotcha Questions." No wonder she quit being governor after only half a term.

If she can't handle any of this, if she can't handle "What do you read?" - in what universe does anyone think she could handle sitting down with a confrontational Iran to negotiate a nuclear arms agreement??

It came as no surprise, therefore, to hear that Carrie Prejean considers Sarah Palin one of her heroes. When the Emperor of Softball Questions, Larry King, asked her nothing more than what she was thinking ("You don't have to tell me the terms of the settlement, but why settle...?"), she imploded. It was too hard, too unfair, too "inappropriate."

But then, Ms. Prejean has this ongoing problem answering questions that she finds inconvenient, just like her "hero," Sarah Palin. I can't talk about that. I won't talk about that. The media is mean to me. That's inappropriate. Doing endless interviews to yammer that her Free Speech Rights are being blocked.

When you give a chuckleheaded answer, you come across like a chucklehead.

Here's the thing: if Sarah Palin - sorry, if Carrie Prejean doesn't want to answer questions, then stop doing interviews. She reminds me of a sketch by the great comics Bob & Ray, where a guy comes in for an interview and hands the host a list of prepared questions - and at one point berates the host for asking a bad question, from that very list. Carrie Prejean isn't interested in doing interviews; she wants a One Woman Show on Broadway. "Carrie Prejean stars as Carrie Prejean."

SarahPalinCarriePrejean are two peas in a pod. Both preening for the cameras, winking as human contact, and unwilling, unable to answer any question that forces them to process opinions different from their own. Pouting their way petulantly through life.

If Sarah Palin and Carrie Prejean want to be bastions of female equality, role models of womanhood, this is not the way to go about it. This is One Giant Leap Backwards for Womankind. Women are so much smarter, better than this.

When you give chuckleheaded answers, you come across like a chucklehead.

And this reaction here, it all came from nothing more than an excerpt in an autobiography she didn't write, and one TV clip. And you wonder why I couldn't bear to make it through the whole interview.

My head would have exploded.

Porn Company Offers Carrie Prejean Millions For Sex Tapes

2009-11-16T07:24:46Z

TMZ has obtained a copy of a letter Vivid honcho Steven Hirsch sent to Prejean's lawyer, Charles Limandri. Hirsch is asking to acquire the rights to distribute "erotic footage that Carrie Prejean, former Miss California, produced for her boyfriend following their four (4) day rendezvous in February 2007." It's the same video (eight in all, along with 30 photos) that TMZ obtained but has not posted because it's just too racy.

Martin Lewis: Carrie Prejean Contest! Suggest Songs For Her Debut Album!

2009-11-14T13:34:32Z

Let's face it -- she has it all. The looks... The beautifully-modulated voice... hands-on experience making videos... ability to get full exposure on Sean Hannity's outlets... And that all-important hotline to God -- who of course controls radio playlists and Soundscan chart returns.

So I have issued an invitation to Carrie to let me produce an album with her. My music production credits aren't too shabby. Over the years I've produced live recordings with Sting, Pete Townshend, Eric Clapton, Jeff Beck, Donovan, Phil Collins, George Michael, Bob Geldof, Julian Lennon and the Portsmouth Sinfonia. So I think I could handle Carrie...

But what songs to record?

That's where you -- the HuffPo readers -- come in.

Please submit your suggestions.

And if you have ideas for the album title -- please share those too.

The best suggestions will be incorporated on the album -- and those who proposed the selected songs and album title will win a night IN with Carrie as she makes the video for the lead-off single.

To get you going -- here are a few titles that I'm considering:

SONGS FOR CARRIE

(click on each song title to experience a version of the song that is pre-Carrie. Or pre-Jean actually!)

• She-Bop
• All By Myself
• One Finger, One Thumb (Keep Moving)
• Relax
• Don't Let The Sun (Of God) Go Down On Me
• Pictures Of Lily
• Personal Jesus
• I've Got the Whole World in My Hands
• I'm All I Need
• Turning Japanese
• Cum On Feel The Noize
• I Touch Myself
• (Pre)Jeans On
• Caroline No
• Carry On
• Carrie-Ann
• Carry On Camping
• Ring My Bell
• Every Sperm Is Sacred

Get cracking! Carrie is all fingers and thumbs waiting for your suggestions!

Juliet Jeske: Carrie Prejean's Sex Tape (VIDEO)

2009-11-13T18:29:50Z

That sex tape of Carrie Prejean no one can get their hands on? It's right here...

8 Carrie Prejean SEX TAPES Unearthed, DOZENS Of Topless Photos: Radar

2009-11-13T17:22:02Z

Prejean sued the Miss California USA pageant but reportedly settled after the sex tape surfaced. She called the sex tape the biggest mistake of her life.

Now a RadarOnline.com investigation has uncovered that there are SEVEN more "biggest mistakes" of her life all of them solo performances, just like the one sex tape that the religious beauty queen has admitted to. And there are 30 photos of Carrie, most topless, some showing everything, and most taken by Carrie using her reflection in a mirror.

David Wild: "Beauty Is Only Skin Deep": A Very Pretty Playlist for Carrie Prejean

2009-11-13T11:13:44Z

Love and hate can be blind, and to date, I've mainly turned a blind eye to news on the very important Carrie Prejean front. This is, after all, a story so full of shallow characters that at one point, I actually seem to recall finding myself on the same side as Donald Trump.

But seeing Ms. Prejean attempt to manhandle the "media" or Larry King the other night reminded me of a lesson I learned long, long ago. For as the late great Dewey Cox came to understand, you can never fully ignore The Temptations.

"BEAUTY IS ONLY SKIN DEEP" - The Temptations
"AIN'T THAT PRETTY AT ALL" - Warren Zevon
"YOU CAN'T JUDGE A BOOK" - Bo Diddley
"MISS AMERICA" - Styx
"CALIFORNIA GIRLS" - The Beach Boys
"PRETTY LOOK ISN'T ALL" - The Heptones
"PRETTY THINGS" - Joe Firstman
"OH YOU PRETTY THING" - David Bowie
"HOT YOU'RE COOL" - General Public
"PRETTY GIRLS MAKE GRAVES" - The Smiths
"UNPRETTY" - TLC
"THE BEAUTY IN UGLY - Jason Mraz
"DEFYING GRAVITY" - The Cast of "Glee"
"SEXY BITCH" - David Guetta
"SKIN DEEP" - The Stranglers

What pretty songs are on your playlist for Carrie Prejean?

Matt Osborne: Palin-Bachmann Syndrome™

2009-11-12T18:51:18Z

The strange nexus of right-wing Christian identity politics and beauty pageants has produced Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, and Carrie Prejean. What is it about their world that turns toxic and causes flaky behavior?

For those who missed it, here is Miss California's meltdown on Larry King Live the other night:

When the biggest story about you is that your lawsuit against a pageant over "religious discrimination" was settled 24 hours after the pageant obtained your sex tape, you can't expect Larry King and Celebrity News Network to avoid the question unless you make it a condition in advance. In which case, you probably won't get the interview and your fifteen minutes are officially over. Prejean shouldn't have gone on a call-in talk show if she wasn't interested in taking, you know, questions.

Prejean had positioned herself to take advantage of right-wing outrage over the way she lost the pageant crown. Her stumbling response to Perez Hilton's question about gay marriage has become exhibit A for culture warriors, who argue that creeping political correctness violates their "right" to despise Teh Gay. Sex tapes are the last thing Prejean wants to talk about. Yet somehow, Miss California had not armed herself with a cover story for her target demographic. Taking off your microphone and walking away is a childish act of childish avoidance, but unwillingness to spin is the only sin left in mass-media.

In modern Christian communities, beauty pageants are an acceptable hobby for young women. Southern belles have more than their share of victories in Miss USA, and every last one of them describes her Christianity at some time in the process. Miss USA itself is a politically conservative organization (which made Hilton's question all the more strange).

By making an underage sex tape, Carrie Prejean had already broken the rules when she gave her answer. Prejean refused an obvious question because the answer was self-evident, and demolishes her credibility in a way that damages her chosen career of media martyr.

The Miss USA pageant set these rules long ago to make the competition acceptable in conservative places; now they produce conservative movement leaders. Sarah Palin is also a former beauty queen, and like Prejean she is also a creature of charismatic Christian identity politics. Her recent behavior, too, has been exceedingly flaky. There was her lengthy, rambling word-salad of a speech, described best by Shannyn Moore:

With such a large national audience, Palin didn't talk about the plethora of issues facing Alaska. Why would she? She has much bigger fish to fry. She decided to slam Ashley Judd instead. Yes, really.

I don't know Ashley Judd, but I like her. I know this must shock the Palinistas; they think I dislike Sarah because she's pretty. According to Palin, she is some sort of Hollywood pixie; a "delicate, tiny, very talented celebrity starlet." I don't judge Ms. Judd on her stunning appearance; but on the criteria of her politics...just like Palin.

Nothing Palin says is apolitical. Her entire world-view consists of what she has learned from the conservative movement itself. As a result of that faith-based education, Sarah doesn't know enough facts to stand up to rational examination. She was weighed, judged, and found wanting -- against Joe Biden, of all people! -- and her poll numbers have plummeted ever since.

In an effort to control her message, Palin's publicity staff has done two things: (A) restrict everything but her book tour to Facebook, and (2) agreed to public speaking events only to deny they'd ever confirmed them and leave event planners in the lurch at the last minute.

Nor were these speeches scheduled for unsympathetic audiences: she was asked to speak at the Ronald Reagan library, even an Alaskan anti-abortion rally. She doesn't hesitate to demand cash, even in Iowa. The 2012 Palin campaign has started by asking for the love-offering up front and insists the event sign a rider. You can see that in the event publicity materials.

The message control is amazingly strict. Press and cameras have been banned from all the appearances she has made, but also cell phones and personal recording devices -- little wonder, as all the speeches she has done have been panned by notetakers. Her 90-minute Hong Kong speech was described by Paul Krugman as "half a Castro" in length.

As if in imitation, Carrie Prejean has gotten in the habit of canceling appearances, too (though not Larry King, for some reason). Another famous conservative woman with a similar background is Michele Bachmann (R-Oppositesland), who placed in the top 10 in the Miss Anoka Pageant and was crowned Miss Congeniality. Today, she has her own action figure and stars in a "conservative women" calendar along with Prejean.

While Bachmann rarely flakes on apearances, she often flakes in person. There's a moment in this video when Michele Bachmann gets too crazy even for Glenn Beck. By happenstance, you don't even have to play the video to see it:

If you do play the video, you'll hear her ask of the US Census:

Do they really need to know our phone numbers? Do they really need to know, like you said, the date and time that we leave...mental stability?

Followed by a prolonged blink.

That's Teh Crazy™.

You know the one question that is not on this survey, Glenn? "Are you a U.S. citizen?"

This is Teh Stupid™, because she also argues that this information can be used to round up Republicans and ship them off to the Glenn Beck doom bunker death panels.

"This would be your perfect opportunity to find out how many illegal aliens are in the United States."

This is Teh Wacky™, wherein reflexive stupidity and and insane scenarios collide at the limits of mental reach. The chances of American government awarding Republicans an all-expenses paid vacation at FEMA death camps are remote. A non-citizen's fear of deportation is far more likely, and rational, by comparison -- and the whole point of the US Census is to count people, not citizens -- it's in their 200-year old charter.

After delivering this nonsense, Bachmann makes another prolonged blink. That blink is a recurring pattern with her special flavor of Teh Wacky™. In poker parlance, it's her tell. Watch as she describes Teh Evil Plan™ to turn school clinics into abortion factories through health care reform:

Blink much?

I wasn't sure what to make of it; I'm no psychologist. So I talked to a friend of mine with a degree in psychology and a fascination for neurolinguistic studies.

But wait, I hear you cry. What is that...neuro lingua thingy again? That's fine; I should explain that neurolinguistics has gotten a bad rep from con men and entertainers, the former group using it for ill and the latter passing it off as "mind-control." Neurolinguistics is the study of verbal and non-verbal cues. In plain English, my friend PistolPro can "read" people in a way similar to Tim Roth's character on Lie To Me.

The problem, he says, is that we'd need a sample of Michele Bachmann telling the truth to serve as a baseline -- and try as I might, I cannot find a video of Bachmann that doesn't have Teh Wacky™ in it. So rather than pursue a more exact diagnosis, I have decided to coin a phrase: Palin-Bachmann Syndrome™, defined as the psychological imbalance produced by a toxic mix of right-wing identity politics and diva training.

Palin-Bachmann Syndrome™ manifests in the following behaviors: rambling, inane "word-salads" while speaking in public; paranoid access-control; espousal of fringe insanity; appeal to prejudices. See also: borderline and narcissistic personality disorders. In rare cases, Palin-Bachmann Syndrome™ can produce strongly offensive behavior:

Won't someone please help these poor women?

Osborne Ink is a Website of Media Deconstruction

"News that's fairly liberal, but never unbalanced"

Andy Borowitz: Carrie Prejean Storms Off Own Sex Tape; Calls Vibrator's Behavior 'Inappropriate'

2009-11-12T18:23:39Z

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - One day after clashing with CNN host Larry King, former Miss California Carrie Prejean showed another flash of anger today, storming off the set of her own sex tape.

While it is unclear what precisely set Ms. Prejean off, she seems to have been riled by the behavior of her vibrator, which appeared in the tape with her.

"I'm sorry, but you are being inappropriate," she snapped at the vibrator before leaving.

The vibrator, which was left to complete the remainder of the sex tape on its own, could not be reached for comment. More here.

Larry King Defends Carrie Prejean Interview: "I Didn't Ask Anything Wrong"

2009-11-12T18:08:44Z

Larry King has responded to his controversial interview with Carrie Prejean, telling "Entertainment Tonight" that he did no wrong.

King told "ET" that he "didn't understand it all" when Prejean call him "inappropriate," removed her microphone and threatened to walk off his show Wednesday night.

"I won't even dignify it," he said. "I didn't ask anything wrong. I didn't know what was inappropriate. I'm doing my job."

Donald Trump agrees. The Miss Universe owner told HLN's "Showbiz Tonight" that he as surprised by Prejean's reaction.

"'Inappropriate' is more of a sexual term, as far as I'm concerned," Trump told "Showbiz Tonight" in an interview to air Thursday. "I mean -- inappropriate? He asked a very, very easy question and I was surprised that she just didn't say, 'Hey, listen, I can't answer that question.' Instead she wants to walk off the stage? It was very surprising."

"Anyway, life goes on," King said.

The interview airs on Thursday's "Entertainment Tonight."

Carrie Prejean: The Bible Allows Breast Implants, My Hairdresser Is Gay

2009-11-12T16:20:52Z

Carrie Prejean is just carrying out God's plan, she tells Christianity Today in an interview that fails to address her solo sex tape--the topic that nearly caused her to walk off 'Larry King Live' Wednesday night.

She also answers a question about her topless photos by discussing a need for Christians to unite against the Enemy and says she can't be homophobic because she lives in California and has gay hairdressers. Then she breaks down her conversion time line in a way that refutes her ex-boyfriend's claim that she sent him the masturbation tape when she was 20, not 17 as she has stated. Here are some highlights:

On when she traded her depraved teenage behavior for Christianity:
I went to Santa Barbara and I found out that it was a big party school, and I just didn't seem to fit in. So after I came back, I started going to San Diego Christian College, and that's where I felt at home...I think that was at a Christian school where it's cool to study on Friday nights, and you don't have the pressure of going out and drinking, and you are surrounded by people who have the same interests as you. That was a big turning point in my life, when I started going to the Rock, when I was about 18.

On finding forgiveness for Perez Hilton:
Oh yeah. I actually feel really sorry for him. I really do. If you look at his website, it's kind of scary what he does.

On reconciling her breast implants with her Christian faith:
No, I don't think there's anything wrong with getting breast implants as a Christian. I think it's a personal decision. I don't see anywhere in the Bible where it says you shouldn't get breast implants.

You can read the Christianity Today interview here.

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Mark Morford: Lou Dobbs Sex Tape Shocker!

2009-11-12T14:41:58Z

The former CNN anchor calls a sex tape he made several years ago "the biggest mistake of my life."

