Jeffrey Toobin

Biden Prepares 50,000-Word Acceptance Speech

Andy Borowitz | Posted 08.19.2008 | Politics

Read More: Barack Obama Vice President, Vice President, Andy Borowitz, NBC News, Joseph Biden, Obama Vice President, Joe Biden, Joy Behar, Jeffrey Toobin, Barack Obama, Politics News
Andy Borowitz

Representatives of television news divisions said they were undecided as to how to cover the Biden speech, but none were willing to commit to covering it live in its entirety.

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Poll: Obama Faring Poorly Among Racists

Andy Borowitz | Posted 08.18.2008 | Politics

Read More: Andy Borowitz, Jeffrey Toobin, Joy Behar, Barack Obama, Racists, Obama Poll, "Sen. Obama", Obama Mccain Poll, Poll Obama Mccain, Politics News
Andy Borowitz

Likely bigots chose McCain over Obama by a margin of one thousand to one, with a majority of racists saying they "strongly disagree" with Sen. Obama's decision not to be white.

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China's Gold Medals Found to Have High Lead Content

Andy Borowitz | Posted 08.13.2008 | Entertainment

Read More: Andy Borowitz, Joy Behar, Jeffrey Toobin, Beijing Olympics, Olympics, China, Michael Phelps, Gold Medals Lead, Lead Gold Medals, Jiang Qimin, China Gold Medals, Chinese Gold Medals, Chinese Medal Lead, Lead in Gold Medals, Gold Medals Made of Lead, What Are Gold Medals Made Of, Entertainment News
Andy Borowitz

The medals, which were supposed to be made entirely of gold, were instead found to be composed of 99% lead alloy and coated with a gold-colored lead-based paint.

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Athlete without Compelling Personal Drama Expelled from Olympics

Andy Borowitz | Posted 08.11.2008 | Entertainment

Read More: Dick Ebersol, Andy Borowitz, Joy Behar, Jeffrey Toobin, Beijing Olympics, Olympics, China, Entertainment News
Andy Borowitz

A member of the U.S. Olympic diving team was disqualified from competition today when it was learned that he did not have a sufficiently compelling human storyline to exploit on NBC.

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Enquirer Publishes Photo of Baby with $400 Haircut

Andy Borowitz | Posted 08.08.2008 | Politics

Read More: John Edwards, Andy Borowitz, Jeffrey Toobin, Joy Behar, Sex, Elizabeth Edwards Video, Edwards Affair, Rielle Hunter and John Edwards, Rielle Hunter, Ed, Picture of Edwards and Baby, Photo of Edwards Baby, Baby Photos, Politics News
Andy Borowitz

Minutes after John Edwards admitted having an extramarital affair during the 2008 campaign, a supermarket tabloid published potentially explosive photos of an infant with a $400 haircut.

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New Cell Phone Risks Cause Panic Among Assholes

Andy Borowitz | Posted 08.04.2008 | Living

Read More: Cell Phones, Andy Borowitz, Jeffrey Toobin, Joy Behar, Health, Techology, Living News
Andy Borowitz

With a new doctor's warning that cell phone use could pose a serious health risk, many jerks and douchebags are considering changing their ways.

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Britney, Paris Air Savage Anti-McCain Ad

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.31.2008 | Politics

Read More: Paris Hilton, John McCain, Andy Borowitz, Britney Spears, Joy Behar, Jeffrey Toobin, Barack Obama, Politics News
Andy Borowitz

Ms. Hilton said she was also "offended" by the implication that she and Ms. Spears favor a tax on electricity: "We have both been very clear on that issue."

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Obama Leads McCain in Frequent Flyer Miles

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.28.2008 | Politics

Read More: John McCain, Andy Borowitz, Jeffrey Toobin, Joy Behar, Barack Obama, Politics News
Andy Borowitz

While polls show the two candidates locked in a close electoral race, Obama's impressive frequent flyer mile haul this month may put the contest for the most miles out of McCain's reach.

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McCain Makes Historic First Visit to Internet

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.21.2008 | Politics

Read More: John McCain, Andy Borowitz, Joy Behar, Jeffrey Toobin, Barack Obama, John McCain Internet, Mccain Internet, Politics News
Andy Borowitz

McCain aides said that the senator's journey to the Internet will span five days and will take him to such far-flung sites as Amazon.com, eBay and Facebook.

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Obama Releases List of Approved Jokes About Himself

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.15.2008 | Politics

Read More: The New Yorker, Andy Borowitz, Jeffrey Toobin, Joy Behar, Barack Obama, Politics News
Andy Borowitz

Saying he is "sympathetic to late night comedians' struggle to find jokes to make about me," Sen. Obama today issued a list of official campaign-approved Barack Obama jokes.

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McCain Issues Top Ten Funniest Ways to Kill Iranians

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.09.2008 | Politics

Read More: Iran, John McCain, Andy Borowitz, Christe Brinkely, Jeffrey Toobin, Joy Behar, Politics News
Andy Borowitz

McCain, who yesterday commented that the U.S. could kill Iranians with cigarettes, was apparently "just warming up," one aide said today.

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Obama Posing Threat to Rock Stars, Rock Stars Fear

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.08.2008 | Politics

Read More: John McCain, Andy Borowitz, Jon Bon Jovi, Aerosmith, Metallica, Joy Behar, Jeffrey Toobin, Barack Obama, Politics News
Andy Borowitz

The presumptive Democratic nominee's decision to address a crowd of 75,000 fans at Invesco was "the last straw," says singer Jon Bon Jovi.

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Liberal Bloggers Accuse Obama of Trying to Win Election

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.02.2008 | Politics

Read More: Walter Mondale, Michael Dukakis, Andy Borowitz, Joy Behar, Jeffrey Toobin, John Kerry, Barack Obama, Politics News
Andy Borowitz

Suspicions about Sen. Obama's true motives have been building over the past few weeks, but not until today have the bloggers called him out for betraying the Democratic Party's losing tradition.

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McCain Proposes Tax Holiday for Beer Heiresses

Andy Borowitz | Posted 06.29.2008 | Politics

Read More: John McCain, Andy Borowitz, Jeffrey Toobin, Joy Behar, Cindy McCain, Politics News
Andy Borowitz

The senator took great pains to indicate that the tax holiday would not be available to all brewery heiresses, "Just those with a net worth of over 100 million dollars."

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Cindy McCain Robot Gets New Head

Andy Borowitz | Posted 06.21.2008 | Politics

Read More: John McCain, Andy Borowitz, Jeffrey Toobin, Joy Behar, George W. Bush, Cindy McCain, Politics News
Andy Borowitz

"This new head is going to enable the Cindy McCain robot to do things that it could never do before," said McCain aide Davison Matz. "For one thing, it will now be able to talk."

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McCain: Sunnis, Shiites "Trying to Confuse Me"

Andy Borowitz | Posted 06.16.2008 | Politics

Read More: John McCain, Andy Borowitz, Shiites, Sunnis, Kurds, Iraq, Joy Behar, Jeffrey Toobin, Politics News
Andy Borowitz

Sen. McCain reserved his harshest words for the Shiites, who he said were trying to confuse him by sometimes referring to themselves as "Shiites" and other times as "Shia."

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Fist Bump Overshadows Ass-Slap

Andy Borowitz | Posted 06.12.2008 | Politics

Read More: Michelle Obama, Andy Borowitz, ED Hill, Jeffrey Toobin, Joy Behar, Barack Obama, Politics News
Andy Borowitz

The obsession with Barack and Michelle's "fist bump" on national TV last week has caused the media to ignore an equally important gesture that the couple shared just moments later.

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McCain Vows to Campaign in All Thirteen Colonies

Andy Borowitz | Posted 06.09.2008 | Politics

Read More: John McCain, Andy Borowitz, Joy Behar, Jeffrey Toobin, Barack Obama, Politics News
Andy Borowitz

At a campaign stop in the Dominion of Virginia, Sen. McCain said that if Sen. Obama takes any of the thirteen colonies for granted, "he doth so at his peril."

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Bill Clinton Updates Facebook Profile

Andy Borowitz | Posted 06.05.2008 | Politics

Read More: Howard Wolfson, John McCain, Andy Borowitz, Hllary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Jeffrey Toobin, Facebook, Joy Behar, Barack Obama, Politics News
Andy Borowitz

Visitors to Mr. Clinton's profile page at Facebook noticed that minutes after Mrs. Clinton suspended her campaign, President Clinton updated his status from "Married" to "It's Complicated."

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Hillary in Limbo

Marcia G. Yerman | Posted 06.04.2008 | Politics

Read More: Dan Abrams, Hillary Clinton, Gloria Borges, Jeffrey Toobin, Rachel Maddow, Barack Obama, Barack Obama Hillary Clinton, Vice President, Politics News
Marcia G. Yerman

While there was talk about how historic it was that an African-American won the nomination of his party, every comment was punctuated by the questions about Hillary.

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It's Over! Mostly! La Fin Du Primary Season

Huffington Post | Rachel Sklar | Posted 06.04.2008 | Media

Read More: Karl Rove, Michelle Obama, Obama Nominee, Keith Olbermann, Brit Hume, Chris Matthews, Brian Williams, Dream Ticket, Barack Obama, Dan Abrams, David Gergen, Primary Season, Chris Matthews Thrill Obama, Hillary Speech, Obama VP, Alex Castellanos, Hillary Clinton, Jeffrey Toobin, Gloria Borger, Media News

Expect to hear a lot about Charlie Crist, Katherine Sebellius, Jim Webb, Bobby Jindal, Chuck Hagel, Joe Biden, Wes Clark, Tim Kaine, and, thanks to precedent, Jim Johnson -- but for now this is what we noticed from last night's coverage, in no particular order.

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Straight Man Accidentally Sees Sex and the City

Andy Borowitz | Posted 06.03.2008 | Entertainment

Read More: Sex and the City, Andy Borowitz, Joy Behar, Jeffrey Toobin, Sarah Jessica Parker, Entertainment News
Andy Borowitz

A spokesman for New Line Cinema said that the film grossed $55 million over the weekend but that Mr. Colton was the only heterosexual man known to have seen it.

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Hillary Rejects, Denounces Self

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.24.2008 | Politics

Read More: Bill Clinton, Andy Borowitz, Bobby Kennedy, Rfk, Terry McAuliffe, Hillary Clinton, American Airlines, Jeffrey Toobin, Joy Behar, Politics News
Andy Borowitz

Sen. Clinton offered an explanation for her comments about the late Sen. Kennedy, saying, "I am still suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder as a result of my service in the Bosnian army."

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Jason Linkins

CNN Panelist Defends Use Of 'Bitch' As Pejorative

HuffingtonPost.com | Jason Linkins | Posted 05.20.2008 | Politics

Read More: Alex Castellanos, Hillary Clinton, Jeffrey Toobin, Cnn, Politics News

Paging Geraldine Ferraro! When it comes to sexism, there exists a more fertile ground to critique than obscure hip-hop gestures. And, there are more ...

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Hillary: Votes of Imaginary Friends Must Be Counted

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.20.2008 | Politics

Read More: Hillary Clinton, Andy Borowitz, Joy Behar, Jeffrey Toobin, Barack Obama, Politics News
Andy Borowitz

While Sen. Clinton refused to put an exact number on her legions of imaginary voters, she said that they were "in the zillions."

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