09/10/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Big Brother 11 : The Empire Strikes Out.

[Editorial Note: Darlings, I know my Big Brother Column is very late this week. I apologize to all of you whom I know hang on my every word, and can't get through the day without my wisdom. My computer was infected with a nasty virus (I've told Dougie to wear rubber gloves when he touches it. He has every communicable disease known to man, a remnant of his uncivilized Christian Science upbringing,) so I was unable to get online, and the computer doctor couldn't make a housecall until Monday. To make up for the tardiness, I've made it a bit longer than usual. The extra jokes are your reward for being patient.]

Long, long ago (last Thursday), in a galaxy far, far away (Studio City), celebrations rang out all across the galaxy celebrating The Fall of Emperor Palpatwit, The Dork Lord of the Sith (remember to shift the "h" over two places to the left for Sith's true meaning), vanquished by Darth Russell, with the assistance of The Doctor (Dr. Michele that is), in her Big Brother Tardis. Let us now savor the Downfall of the Sith in all its glory.

On last Sunday's episode we finally saw the end of the spinning-ride endurance ordeal for Head of Household. Natalie called the spinning HOH competition "an amusement park ride from hell," which shows she's never visited Disney's California Adventure, which I believe the HOH ride was borrowed from. It looked awfully Mickey Mouse to me. On the other hand, I've never seen Russell strip off his shirt while I was riding anything at California Adventure.

Jessie called Russell a "loose cannon." A "Loose Cannon" is anyone who doesn't let Jessie do their thinking for them, which begs the question: who does Jessie's thinking for him? He isn't equipped for it. At one point Jessie called Pain "the worst feeling in the world." In the immortal words of Addison DeWitt, "You have a point; an idiotic one, but a point."

I loved seeing Chima getting battered and abused by the HOH spinner ride diploma. I've made a loop of it into my PC wallpaper.

When Russell, after getting hit with the giant diploma (the first diploma of any size he's ever seen), shouted "Come on! Hit me with a hard one!" I had to tackle Little Dougie, who types up all my columns for me, to prevent him from dashing out the door and sprinting over to the Big Brother House in nearby Studio City, to try and grant Russell's request.

When Jeff said to Russell, "I feel like I'm the bottom, you know what I mean? I'm scared to give it up." Little Dougie was moved to tears, and wanted to give Jeff the first-gland benefit of his extensive Giving-It-Up experience. Russell topping and Jeff bottoming? Chi Chi, you must direct!

Jordan had to assign have-not status for the week, and chose to do it via a completely-fair lottery. When Jessie pulled Have-Not status, he showed his basic level of maturity by whining like a baby about it, bitching, in a dramatic show of his grammatical mastery, "My fate are in the hands of Jordan!"

Natalie immediately went against the Get-Palpatwit plan, and began campaigning to get rid of Lydia, her rival in her imaginary romantic relationship with Jessie.

The Dork Lord provided real laughs by deciding to try and get America to give him the Mystery Power. Palpie: "My only hope for winning the power is if America's like 'Hmmm. Ronnie, we know, would actually use the power in a wise fashion'."

Palpatwit, if you're reading this (and I know you have Internet access again, so "Hello dork!"):

1. America calls you "The Dork Lord" or "Emperor Palpatwit," not "Ronnie."

2. America has been watching you, so they know that "using the power in a wise fashion" is outside your range.

3. Besides, there is no such thing as using a Big Brother power "in a wise fashion."

4. When America thinks, it doesn't put its index finger to its lips, go "Hmmm," and act like a 13 year old girl choosing her dream cast for the next Twilight movie. And...

5. America hates you.

Apparently forgetting that his Diary Room confessionals are telecast, Palpie, wallowing in imaginary power, said: "I would looooove to wield the power omnipotently, like a Jedi Knight! Whoomp! Whoomp!" Palpie, you've forgotten that you announced yourself as a Sith Master, the opposite of a Jedi Knight. (Two can play the Star Wars geek references game, Dorky.)

Then they cut directly to Palpie making his pathetic appeal to us at home to vote for him: "Please America, I promise I'll use it for good. This good." America's skin crawled, and votes for Jeff skyrocketed. If only Cat Deeley could have strolled over from So You Think You Can Dance to announce "Over 20 million votes were cast, and Palpie, you got six of them."

Palpie: "I got six million votes?"