"I swear to all of you reading this right now, when I made that tape I must've been completely drunk on some crazy illegal Mexican hoo-ha, high on some premium Colombian flake, or totally overstimulated by the thought that I might get shot at any minute by dangerous illegal aliens who have it in for me and know where I live, and now I fear for my life every single day because I am just one Terribly Important Person who says Dangerously Important Things," the controversial and widely disliked news anchor did not announce, in a bizarre, rambling letter on his personal blog, DobbsKnobs.com, which does not actually exist, but should.

"I would never make such an immoral thing today. I mean, who has the time? And the appropriate farm animals?"

Oddly echoing semi-famous Christian homophobe/former Miss California Carrie Prejean's words when she herself recently confessed to making a touching sex tape for a boyfriend, a tape allegedly involving nine stuffed pink bunnies, a frozen banana, and Pat Benatar's "Love is a Battlefield," Dobbs went on to add, "[The tape] was for private use, meant only for the eyes of my personal armada of Mexican chambermaids, Chinese manservants, Indian website coders and the two or three Czech bodybuilders I keep around just so I can watch them lift heavy things and glisten in the sun.

"But does that justify what I did? No it does not. I am ashamed," he did not add, sweatily.

"Except for the thing with the frozen enchilada and the monkey. That was pretty awesome. Who knew monkeys were so dexterous? Skip to 14.33 if you want to see it. Damn, was I ever hammered! Woo!"

Whoopi Goldberg Calls Carrie Prejean 'Bitchy,' Joy Spars With Elisabeth On "The View" (VIDEO)

2009-11-12T12:48:19Z

"The View" heated up Thursday morning over Carrie Prejean and her interview Wednesday night with Larry King.

Prejean called King "inappropriate" and threatened to walk off his show after he pried about why she settled her lawsuit with the Miss California pageant.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Sherri Shephered attempted to defend Prejean, arguing that King shouldn't have pushed her on the subject because he should have known it was off-limits. Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg, however, thought Prejean handled herself poorly.

"All I'm asking is, be fair to her," Elisabeth said.

"You know what, she's also got to be fair," Whoopi responded. "We had her on the show, we asked legitimate questions. And maybe they were not the most comfortable, but she was a little bitchy, I have to say....so I'm a little cranky at her."

"I think what she is experiencing is a little of a backlash that maybe is unwarranted in some ways, and she is fighting for her life at this point," Elisabeth said.

"She's the one who put herself out there, she didn't have to write the book!" Joy shot back. "She can go into hiding, nobody would care. They'd say, 'Oh that pretty girl, what happened to her?'"

"Why do you hate her so much?" Elisabeth asked Joy.

"I don't hate her, I hate hypocrisy," Joy responded. "I don't hate her, Elisabeth. Don't say that. It has nothing to do with hate."

WATCH:

Lesley Stern: How to Live on $0 a Day: Assuaging Rage, One Prick at a Time

2009-11-12T10:53:50Z

If you've lived your life believing that hard work, ethics, observing the golden rule and fiscal responsibility will be rewarded, you're probably a little ticked off right now. Okay, you're probably roiling with rage (especially if you stopped taking your anti-depressants because your insurance company canceled you for being depressed).

A lot of that anger comes from a sense of betrayal and helplessness at seeing people who broke every law of decency living high on the hog while the rest of us are hard pressed to afford a swine flu shot (if we could find one).

The logical recourse is to seek justice. You've appealed to their non-existent sense of decency. You've written your elected officials, attorney general, chamber of commerce and better business bureau. Clearly, you can't afford a lawyer. Crank calls and Internet heckling bring no relief. And while sending offenders cat poop in the mail is satisfying, the postage is costly--there are no bulk media rates for mass poop mailings (which REALLY pisses you off). And try as you might, you can't seem to get your friends interested in storming Wall Street or the Capitol because pitchforks are too expensive.

If you're quivering with rage just thinking about it, it's time to take action. I've discovered a way to calm my ire and achieve a semblance of inner peace without costly aids like therapists, tranquilizers, a masseuse or weapons.

Whether your anger is directed at a TARP recipient harassing you for an overdue $69, a vile CEO, pundit or politician, someone who screwed you over, the neighbor's dog, or the waiter who lied when he told you the chef's special chicken was all white meat, my methods ensure that all bad behavior is met with swift and decisive punishment (finally!). I can't tell you how much better you'll feel. Here's how it works: