Drama Queens: Random Thoughts While Watching The Tony Awards Show
The Tony Awards is the show where folks who even I, after a century of acting in theater and movies, have never heard of, thank other people I've never heard of, for roles in plays I haven't seen.
It opened with Sir Elton John performing a song from Billy Elliot as young boys danced with chairs, and one even flew through the air. I felt like I was watching Michael Jackson's erotic fantasies. Ew.
Thanks to horrific sound mixing, the opening medley of songs from nominated musicals was a ghastly mess. At one point two different songs from West Side Story and one song from Guys and Dolls were all being sung at the same time, creating a discordant cacophony, not helped by the fact that their mikes were off, but people in the audience were miked loud and clear.
Then up popped that sleazeball Brett Michaels, whom I've only ever seen licking diseased skanks in clips on The Soup. Apparently, he also sings. The descending "Broadway" marquee hit Brett in the head. It's the first time I've seen scenery that was smarter than the producers.
They had Dolly Parton, replaying the role she created in 9 to 5 100 years ago. Isn't 8 hours awfully long for a musical?
Liza Minnelli sounded awful. Liza is now almost 20 years older than her mother was when she died, and her performance made me realize the good thing about Judy dying in her 40s; Her voice never deteriorated into the wreck that Liza's was last night. Once Liza was a great singer and dancer. She's too old and had too many hip replacements to dance anymore, and now we can hear she can't sing anymore either. All she can do now is marry more gay men. Well she was in the right place to troll for her next set of husbands. There were fewer gay men at the GLAAD Awards. Look out, Neal Patrick Harris.
There's something profoundly wrong with seeing Liza singing with the cast of Hair. Maybe she needs a hippie replacement.
After the ghastly medley finally ended, bland, forgettable host Neil Patrick Harris said, "That was amazing!" It was. Amazingly bad. Harris was the weakest host they've had in years, and that's not forgetting Whoopi Goldberg last year. Hugh Jackman, where were you?
Jane Fonda presented Featured Actor in a Play. The nominees were John Glover and four guys I'd never heard of before. I hope that guy I've never set eyes on before wins. Oh good he did.
Shrek, apparently, is a musical for kids who can afford $100 for a theater ticket. Why can't I fast forward through a live broadcast?
The dwarf in Shrek was played by Christopher Sieber, a normal-sized man on his knees with puppet legs. Why isn't he being picketed by little actors for denying work to real dwarves? So much for "There are no small parts." The men in this number were wearing yellow wigs that made their heads look like gigantic jaundiced penises.
Neil did a Phantom of the Oprah joke that I've been doing for 20 years. Well Neil, steal from the best. At least "Obama Mia" was a fresh joke.
Angela Lansbury won Best Featured Actress in a Play, probably because she was the only nominee anyone had ever heard of before. This was Angela's 6000th Tony in over 300 years on Broadway. Angela doesn't appear to age, perhaps because she's looked middle-aged since Mame in 1966. Maybe Jessica Fletcher could find out who murdered the opening medley.
In introducing an unnecessary number from Momma Mia, Neil said it had been nominated for 5 Tonys the year it played on Broadway. This is a polite way of saying it lost 5 Tonys. (And why were the fake ABBA singers singing Dancing Queen while dressed as gay superheroes?)
Neil recommended Smell-o-vision to Broadway producers. Neil, these shows already stink.
Best Book of a Musical is too unimportant to include in the broadcast? Since my ghost writer and amanuensis, Little Dougie, is currently writing a book for a musical, he was really insulted by this.
Best Score: There's something nice about seeing song writers I've never heard of beat Dolly Parton and Sir Elton John. They said Dolly Parton's work "inspired us to become writers in the first place." Really? One of the song writers (They gave us no clue who was who) thanked his wife, and they cut his mike off. At the Tonys, even the sound crew is gay.
From West Side Story, we saw the dance at the gym number. Finally, 48 minutes into the show, some real, knock your-eyes-out, entertainment. The guy playing Tony is hot. I hope they changed the ending, and Maria dies instead of Tony. And after hearing Liza Minnelli's once-magnificent voice sound like crap, it was chilling and beautiful to hear the perfect control this Tony displayed in the final note of the song. That boy can sing! The girl can sing too, but she fell off her note; he nailed his.
(Incidentally, if you love musical theater enough to watch the Tonys, you'll want to read Arthur Laurents's wonderful new book Mostly on Directing which, among other shows, details the directing of this West Side Story revival. It's a great read.)
How gorgeous and elegant did Susan Sarandon look presenting Best Direction of a Play? If she weren't selfishly (Objectivistly?) standing between Tim Robbins and me, I would worship her. Unfortunate camera framing of Susan made it look like the words behind her said the category was "Best Erection". Finally a meaningful award!
In the Best Direction categories, I was rooting for Up. (I'm going to keep doing variations of that joke so long as I'm reviewing award shows, so get used to it.)
We saw a number from something called Rock of Ages. Constantine Maroulis is starring on Broadway in an obnoxious rock musical? Broadway seats nowadays go for over $100. I'd pay that much just to skip this excerpt, let alone miss the whole show. The guy in the fake-tux T-shirt must be gay; not only was he mincing about like Franklin Pangborn in a pre-Hollywood-production code comedy, but he came out and hit on Liza. Gay!!!
Liza won the Dame Edna Special Performance Award. I'd have been more likely to believe she deserved it if I hadn't just heard her sing. But watching terminally overpraised Will Ferrell lose a Tony Award the same weekend his big, terrible new movie tanked at the box office made my night. Liza thanked "My parents, Kay Thompson." Uh-oh. Liza's forgotten she's Judy Garland's daughter. She is in bad shape.
How nice to have the plot of Guys and Dolls explained to me. I don't think I've seen it more than a dozen times.
The Guys and Dolls revival has a big, flamboyantly effeminate black man playing Nicely-Nicely. You know what they call a big effeminate black gangster in real life? "The deceased."
It was great to see Gregory Jbara finally win a long-overdue Tony. I've thought he was terrific ever since I saw him in Damn Yankees in 1994, and not just because he showed his awe-inspiring butt onstage during You Gotta Have Heart. Lately the poor guy has been humiliating himself in "Erectile Dysfunction" commercials. Let's hope this award puts an end to that grisly phase of his career. He dragged his wife up onstage with him. Apparently he loves her. Well, he'll get over that.
I missed the announcement "Filling in for Carrie Fisher, who could not be here tonight, is Jabba the Hut." but there he was, pretending to be her.
In introducing Jessica Lange, Neil did a joke that implied he's had sex with her. Has he forgotten he came out as gay? Jessica Lange, wearing one of Janice Dickenson's old faces, quickly denied Neil's joke out of existence.
In the category of Best Leading Actor in a Play, we finally had four out of five nominees I'd actually heard of before, though the one I don't know I would like to know Biblically, because Thomas Sadoski is a little hottie. Geoffrey Rush accepting this award gave the first genuinely funny speech all evening, certainly funnier than anything Neil said.
After offending many people last year by running the Dead People Montage during a commercial break, they returned it to the on-air show. "This year we lost some giants," said Bebe Neuwirth. Does anyone ever introduce it with, "Fortunately, all the people who died this year were just awful!" Big applause for Bea Arthur and Paul Newman. None for Clive Barnes. To most Broadway actors, writers, directors, and producers, a dead critic is a good start. Over the montage, a chorus sang Kiss Your Ass Goodbye from A Chorus Line, which was perhaps a bit too - ah - on the nose.
Rick Fisher, winner of best lighting of a musical was heard to say, "I just want to encourage all of you to keep bringing little kids to the theater." Well if you do, sit them near him, not me. (LEAVE YOUR LITTLE KIDS HOME!!!)
Frank Langella's speech was very funny also. We saw a snap shot of him as a teenager in The Bald Soprano. Now he's a bald bass.
Marcia Gay Harden won Best Lead Actress in a Play. If only she'd drop her first name, she'd have the most-attractive name in show business.
Sir Elton John appearing onstage in a simple black tuxedo? Please. Who was that impersonating him? The real Sir Elton always dresses to make Dame Edna look frumpy.
The number presented from Billy Elliot was basically a kid having a tap-danced tantrum. Even talented kids are annoying. And unless my ears are as deceptive as my fifth husband was, Sir Elton has "sampled" Tchaikovsky in his "original" score for Billy Elliot. I know Swan Lake when I hear it. And I see why Sir Elton lost Best Lyrics. The lyrics of this song were: "Ah! ... Ah! ... Ah! ... Ah!" [repeat until exhausted] Well, at least it rhymed.
Gina Gershon told us: "Theatergoers made this the highest-grossing season in the history of the Broadway League." No. Astronomical ticket prices did that. For the price of a pair of Saturday Night front row orchestra seats these days, you can buy a three-bedroom house.
Jerry Herman is the very epitome of the Broadway songsmith. He may not have the complexity of Sondheim, but you hear one of his songs once, and you know it for ever. His tunes are catchier than swine flu, and vastly more fun.
Anne Hathaway looks great considering she was married to William Shakespeare some 400 years ago.
The exuberant performance of the title song from Hair (One title song not written by Jerry Herman) was the highlight of the night, pure fun, and a vivid reminder of how much sexier the 1960s were than now. And that guy playing Berger is gorgeous.
Unfortunately, they ruined it afterwards by trotting out that annoying, nasal-voiced, twice-born Christian, Kristen Chenowith, who mentioned the one flaw in the number, the cast remaining clothed, as though it was a good thing. Trust a devout Christer to get it backwards. Kristen laughed at her own jokes, saving me the effort.
Best Revival of a Musical was the one big surprise of the night. I was expecting Arthur Laurents's phenomenal bilingual revival of WestSide Story to win, but Hair snatched it away. An exuberant, anti-war, celebration of life, and recreation of what was best about the 1960s won out over the beloved Romeo and Juliet lift. Fine by me.
Oh David Hyde Pierce, how I've missed your comic genius.
Alice Ripley, in a stunning blue gown, overacted her brains out giving her acceptance speech for Best Leading Actress in a Musical. If her performance in the play is anything like her acceptance speech performance, they should take back her Tony.
Three children and Constantine Maroulis were all Tony nominees for Best Actor in a Musical? They were really desperate this year! And then, the kids won, over that hot guy from Hair? Insane. The world's gone mad. This was the first time I've heard a Tony winner thank his "guardians." Who's next? The chaperones? For once, I found myself saying, "Play them off! Play them off!"
Just to make a long show longer, they had musical numbers from Legally Blonde, Momma Mia, and Jersey Boys, all shows from previous seasons. Not being a tween, I hated Legally Blonde when I saw it, but any excuse to hear Can't Take My Eyes Off of You is fine with me.
The show ran overlong, so my DVR cut off as Liza was reading out the nominees for Best Musical. Or maybe it just couldn't take anymore of Liza. What won? If they'd cut the unnecessary songs from Legally Blonde and Momma Mia, they'd have finished on time. You'll have to make up your own joke about the last winner. I'm going to listen to my original Broadway cast album of Hair, and pretend it's 1968 again. Toking up!
Cheers darlings.
[Next day addendum. I have now learned that Neil Patrick Harris saved his big guns for the end, and finished the show with a big musical parody number that all seem to have loved, except all watching it on TiVO or DVR, like myself. Who waits until the end of a three-hour show (four hours for those in the theater) to pull out their best stuff for an audience that only wants to get to the bar fast? Bad decision. Open with the big stuff. At 11 o'clock-plus the losers want to get drunk, the winners want to celebrate, and no one wants any more show. Very odd. You can find a link to it elsewhere on these pages. And be sure to read the account of the show on Ken Levine's blog, also linked on this page, for the funny, funny take of his daughter and her writing partner. Great stuff, despite their not always agreeing with my assessments. ]
To read more of Tallulah Morehead, go to
The Morehead the Merrier.
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Sister,
You must have been wearing your "lush" hat, instead of your "film legend/goddess" hat when reviewing the Tonys.... a show where folks, you don't know, thank people, you don't know, in roles and shows, you don't know. Any self respecting theater fan, unless working, watches the Tonys live! AND dvrs for multiple playbacks!!
We true Broadway groupies did not miss NPH's incredible show-ending performance! Kudos to Shaiman and Wittman.
The fact that you needed to include a "next day addendum" says it all. Tallulah darling, you're not fooling us. You are a drama queen wannabe.
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Darling, I started watching it live, but I paused it each time I wanted to take a note, so by the time I reached the end, it was 11:45, and way too late to see the ending live. You're just watching, dear. I'm watching AND writing the above piece. I'm working. That's the true difference between a professional and a dillitante.
And if my 4 decades in theater, playing hundreds of roles in more plays than I can remember, not to mention being the author of produced plays, doesn't qualify me as being a theater professional, than my union card does.
Reluctant as I am to take on anyone named Tallulah, even one I' ve never heard of, her(are we sure it's a her?) post on the Tonys was so mean-spirited and inaccurate, I must overcome my natural reticence and fire away. Having moved back to New York after a lifetime in LA writing novels and the occasional screenplay, I started hitting Broadway the same time the recession did, and wondered how, with the price of tickets what it was, the theater would survive, --what had long been known as 'The Fabulous Invalid' now clearly a cripple. To my delight, and occasional horror('Im
That there were technical glitches does not take away from the overall quality of the show. It far outshone any of the Oscars in recent memory, and any Tony Awards ever. But then, that's only my opinion, and, I'm not vindictively looking to make a name for myself.
Gwen Davis
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Mean spirited? Moi? Nonsense. I am love personified, as millions of men can attest. Go back and re-read the comments on Gregory Jbara, or Susan Sarandon, or HAIR, or Jabba the Hut. Nothing but love.
Inaccurate? Not according to some of the other commenters and the many email responses. It's almost as though response to the Tonys was subjective.
I'm delighted the Broadway Theater survives even a season so bereft of decent new music that only revivals and touring companies of shows from past seasons provided us with any enjoyable music.
A close, close friend of mine saw WAITING FOR GODOT and reported to me that it was wonderful, and will soon be a Jerry Herman musical, HELLO GODOT, the song they sing when GODOT shows up at the end. (The new, "Up" ending, so Vladimir and Estragon can learn life, or at least the play, has meaning after all.)
Glad to hear that NEXT TO NORMAL is better than the excruciating, melody-free excerpt performed on the show, a scene designed to keep people away from the theater.
"to say that [Liza] forgot who her parents were, indicates Tallulah she wasn't listening"
Or that Little Gwennie didn't get my joke, or else has no sense of humor. Oh, let's go for broke, it may mean BOTH.
Must rush. I have Dame Edna tickets here in Los Angeles tonight. Now THERE'S a great entertainer!
And don't worry, Gwen, I'm sure you'll make your own name soon.
Cheers darling.
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Some of it was GREAT. (The cast of HAIR for one example.)
Some of it was mediocre. (Most of the banter.)
Some of it was indeed so bad it was good. (To some degree Liza. To a LARGE degree, seeing Brett Michaels clobbered by scenery.)
And some of it was just plain bad. (The songs from LEGALLY BLONDE and MOMMA MIA.)
"Should I set my TIVO to hunt it down the rerun on BRAVO?" I would, but would it be likely to run on BRAVO? It was on CBS, and BRAVO is owned by NBC.
Cheers darling.
Tallulah Darhling. A delight to savour your bitchy prose once again. We don't hear from you often enough, my love.
I regret missing the Tony's. Would you say they were so bad they were good? Should I set my TIVO to hunt it down the rerun on BRAVO?
i loved the tonys!!! what show were some of you watching? do you watch just to criticize? no one can sayliza can not sing. have you ever seen her live? it makes all the difference. she was great last night. she ruled the stage, front and center at the end of the opening# she is the greatest talent, person and humanitarian of our time. i just saw her this past friday she blew the roof off mohegan sun in ct. she is the last of the classic breed of entertainers that command a stage all alone and bring you to your knees and feet. the palace was a triumph. i was overjoyed that she won. she deserves it more than anyone. get a life and stop trashing hers. she inspires me evreyday and i just adore her.have for forty years
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"do you watch just to criticize?"
That's what someone writing a review does. And a close reading shows I also praised a lot of it.
"no one can sayliza [sic] can not sing."
According to The First Amendment, I can too.
"have you ever seen her live?"
Does having a drink with her at a club in Hollywood 20 years ago count as seeing her live? Then yes. But she was NOT great last night. She was extremely great well into the past, but she's a sad parody of her former self now. I am sad about this, not gloating. I have also adored her for 40 years, but pretending the shell of her that is still here is still the great entertainer she once was is just being in denial. Your loyalty to her is commendable, but I must report what I saw last night, not what I'd like to think I was seeing, and there was precious little left of her greatness. I doubt Liza makes NEW fans at all anymore, only excites those who fell in love with her during her glory years. Heaven knows, I wish her well.
Hi Tallulah,
Funny post.
You are wicked and naughty.
Now, for me, I loved Liza. She was one of my favorite parts of the show. Watching, I thought, OMG its LIZA, with her Liza hair and Liza clothes, and you never know what will happen next!( is somebody gay here?)
Her acceptance speech was filled with that kind of emphatic backstage staccato, and at the end I thought she was going to sing 'Born in a trunk"!
Too much fun!
Look forward to reading your posts in the future.
Best,
Philip
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Watching Liza, especialy these days, is always suspenseful. Youo never know if she'll be brilliant again, or fall off the stage, or just announce that she's marrying Graham Norton. She's uniquely herself. But she also makes me sad, because she is a shadow of what was once a toweringly great talent.
You know, the first chapter of my autobiography was titled "Born in a Drunk."
Is somebody gay here? Undoubtedly.
Cheers.
Hi!
Does anyone ever call you Talloo?
It is nice that you respond to comments. I like that.
Thank you, Tallulah! I enjoyed your review much more than the actual show.
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You're welcome darling.
For someone who's handle is more suited to a drag queen, Morehead's Gay bashing is more than surprising. Sure Liza can't sing any more but sometimes you just have to hand an award to someone who once was so great because like Yvonne de Carlo sang in "Follies", she's " ...still there". As to actors you never heard of nominated, what did you expect, Tom Cruise and Bard Pitt? Most people have never heard of Braodway actors nut that doesn't mean that they shouldn't get nominated for very good work.
Agered, Ripley was too rehearsed and over the top and but Frank Langella went on a bit long with his spoofing his not getting nominatd. The point was well taken after the first few jokes.
The Dead People thing is something that should have been included and although most people don't know who these people were the Tonys are not only for the TV audience but for Broadway actors etc who do. Toony night is a night to celebrate their won.
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I have NEVER been accused of gay-bashing before in all my life. More than half of my husbands were gay, and Little Dougie, who actually types these up for me (I never touch a keyboard myself), is as big a homo as ever knealt backstage. My humor is not even remotely gay-bashing. Absurd.
Criticizing the sad condition of Liza's voice is not gay-bashing. And the award she won last night was for her recent show, not a lifetime achievement award, which I would never argue she doesn't deserve. I haven't seen her recent show, so I can't, judged her work in it. Maybe she was sick last night, and her voice hasn't gone permanently to pieces, but judged on her singing last night, she's a shadow of what she was.
I've always thought it was a shame that Liza's great talent was entrusted to Liza Minnelli, although I give her credit for hanging on to life much better and longer than her mother managed.
I completely agree that the Dead Folks Montage is essential. How could you infer I felt otherwise?
My comments about folks I've never heard of is merely an illustration of why the ratings for The Tonys always blow. Most of the country doesn't care about Broadway theater. I have cared passionately about it all of my life. How many fans does Gregory Jbara, for example, have outside Manhattan? My guess is few, but he's had one in my bed for 15 years.
My point was that all the cute remarks that smacked of nastiness doesn't help. Why is it performers are never singled out for their mostly hetero audiences and made fun of? With Liza it's always gay this and gay that as if somethng is terribly wrong.
" ... Liza's great talent was entrusted to Liza Minnelli, ..." You mean Judy's talent etc? If so, you really had to see Liza live when she was young. I saw here in "Best Foot Forward" with Christopher Walken (he can dance!) and "Flora The Red Menace" and although she won a Tony for Flora, and the show was really a stinker she was something else. At times when she hit the lower notes, if you had closed your eyes you couldn't tell if it was Judy or Liza. She wasn't sick last night. Her voice is just gone but she really deserved that award and not only because she got kind reviews. Ask yourself this. Who would you rather see--Liza or some Chinese acrobats? She's like her mother in the sense that Judy could have sung your telephone bill and sung it badly but she was always Judy and gave everyone a great time. Unfortunately, the one time I saw her I was unimpresssed with her vocals but just to see her live was something that will stay with me forever.
This is one of the BEST, funniest articles I've ever read on the Huffington Post!
You should do the news, too, honey! You have a sharp eye. Wonderful.
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Thank you darling. My breasts are fairly sharp too. People have suffered cuts.
your hatred of women is palpable.
hilarious review - no mention of stockard channing?
I know! Poor Stockard was having trouble too; she sounded like she was fighting for breath. And it was RIDICULOUS that they paired her up with that boy who looked like he was 15. He even started laughing at her in her moldy old boa.
Channing looked amazing but she's no singer and that bit with that young kid wasn't that bad because she was in character as an older still sexy and slightly jaded woman who's been around, as her character was in "Pal Joey". .
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"your hatred of women is palpable."
I AM a woman! It's kids I hate.
I had a mention of Stockard, but it didn't make my final edit. IT's a three-hour show, but the column mustn't take threre hours to read.
you must not have been watching the same Tony Awards I was. These Tonys were more fun than any I've seen in years. It made me understand why, as Gina Gershon point out, that ticket sales were up. And Neil Patrick Harris's version of 'Tonight' at the end of the show was a classic. I'd vote to give him a job as a permanent host. (The only person I could think of who might be better would be Hyde Pierce but I doubt he would ever take the thankless gig.) Patrick Harris was definitely better than Jackman and I didn't think that was possible. The opening number this year blew Jackman's out of the water- and I would have thought that was impossible as well. I guess that's why people who really love the theater tune in to watch. I suggest next year you stay home and read a book and leave the theater to us.
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Gina didn't say ticket SALES were up. She said GROSSES were up, which is more about the trebling of ticket prices, turning Broadway theater into an elitist form unavailable to most folks in the current economy.
As I said, my DVR cut off the end of the show, so I hadn't seen Harris's closing number.
"I suggest next year you stay home and read a book and leave the theater to us."
I was at home, and I've been working in the theater all of my very long life. I AM
Theater.
But I 100% agree that David Hyde Pierce would be a superb Tony host, and I'll bet he WOULD take the gig.
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I'm pleased you enjoyed it, but your question is like asking, if you have a headache, why not commit suicide?
Because there's disappointing stuff I should miss out on the good stuff?
Besides, I never said I was miserable, and many of my comments were complimentary. I wouldn't have missed Gregory Jbara's win just because Liza can no longer sing, and the performance of HAIR was so joyous, it was worth all the garbage. Same with the WEST SIDE STORY dance number. And seeing Bret Michaels get smacked by scenery where his brain would be if he had one was worth ANYTHING!
Also, compliments don't make for anywhere near as good jokes as snipes.
And in any event, I was committed well in advance to write this piece, which I could hardly do if I turned the show off. You could switch away. I had an assignment.
I've watched them every years for decades. I'm not going to stop now.
How could you have enjoyed the article if I didn't watch the show and write it?
Why do I have to explain all these obvious points?
Why explain? Because you were trying to be too cute and some of your remarks weren't funny at all. This review was more about you than the Tonys.
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Funny, like opinions, are subjective. And of course it's about me. That's what being a star is all about.
I am soooo glad you wrote ALL you wrote. Love your biting wit! Re your reply my post elsewhere: ok, so the actress playing Maria is from Argentina, and director/writer Laurents' loves her. But I'm not the only one who asked that.
I loved Natalie Wood as Maria. I am a huge fan of hers. We were born on the same day, different years, with Russian backgrounds. But way beyond that, I grew up watching her films and thought she portrayed an innocent, vulnerable woman, very poignantly.
I am saddened people rag on her re her Maria. Saddened she died at a time she was entering another phase of her career, with stage and who knows what the future would have brought. Like Natasha Richardson. Just glad we can enjoy these performers during their (and our) short sojurn here. Oh darnit, that's so gloomy.
But these performers are just human. THANK GOODNESS you have the wit, honesty, experience to capture the essence of what went down, good and bad.
This early "punk pioneer" photographer LOVED the show, despite all the inexcusable tech problems.
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No, you're not the only person who felt this Latina woman was too white to play a Latina woman. But what does that say about OUR racial assumptions?
Everyone adored dear Natalie Wood, but she was terribly miscast in WEST SIDE STORY, as was Richard Beymer for that matter. Not to mention that when casting a musical I'm old fashioned. I think they should cast PEOPLE WHO CAN SING. If you have to bring in Marnie Nixon to sing for them, you've cast the wrong person.
As it happens I know Natalie's sister Lana slightly. Deligthful woman, and still gorgeous.
Cheers.
honey, if you were so miserable why didn't you just shut it off? LOL, great article
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