Cat: "No. Six votes, and they were all from the same phone. Your parents voted for Dr. Michele."

Once installed as HOH, Russell came on to Jeff, I mean, cemented their alliance. Russell told Jeff with astonishing frankness, "I was very, very impressed with your ass." I am also, although his pecs are the real eye-grabbers.

"When I saw like your family and stuff," Jeff said, "you come from the same family I do." They're brothers? And they never knew it until now? Wow! They are like the hot version of Cowboy and Nikomis.

Russell then said to Jeff, "I wanted to talk to you about partnering up." Hello? Is he proposing Gay Marriage? Do I get a vote? (I vote "Yes!")

Lydia immediately began trying to work Russell, but it consisted of climbing into bed with him, and playing coy and cutesy, unable to see that...

A. Her every move was repulsing Russell, and

B. Russell was still in his Jeff-Honeymoon afterglow.

Palpatwit told us in the diary room of his attempts to win over Russell: "I can be very persuasive at times, when I want to be, and I am a good manipulator." No. What he is is severely disconnected from Reality.

Jessie nominated Lydia and Palpatwit, while Lydia pouted like a very angry, tattooed four-year-old.

Said Jeff of Russell's and his agreement: "He upholded every part of it." Apparently, since Jeff proudly doesn't read, he never learned the word "upheld." We need to start a Jeff-To-English Dictionary, where we'll find words like "upholded" and "technotronics."

"I am going to fight like H - E - double-hockey sticks," said Lydia, further reinforcing her image as a tattooed pep club cheerleader.

Russell: "I hope [The Dork Lord] does not get this mystery power and turn us all into frogs." I agree. That would be just awful. Who wants to watch nine weeks of frogs sitting around a house, croaking? Imagine how dull these recaps would be! Russell, the Sun glistening off his broad, muscled, green, warty back, said: "Ribit. Ribit." Lydia, who has the brain if a tadpole if you ask me, angrily replied, "Ribit."Suddenly Jessie, who is built like a horny toad, shouted, "Ribit!" I'd lose my mind -- again!

Palpatwit gave this idiotic speech: "Russell said that he was the mongoose that was going to kill this snake. Well Russell, what you don't realize is I'm not just a snake [so he admits he's a snake!] I'm a King Cobra, [Well, to be honest, he's more of a Queen Cobra], and many times the King Cobra kills the mongoose." Not this time though.

Then came Tuesday's episode. Emperor Palpatwit tried fake crying on Russell, and while I doubt even real crying would have moved Russ, Palpie's lousy acting had no chance. Is the Dork Lord CGI? Is he really just Andy Sirkis in a motion-capture suit somewhere in New Zealand?

Chima is insane. She thinks she's funny. She is not. Chima: "I don't know what kind of privileges I have." Braying laugh. "That sucks." Braying laugh. Chima, what are you laughing at? These are not jokes! She thinks she can use her sexual wiles to wrap Russell around her little talon. She's incredibly jealous of any woman who speaks to Russ, even Palpatwit. Chima is deranged.

She was trying to get Russell to support evicting Lydia. Russell was sticking to his Get-Rid-of-The-Rat plan. "This is your week, and I'll do what you want," Chima lied.

Natalie, speaking to Jessie about Lydia, said, "She's trying to break you and I up." Natalie, you and Jessie are not a couple. Jessie is a couple all by himself. He's practically a Triple. That's now Chima, Natalie, Lydia, and Palpatwit who are all utterly delusional. If one more houseguest takes up residence in a private fantasy world, Big Brother will officially no longer be "Reality Television." Donald Duck cartoons are more real, and they star a 6-foot-tall duck who speaks English. They should all be wearing banana suits!

The POV competition involved guessing amounts, and then deciding to "Stay" or Fold." If you fold, you can't be eliminated, but you also can't win points. Palpatwit's idiot strategy was to fold every time, since it meant he couldn't be eliminated, but since it also meant he couldn't acquire points, he couldn't win either, so it just took him longer to lose to The Doctor.

Palpatwit's next save-his-butt strategy was based on the untrue cliche "Everyone has his price." This ancient idea, which is really just a restatement of "Everyone is a whore," is not now, and never has been, true. Ethical people exist. People who can't be bought exist. And the only thing Palpatwit could offer Dr. Michele that she wants, is his absence.

"I swear I've been nothing but honest with you," Palaptwit lied to Doc Michele. The Doctor, being actually smart rather than just self-announced smart, didn't buy a word from him. The Doctor has defeated the Daleks, the Slitheen, and the Cybermen repeatedly; Palpatwit is no match for her.

A plan floated about for Dr. Michele to take Lydia down and have Russell then put up Chima. I would have been fine with this plan, but it didn't pan out. Chima however, did as much as she could to encourage it, by behaving all week like a jealous, deranged harpy. Jealous, sane harpies are bad enough.

Palpatwit told us, "I tried compassionately and very politely stating to Michele the obvious benefits of me staying [There is no such thing as "an obvious benefit" to Palpatwit staying.], now it was time to be a little more forceful," so he tried charming her with threats. This is a little like my cat meowing that if I don't get up and feed him right this minute, he'll meow more.

The Dork Lord came out with this assessment of himself vs. The Doctor: "She's touched. She's stupid. She has a bunch of 'Book Smarts.' [What we in Reality call: "an education."] She has no common sense." This is the Black Hole at the center of The Universe calling President Obama black. He's barely tan.

All things considered, Chima was very lucky that The Doctor decided not to use the Power of Veto on anyone. Doc Michele did get off a funny by saying, "[Palpatwit], I'm giving you the chance to lie first. I mean speak."

So the Dork Lord replied to her: "I definitely would not ask for you to use [POV] on me, nor would I expect you to, but I respect your decision either way." As his exit speech Thursday showed, she was right about him lying.

Lydia said, "Michele, you already know what I am going to say ... You're rad. You rock..." The Doctor has a doctorate. She would have no way of knowing that a seemingly sentient person was about to say "You're rad," to her. Strip away Lydia's tattoos and you have a spoiled sorority girl. Tattooed circus freaks call her body art: "a tad excessive."

On Thursday's live eviction episode, Jordan was seen wearing sunglasses, of which she said, "I wanted to look smart." Jordan dear, that would require surgery, starting with a brain transplant.

In conversation with Jordan, Dr. Michele revealed that she reads books. FREAK! Russell doesn't believe people talk about books. I believe Russell doesn't believe people talk about books. No one he knows ever talks about books, beyond "Pass me that - ah - ah - ah - 'book' please. One leg of this table is too short." Of course, Dr. Michele was talking about books to Jordan, who doesn't know what they are, having never read Dick & Jane Learn to Tell Time.

When Russell and Chima were arguing, they must have been going through a bad reception zone, as we kept losing words. Either that, or they have mouths that would embarrass sailors.

Jordan said, referring to Chima, "That girl is sassy." Sassy must be Southern for insane.

Chima said Russell has "Ugly-Ass Cauliflower ears." She should seriously reconsider making cheap insults about other people's looks. I say no more.

The Dork Lord to Jessie: "I'm going home. I accept it." Lie! "She hates what I did in the game, but I don't think she hates me as a person." Palpie, everyone in America hates you as a person. In fact, are you a "person"?

Jordan: "I did like kissing Jeff." Could that have been because at the time he was half-naked and lying on top of her in her bed? Just asking.

Jordan and Jeff's tryst was interrupted by Palpatwit, using his infallible Sith mind powers to pick the worst possible time to try and win votes with lies: "I am a man [Questionable at best], I am a humble winner ["Thank you, God! Emperor Palpatine Wins!!!" Humble] and a gracious loser ["Waaaaahhhhh!!!! I want my imaginary wife!" Gracious] and I try to handle everything with class." [Fart noise] Yeah, Coitus Interruptus plus lies and a romantic fart noise. That'll get you Jordan's vote for sure.

Palpatwit, you idiot; if you want either of their votes - Leave! It doesn't occur to him that a man and a woman alone in bed together in the dark of night might want to have sex. Maybe he is married! Palpie blabbed on while Jordan and Jeff went on making out, trying to ignore him. In future, when trying to delay orgasm, American men will no longer think of baseball players; they'll think of The Dork Lord.

Since Julie Chenbot is now so - ah - large with child, and since she didn't elect to use a surrogate mother, how about we get a surrogate hostess? My TV may show the whole widescreen image, but it isn't in Cinerama for Heaven's sake. (Just kidding Julie, although yellow? Really? I thought maybe you were wearing a lemon suit to go with Casey's banana suit.)

Funniest Moment of the Week: Jeff pronouncing coup d'etat as "coop dee tah" Well, he doesn't read English; how could they expect him to read French? The Voice of God had to correct his illiteracy. I'm a believer in "If you can't say it, you can't play it."

Lydia came to the eviction ceremony wearing a black bar across her face, like girls in 16mm 1960s porn. I wore a similar one in Axel's Acting Lesson, a short subject I was in accidentally (I didn't know there were hidden cameras) about 60 years ago.

The Dork Lord's "save me" speech went something like, "My imaginary wife, who is a big white bunny named Harvey, told me you always have to try and see the good inside of everyone." Well, of course he has to look for good in others; he has none in himself. "There's so much good in all of you..." Well not inside Jordan. Palpie interrupted Jeff before he could get his good inside of her.

The Dork Lord's attempt to sway Dr. Michele's swing vote was to say: "I'm gonna be nice and just simply say: you're absolutely the worst human being I've ever had the misfortune of meeting." What is he like when he's mean? Apparently he's never met Osama Bin Laden or Dick Cheney, you know, genuinely evil people. He's certainly never met himself. He's been to Paradise, but he's never been to he. And all this was because The Doctor didn't use her Power of Veto to save him. Wait until he finds out that Jeff had the power to save him also.

If only Dr. Michele had had the presence of mind to reply "Gee Palpatwit, I was going to vote for you, but you put a stop to that." I guess she was still woozy from being essentially savaged by a mouse. Instead Julie Chenbot had to point out that that was a ridiculously ill-advised vote-getting speech. When your ploys are being dissed by Jule Chenbot, you are not the smartest person in the house, or even on a petri dish.

Let us look at some of the votes:

Kevin remained loyal to Lydia. What does he see in her? But then, I can't figure out what Kevin's partner of 9 years sees in him either. Maybe their home is in Low-Def, because in Hi-Def, he's an unappetising wad of flesh.

Natalie remained true to her rivalry with Lydia for the imaginary affections of Jessie. This show has more imaginary creatures in it than The Lord of the Rings.

Speaking of which, Chima remained loyal to her own view of reality, and voted to evict Queen Galadriel of the Wood Elves.

Jessie voted to evict Lydia. Much as I wanted The Dork Lord out, I can't blame Jessie for trying to evict the woman who stares at him while he sleeps, disturbing his dreams of baby unicorns. (Lydia thinks Jessie's dreams are all like The Pastoral Symphony sequence in Fantasia.) Besides, Lydia is "in love" with Jessie, and since Jessie is also in love with Jessie, he can't keep a romantic rival for himself in the house. "How dare she try to come between me and myself?"

I loved Palpatwit's dorky pose at the door, giving the same pose he probably uses when he comes out of his bedroom in his parents' house for dinner each evening with his imaginary wife. Very "Liza!" He touched audience members' hands as he exited, but we cut away before we could see those hands wither. Where he walks, a weed has grown.

I couldn't hear the exit interview over all the fireworks noise coming from the Moons of Endor, as the Ewoks celebrated the Downfall of Emperor Palpatwit. I do hope he makes his way here to read my columns, as he now has nothing better to do than play his pathetic video games. I did manage to pick out Palpie saying that Dr. Michele has "no absolute loyalty to anyone in that house other than her," which is a perfect description of Palpatwit, including the feminine pronoun. It does make sense for him to hate Dr. Michele above all the other houseguests, as she is actually "The Smartest Person in the House," unless someone offers a doctorate in Dorkhood.

Chima's goodbye message: "If you're seeing this, my vote didn't count, and that really upsets me." Note the phrasing. She isn't upset that Palpie is gone. (No one could be, except his Imaginary Wife, who will now have to resume performing her Imaginary Wifely Duty. No one has had such a repulsive gig since Pat Nixon died.) Chima is upset that her vote didn't count. It's always all about her with her. She's as narcissistic as Jessie, without the looks to be narcissistic about.

Dr. Michele, instead of giving her own goodbye message, read the one I wrote for her: "Get the heck out the door, you dork!"

Chima is the new Head of Household, but it doesn't mean squat, since the real power lies secretly in Jeff's capable nipples, I mean hands. This does make the next two episodes meaningless. It doesn't matter who is nominated, and it doesn't matter who wins Power of Veto; all that matters is what Jeff decides to do next Thursday.

Till next week, cheers darlings.

To read more of Tallulah Morehead, go to:
The Morehead the Merrier.