Jeffrey Toobin

Biden Prepares 50,000-Word Acceptance Speech

Andy Borowitz | Posted 08.19.2008 | Politics


Andy Borowitz

Representatives of television news divisions said they were undecided as to how to cover the Biden speech, but none were willing to commit to covering it live in its entirety.

Poll: Obama Faring Poorly Among Racists

Andy Borowitz | Posted 08.18.2008 | Politics


Andy Borowitz

Likely bigots chose McCain over Obama by a margin of one thousand to one, with a majority of racists saying they "strongly disagree" with Sen. Obama's decision not to be white.

China's Gold Medals Found to Have High Lead Content

Andy Borowitz | Posted 08.13.2008 | Entertainment


Andy Borowitz

The medals, which were supposed to be made entirely of gold, were instead found to be composed of 99% lead alloy and coated with a gold-colored lead-based paint.

Athlete without Compelling Personal Drama Expelled from Olympics

Andy Borowitz | Posted 08.11.2008 | Entertainment


Andy Borowitz

A member of the U.S. Olympic diving team was disqualified from competition today when it was learned that he did not have a sufficiently compelling human storyline to exploit on NBC.

Enquirer Publishes Photo of Baby with $400 Haircut

Andy Borowitz | Posted 08.08.2008 | Politics


Andy Borowitz

Minutes after John Edwards admitted having an extramarital affair during the 2008 campaign, a supermarket tabloid published potentially explosive photos of an infant with a $400 haircut.

New Cell Phone Risks Cause Panic Among Assholes

Andy Borowitz | Posted 08.04.2008 | Living


Andy Borowitz

With a new doctor's warning that cell phone use could pose a serious health risk, many jerks and douchebags are considering changing their ways.

Britney, Paris Air Savage Anti-McCain Ad

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.31.2008 | Politics


Andy Borowitz

Ms. Hilton said she was also "offended" by the implication that she and Ms. Spears favor a tax on electricity: "We have both been very clear on that issue."

Obama Leads McCain in Frequent Flyer Miles

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.28.2008 | Politics


Andy Borowitz

While polls show the two candidates locked in a close electoral race, Obama's impressive frequent flyer mile haul this month may put the contest for the most miles out of McCain's reach.

McCain Makes Historic First Visit to Internet

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.21.2008 | Politics


Andy Borowitz

McCain aides said that the senator's journey to the Internet will span five days and will take him to such far-flung sites as Amazon.com, eBay and Facebook.

Obama Releases List of Approved Jokes About Himself

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.15.2008 | Politics


Andy Borowitz

Saying he is "sympathetic to late night comedians' struggle to find jokes to make about me," Sen. Obama today issued a list of official campaign-approved Barack Obama jokes.

McCain Issues Top Ten Funniest Ways to Kill Iranians

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.09.2008 | Politics


Andy Borowitz

McCain, who yesterday commented that the U.S. could kill Iranians with cigarettes, was apparently "just warming up," one aide said today.

Obama Posing Threat to Rock Stars, Rock Stars Fear

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.08.2008 | Politics


Andy Borowitz

The presumptive Democratic nominee's decision to address a crowd of 75,000 fans at Invesco was "the last straw," says singer Jon Bon Jovi.

Liberal Bloggers Accuse Obama of Trying to Win Election

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.02.2008 | Politics


Andy Borowitz

Suspicions about Sen. Obama's true motives have been building over the past few weeks, but not until today have the bloggers called him out for betraying the Democratic Party's losing tradition.

McCain Proposes Tax Holiday for Beer Heiresses

Andy Borowitz | Posted 06.29.2008 | Politics


Andy Borowitz

The senator took great pains to indicate that the tax holiday would not be available to all brewery heiresses, "Just those with a net worth of over 100 million dollars."

Cindy McCain Robot Gets New Head

Andy Borowitz | Posted 06.21.2008 | Politics


Andy Borowitz

"This new head is going to enable the Cindy McCain robot to do things that it could never do before," said McCain aide Davison Matz. "For one thing, it will now be able to talk."

McCain: Sunnis, Shiites "Trying to Confuse Me"

Andy Borowitz | Posted 06.16.2008 | Politics


Andy Borowitz

Sen. McCain reserved his harshest words for the Shiites, who he said were trying to confuse him by sometimes referring to themselves as "Shiites" and other times as "Shia."

Fist Bump Overshadows Ass-Slap

Andy Borowitz | Posted 06.12.2008 | Politics


Andy Borowitz

The obsession with Barack and Michelle's "fist bump" on national TV last week has caused the media to ignore an equally important gesture that the couple shared just moments later.

McCain Vows to Campaign in All Thirteen Colonies

Andy Borowitz | Posted 06.09.2008 | Politics


Andy Borowitz

At a campaign stop in the Dominion of Virginia, Sen. McCain said that if Sen. Obama takes any of the thirteen colonies for granted, "he doth so at his peril."

Bill Clinton Updates Facebook Profile

Andy Borowitz | Posted 06.05.2008 | Politics


Andy Borowitz

Visitors to Mr. Clinton's profile page at Facebook noticed that minutes after Mrs. Clinton suspended her campaign, President Clinton updated his status from "Married" to "It's Complicated."

Hillary in Limbo

Marcia G. Yerman | Posted 06.04.2008 | Politics


Marcia G. Yerman

While there was talk about how historic it was that an African-American won the nomination of his party, every comment was punctuated by the questions about Hillary.

It's Over! Mostly! La Fin Du Primary Season

Huffington Post | Rachel Sklar | Posted 06.04.2008 | Media


Expect to hear a lot about Charlie Crist, Katherine Sebellius, Jim Webb, Bobby Jindal, Chuck Hagel, Joe Biden, Wes Clark, Tim Kaine, and, thanks to precedent, Jim Johnson -- but for now this is what we noticed from last night's coverage, in no particular order.

Straight Man Accidentally Sees Sex and the City

Andy Borowitz | Posted 06.03.2008 | Entertainment


Andy Borowitz

A spokesman for New Line Cinema said that the film grossed $55 million over the weekend but that Mr. Colton was the only heterosexual man known to have seen it.

Hillary Rejects, Denounces Self

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.24.2008 | Politics


Andy Borowitz

Sen. Clinton offered an explanation for her comments about the late Sen. Kennedy, saying, "I am still suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder as a result of my service in the Bosnian army."

Jason Linkins

CNN Panelist Defends Use Of 'Bitch' As Pejorative

HuffingtonPost.com | Jason Linkins | Posted 05.20.2008 | Politics


Paging Geraldine Ferraro! When it comes to sexism, there exists a more fertile ground to critique than obscure hip-hop gestures. And, there are more ...

Hillary: Votes of Imaginary Friends Must Be Counted

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.20.2008 | Politics


Andy Borowitz

While Sen. Clinton refused to put an exact number on her legions of imaginary voters, she said that they were "in the zillions."


 

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