I used to think I loved iInternet dating, but then I realized I just loved drinking fancy wine that someone else was financing.

What we need to do is allow lesbians to become Boy Scout troop leaders and gay men to become Girl Scout troop leaders.

Hi, come on in and sit down. How have you been? It's been awhile since I've seen you. More than six months, I'd guess. Didn't I say, "See you in six months" the last time you were here? I guess you didn't hear that. I'm sure I said it. No problem, get in the chair, open wide and let's take a look.

Whether you're choking on your Dollar-Menu McNuggets -- or your neighbor is gagging on what Michele Bachmann said on FOX News today -- a restaurant-quality choking poster can come in super-handy!

With a deep enough dive into my life, the government would inevitably come across some of these embarrassingly painful truths -- which would probably disqualify me from gun ownership as well as most other things the Constitution says I can have.

Kyle, stay right there buddy, I promise -- cross my heart -- we'll get back to you really, superquick soon, but it's time for a short commercial break. You're watching News First, where we know that being first isn't everything -- it's the ONLY THING!

Cheech and Chong have been smoking weed consistently since the 1970s, man. So who better to gather on 4/20 and test some of the most famous stereotypes about pot?

Welcome to the School of How to Correctly Form a Line. Please find your seats and let's get started. I'd have you all line up, but clearly you are incapable of doing that, which is why you have been ordered to attend this one-day seminar.

Comedy is the voice of an undercurrent that is constantly asking us to do better. The most tragic moments in my life have provided me with the best material, whether for the stage or writing or for my personal growth.

You know me -- I love all of God's children. Unless of course, they're threatening to nuke my country -- to which, I take great offense.

If you lived in Santa Barbara for the last 30 years there is a good chance that Jonathan Winters was your friend. He knew no strangers, and as he ambled around the upscale pueblo of Montecito it was very likely that he would grant you a JW encounter to cherish forever.

I would know a whole lot less if Wikipedia didn't exist. A day rarely passes by without something piquing my interest and then suddenly I'm learning all about the mating rituals of porpoises.

Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli has challenged a recent court ruling finding Virginia's anti-sodomy law unconstitutional ... A three-judge pa...

The old guys in charge always make me so mad/

They say I'm too young and not tough like my Dad

Stefon is three years old this month. Sure, he's a hypersexual three-year-old with unstoppable daddy issues who potentially disposes of exes by murdering them and taking them to the Carribean. But he is celebrating a birthday. We should celebrate.

I'm hoping Tiger Woods is contending for I can't wait to see his reaction when I duck under the gallery ropes and say, "Mr. Woods (or Tiger; I haven't decided yet), I'm a big fan and I have a great short game. Would you mind if I hit your shot for you?"

I was on Match.com -- no applause, please -- and I was leaving the site because my membership was up. I thought before I jumped ship I'd just respond to a few guys who'd messaged me. I thought, "What's the worst that could happen? Live a little." Here is the rundown of exactly what happened: